Ok, so, I was going through some old boxes I've had since I was a kid, and I found a big pile of old, 1980s GI Joes. But those little rings they use in the waist had all dry-rotted, so I decided to buy some more from
www.smalljoes.com I didn't feel like paying $5 worth of shipping just to get $2 worth of rubber, so I looked around for some cheap stuff to just throw in. It was then that I came across this:
http://www.smalljoes.com/funskool_gijoe_figures.shtml
Apparently some little Indian company has permission to re-make the original 1980s-style G.I. Joes and sell them in India. They had four ones on sale for a dollar each (
http://www.smalljoes.com/clearance.shtml) so I snagged 'em.
These guys are PURE Baliwood. Comically cheap production, though they do at least approximate the originals. The plastic is a LOT cheaper, and these things don't seem to "fit" right, so some of them have splits in the legs, wobbly arms, etc. Also, they used the same wrinkled-clothing arms even if the guy has no shirt on. And if they have hair, it's molded separately and glued on (poorly, the one in the photos has already gone bald). They're just full of those little errors that seem so obvious that they are funny. So let's dive into these little bastards! Oh and I aplogize for the photos, I can't take a photograph worth a damn.
Things true to every package:
Joe is no longer a "Real American Hero" but now part of a club of "International Heroes."
The "Funskool" label is clearly stealing off of the "Playskool" label.
Both of the Cobra figures are labeled as "COBRA ENEMY!," and have very short file cards and very stupid-looking hand-to-hand weapons.
The cardboard used to make these is inferior to even the stuff they use in playing cards.
The plastic is surprisingly easy to cut, and only just barely glued to the cardboard backing.
The figures appear to have been made from borrowed, stolen, or decomissioned molds, since the parts do not fit properly.
None of the figures I bought appear in the gallery on the back, and both Countdown and Ozone's mug shots are very clearly photographs of the actual toys instead of illustrations:
First one: Cross Country
Right off, you can see that the guy is nothing like what's illustrated in the picture to the left. Different color shirt, pants...Everything. Also note that in the illustration he has gloves, and his hands were also molded to show gloves, but they were never painted on. Also, his forearms are wrinkled, like someone intended to paint on clothes later, but got bored. Note also he has a Mario-esque mustache. First thing as I take him out of the package, his right arm breaks:
I also notice a big "MADE IN CHINA" stamp on his butt, despite the fact that this was supposed to be made in India. His head is loose and wobbles a lot and won't stay up. His legs don't fit right, and he can't stand up on his own, as his right leg sticks off at an angle. His two torso halves don't go together right, and all his limbs are very stiff and have plastic bits sticking off. All in all, a sad Joe.
He comes with lots of cool things to play with, though. And its shiny. I cut them out with some nail clippers, and the plastic was so bad they almost broke even then. The gun worked about twice before something broke off in it.
As you can see, it was a BITCH to get him on the stand, and he looks like a total douche when balanced. Maybe he's doing some sort of knife-and-busted-rocket-launcher dance they do in India? In any event his foot hole is too small for the pad and I almost busted his boot trying to get him to stand.
And so here's his card:
Next up: Wild Bill
This one has the WORST illustration/character matchup. In the illustration, he has gloves, no sunglasses, a red jumpsuit, blonde hair and a bandanna. Note that in the illustration, the butt of his gun goes UNDER his backpack strap somehow. And also note how he somehow looks very...Indian. The figure itself has black ahir, no gloves, sunglasses, black gloves, and three silver bracelets on each forearm (I guess he's a rhinestone cowboy). Wild Bill is molded out of better plastic and put together better, but he still feels cheap, and has a lot less weight than a true Joe. The stamp on the inside of his leg says "(C) 1983 HASBRO" and he has no "made in" stamp. His head is stiff and immovable. His arms are hard to get to rotate, but they do if you push it. Still, all his parts work, and he feels like the sort of action figure you'd get for $1. His guns are bizzare and they suck, but what's more important is that is says, on the back, that he prefers colt revolvers...Yet they don't give him one. So I gave him Cross Country's:
Also, his backpack has hooks on it that aren't able to carry either gun, so either he got the wrong backpack, or he got the wrong guns. Again, his foot is too small for the stand, but at least he can wing it better, thanks to having decent legs. Which are, you will note, exact mirror images of one another.
His card, which mentions that he likes revolvers, and is a lying bastard:
Next up is our first "Cobra Enemy," Dreadnok:
This one, interestingly, has the best illustration/actual figure similarity. Maybe that's because his design is so retarded. Note also how it says he has "SWIVEL-ARM BATTLE GRIP!" yet he has the same rotate-at-bicep arm as every GI Joe made to be this size. He doesn't suffer from wrinkly-arm disease like Wild Bill and Cross country, though. I guess Cobra must have some bitchin' skin cream. Due to shitty molding, his right arm doesn't have the advertized "SWIVEL-ARM BATTLE GRIP" no matter how much I force it. For some reason, he is disturbingly bendy, and seems to be made of a softer plastic. His hair was made separately and is glued on like it wants to come off. He's the first figure to have the name "Funskool" on him, and it clearly says "MADE IN INDIA" on his butt. At last, some truth in advertising!
His weapons, however, are a joke. A chainsaw and a "Nunchuka Axe"? Yeah, he's bringing knives to a gun fight. He must be Irish/Italian/redneck/whatever. For some reason, his backpack is nothing but a big gas can. So either he's on the run from "Mad Max 2: Road Warrior" or it's for his chainsaw or something. In any event, why does he need so MUCH gas? I mean, he's going to get shot at, and he carries a big tank of explosive material on his back? He's the first Joe that I got to stand on his own, though, so he has THAT going for him. Even if his arms can't bend, he can stand up and fight better than the other Bali-Joes.
His card, which I really hope isn't what the original American version used to say:
And lastly, Zarana, the token female:
You just KNOW That the token femme is going to be the worst one made, especially if she's supposed to be the enemy. Note that all that bouncing around in her plastic has worn off the paint on her boob, as well as scratched up the cheap plastic. I guess she's just so incredibly eager to get out of that remnant of a shirt that she can't wait for me to cut off the plastic.
Zanara is actually the best put together of all of them. All of her parts fit, her head does not wobble, and her arms rotate. Unfortunately, someone just didn't give a shit with her paint job. They made mistakes all over, and didn't bother finishing a lot of it. Also, I can't help but notice that her hair looks a lot like Miss Frizzle's. Guess when the Magic School Bus gave out, she had to find a new line of work, and tried to be both a mercenary and a whore at the same time.
Zanara has the worst weapon ever: a fucking FAN BLADE ON A STICK. I thought poor Dreadnok had the worst bit, what with his chain saw and everything, but at least Dreadnok could mess you up if he got close. What is Zanara going to do, wick away the moisture from your forehead? Her backpack is useless, amorphous crap as well. Despite all this, she can at least stand up, which means she can totally kick Cross Country's ass.
Here is her card. What the hell is up with the part about the cabbie? And someone needs to teach some Indian guy proper grammar.
Just like Ed Wood, I like to use EVERY PIECE OF FOOTAGE I GET. So here's some scans I took of the packages with the figures removed. Note that Cross Country's includes instructions on how to fire the gun, in case you're smart enough to read, but too dumb to play with toys.
So what y'all think?
Also, anyone else know about these? SOMEone's gotta be ordering the cheap Indian copies, else SmallJoes.com wouldn't be demanding so much...
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