Features

James · #1

I figured this would help me with my anger issues.

There are a ton of movie reviews on this site. And many of those are overlooked by the visitors. More importantly, there are many that are pure shit, and nobody really knows it.

So from now on, I'm going to post on on here, and then kindly rip it to shreds. It's only fair, seeing as how they're subjecting us to this crap.

Movie: "X-men"
Year: 200x
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Action / Adventure
Director: Bryan Singer
Writer: Tome DeSanto
Reviewer: Shane Skekel (Skekel@hotmail.com)

Plot: The movie starts off during World War II when those Nazis send some of their proscibed to the gas chamber, one 17-year old boy, which happened to be Magneto was spared. Now fast forward to present day. A teenager who turned out to be Rogue was making out until her mutation took effect during that time. I won't tell you the rest.

Review: All right, this movie is an instant winner despite some inconsistancies. The acting is excellent, especially when it came down to the main chars. themselves. The special effects are also spectacular, and make Star Wars look cheap. The story and diologue are well done for a movie based on this classic comic book. I'd would recommend this over Ghost In the Shell 1 or 2, because this is much easier to understand than those animes. The soundtrack has a serious atmosphere to it, the way it should be for any installment of X-Men.

If you want a great movie without all those plot holes, then this is it. If you hate movies based on comic books, then fine. However, you are missing out on a spectacular flick that is true to the series. Therefore, you should get this movie now while you still can. I'll give X-men a nine out of ten. Now get the movie or be a tight ass!

Overall Rating: 9

Wasn't that just the best?

Now, the guy couldn't bother to find out what year this movie came out (hint: 2000, genius), so he used an X. This isn't a MegaMan game, buddy. If you're going to do a review, get as many facts right as possible. Speaking of which, I can let the Tom DeSanto thing slide , as he and Bryan Singer wrote the story. But David Hayter wrote the actual screenplay.

Moving on, I think Shane here needs to learn what a plot is. Recounting the first 10 minutes of the movie is not a plot (or a plot overview, as should be the case for these reviews). This could have just been a very poor first paragraph for his review. But if he had done that, then he would have had 3 paragraphs, and the guidelines say that you need only 2 at least. And I think we all know that Shane "bare minimum" Skekel needed the extra 5-10 minutes that could be spent on writing another 1 or 2 paragraphs to come up with that WONDERFUL last sentence.

And aside from the fact that both of them have comics, Ghost in the Shell has no reason to even be mentioned in this review. He could have said "I'd would recommend this over The Care Bears Movie, because this is much easier to understand ," and it would have more relevance to the review.

In the end, I give Shane and his little review a -6. It's short, and the writing could be better, and he has no idea what the fuck a plot outline is. But it could be worse. And you'll see that as I uncover more of these godawful submissions.

Ninjavenom · #2

Man, i'm really letting them slip. I'll have to fix that year.

Blackjack · #3

Jamesman, have you submitted any reviews yourself?

I did A Clockwork Orange and Eraserhead.

James · #4

I sent one in just before posting that. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, yo. I also think I submitted one a while ago, but I can't remember. Other than that, I submitted one for classicgaming (StarTropics, and it's not one of my best written items), and one for music (Disturbed's "Believe," which, despite a little bit of fanboy enthusiam, I think I did a good job on, even though SOME PEOPLE felt the need to mock it with two of their own reviews).

Of course, now I suppose I'll be getting ridicule for my reviews.

Spectre X · #5

(directed at BlackJack) I read those, and Eraserhead is sci-fi, not horror, I read that in a sci-fi encyclopedia once (what? I like sci-fi. what?!).

anyway, that review for x-men IS pretty crappy. man, he sucks. indeed, he amde the plot not a plot, buty a sneak peek. God, this guy should read the explanation better.

James · #6

Movie: "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within"
Year: 2001
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Sci-Fi
Director: Hironobu Sakaguchi & Moto Sakakibara
Writer: Hironobu Sakaguchi, Al Reinert, Jeff Vintar, etc.
Reviewer: Angryhydralisk (Angryhydralisk@AOL.com)

Plot: this movie is about some chicknamed Dr. Aki finding these 8 spirits to save the world from some creatures called phantoms.

