this thread made me giggle. esuohlim is cool, even though his id gives me a headache. :P
and spectre, i really like the analogy in the first poem, and you've got some good phrases. but it really needs some hard, cold images. when i read your poem, i wanna touch those walls and know why they're cold. i wanna be right in that "great big" computer room, compare it to the one i use every day. i wanna see the blood coursing through your body the way the data does through the pentagon. visualize every detail yourself. then, get specific. show me.
also, i'd reconsider capitalizing the first word of every line, in favor of allowing the thoughts to flow through the lines to their own ends. and a period at the end of every stanza doth not a well-punctuated poem make. :P
the second poem. very cool. great details. i like the idea of spring catching winter offguard and slamming him on the mat or something. i'm not sure how the melted, sunshine-bathed lakes make the birds chirp, though.
Quote:
Winter lying like a broken bottle
Broken by Spring
Broken in a thousand melting pieces.
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this image is so schweet. but i think the middle line could be much more telling. it's obvious who the culprit was, so maybe you could how it got broken or something.
oh. and whenever possible, i'd try to stick to present or past tense. verbs sorta fortify poems; strong action verbs do it best. the progressive (-ing) tense, especially, dilutes their strength.
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