Review: I like Final Fantasy a lot, but this movie in my opinion, is NOT Final Fantasy in any sort of way. If you really think about it (and not many seem to notice this), it's more like a piss-poor ripoff of Starship Troopers. Final fantasy has chocobos, magic, and some stupid villian hell-bent on destroying or conquering the world. This had none of that, but use of guns, a space-style/futuristic theme, and stupid monsters corupting everything. Sounds a lot like Starship Troopers to me. The only thing that reminded me of FF in any way is the villain dude looked like Seifer from FF8 and the fact people liked this movie is the CG design was good.

I also learned that Final Fantasy will never make a good movie no matter how you look at it. FF games always have an ongoing storyline, fruity, funny-dressed characters, and piss-poor endings that make you want to break the game you waited so long for to break it in half or sell it for 5 bux. And as for you people who brag that FF7 would be a good idea for a movie and ponder who should play Aeris, get a life and play something else for a change. I also liked Starship Troopers better cuz it's a rip-off of the popular PC game, Starcraft, but it still rocks.

I got off the subject, sorry. As I was saying, this movie isn't the Final Fantasy games we all know and love, but some cheesy rip-off of a space movie or a computer game (one ripped off the other, I'll figure it out soon enough).

Overall Rating: 1

Remember that user name, folks. You'll be seeing a number of his reviews here. In part because his make up one-fucking-third of the total reviews, and in part because he's pretty much the prime example of what I'm doing here.

However, I picked this one out as the first of his craptacular movie reviews, because it stands out on a few levels or tardness. And, he actually broke tradition and wrote THREE paragraphs! He must have needed so much Advil after all that.

Now, I'm one of the three people that liked the FF movie (and can admit its shortcomings), so I won't necessarily address his opinion. I also won't address his opinion, because THERE ISN'T ONE. Aside from "this movie sucks," the rest of his review is comprised of talking about Starship Troopers and FF7 and 8. And that would be all good and fine if his review was longer than my review of his review.

And speaking of Starship Troopers, note this line: "I also liked Starship Troopers better cuz it's a rip-off of the popular PC game, Starcraft, but it still rocks." You'd think with a name like Angryhydralisk, he'd know that Starcraft came out AFTER Starship Troopers. But then again, he uses AOL and has an IQ somewhere between "hamster water bottle" and "diaper rash."

Also note how he likes it because it's a "rip-off." So he has stated that he is a big fan of movies that rip off (or DON'T rip off, in this case) other things. He'd make a great critic for Entertainment Weekly, but not for I-Mockery.

Frankly, I think he should just be barred from giving reviews. And from living. Definitely living. He should be encased in some sort of big jar, and launched into the earth's core (see, I could have said outer space, but there's already plenty of space shit in this entire post. Variety, my friends. Variety).

Skulhedface · #7

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jamesman

Now, I'm one of the three people that liked the FF movie (and can admit its shortcomings), so I won't necessarily address his opinion. I also won't address his opinion, because THERE ISN'T ONE. Aside from "this movie sucks," the rest of his review is comprised of talking about Starship Troopers and FF7 and 8. And that would be all good and fine if his review was longer than my review of his review.

-I am another of the three.

-"I won't address his opinion because THERE ISN'T ONE." Actually, the way I look at it, it's TOO MUCH opinion ("this movie is a piss poor Starship Troopers", "Final Fantasy will never make a good movie", "piss poor endings", the whole Aeris swerve towards the end, "Starcraft rocks", "cheesy rip-off"). The problem with this is that half the opinion is irrelevant to the review. It seems more like he's singing the praises of Starship Troopers than what made this movie "bad".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jamesman

Frankly, I think he should just be barred from giving reviews. And from living.

No kidding. I think there should be a minimum IQ level to be submitted along with ALL reviews. But then again that wouldn't give us much to make fun of, would it?

Anonymous · #8

James · #9

With three Goldmember reviews already up, someone felt it necessary to make a 4th one. And somehow, it ended up making the grade (even if that grade is "F"). So now we look at the 4th Goldmember review.

Movie: "Austin Powers in Goldmember (review #4)"
Year: 2002
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Comedy
Director: Jay Roach
Writer: Mike Myers & Michael McCullers
Reviewer: Piichi Lucky uselessblob@aol.com

Plot: dr.evil is finally captured and stuff and austin is knighted and his dad wasnt there to see him get knighted so like the movie is pretty much about austin and his relationship with his father and stuff and this guy from the seventies named goldmember who lost his genetalia in a fatal smelting accident lol and stuff like that and mini me and stuff well more in review kae? kae!

Review: ok fine heres your two paragraphs!^^ like i rate it high because i really think it was hilarious, for those of you who have seen austin powers in the spy who shagged me remember the scene in the tent where it looks like felicity is pulling things out of his butt? well they have something else like that! it looks like austins erm....parts....are doing weird things and looks like he has a baby its REEELY funny.

as for the nine that i rate it only because they never say what happened to felicity, just add a diferent girl, Foxy Cleopatra!^^

i loved the fact that it was a whole movie like thing it was HILARIOUS with the peopl playing other people and with Dixie Normous that was funny well i hope you like my review k bye!

Overall Rating: 9

Don't the let spaces fool you, folks. This isn't 3 paragraphs (or two as the person claims the are, followed by what appears to be a mountain emoticon). It's three sentences. Three very long sentences. Three poorly written, piece of shit, I-need-to-finish-the-fourth-grade sentences.

The first thing I noticed about this nazi propoganda masquerading as a review, was that the person gave it a 9/10. The second thing I noticed was that he claims Goldmember lost his happy fun bits in a FATAL smelting accident... Yeah, I'm just going to leave it at that, and let you realize the problem.

As I continued to read this, I suddenly noticed that my room was getting warmer. It turns out the disgustingly poor spelling, grammar, mountain emoticons, and so on had caused my head to burst into flames. I immediately put on my leather jacket, grabbed a chain, and went to go steal a motorcycle. Because let's face it; Ghost Rider fucking owns. But this review does not.

I could go on to attack this person's taste in film, but I noticed Miss Modular gave it an 8 in her review. And I don't want her to devour my soul for saying that this movie is Austin Powers 1 + Austin Powers 2 (which was Austin Powers 1 in the first place) = more of the same shit that got boring by the end of the first film. So instead I'll just say this: Ghost Rider fucking owns.

whoreable · #10

FUCK YOU FOR NOT LIKING STAR TROPICS

Ninjavenom · #11

Jixby put that one up as a joke.

Pub Lover · #12

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jamesman

The second thing I noticed was that he claims Goldmember lost his happy fun bits in a FATAL smelting accident... Yeah, I'm just going to leave it at that, and let you realize the problem.

Um, couldn't the accident of been fatal to someone else but he was lucky as all he lost was his Jang & Jiggle? :/

Rongi · #13

I think the person who wrote the austin powers movie is a she :/

Spectre X · #14

AngryHydralisk is a stupid person who should be shot for thinking the Starship Troopers is a rip-off of anything. it was based on a book by Robert A. Heinlein. The movie was bad too, and the series were a lot better.

I actually like Austin Powers, but I haven't seen Golmember yet. the girl the wrote that review made it oook like she was talking about it to her friends, but we're not her friends, so she's stupid to think that we would like this review. the rules for reviewing should be stricter.

Jixby Phillips · #15

Yeah I used to put up bad reviews if they made me laugh.

James · #16

I know that (in the case of this Goldmember review, that is). But it still deserved to be under the spotlight.

James · #17

Angryhydralisk is back with what has got to be the longest review I've seen by him so far. He must really like Beavis & Butthead. Or he just drank too much soda.

Movie: "Beavis & Butt-Head Do America"
Year: 1996
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Comedy
Director: Mike Judge
Writer: Mike Judge
Reviewer: Angryhydralisk Angryhydralisk@aol.com
Plot: There's basically 2 plots to this movie.

1. Beavis & Butt-Head wake up to find their TV stolen, find a guy who will offer 10000 bucks to "do" his wife. They meet her, she stitches some virus thing in beavis' shorts, they end up becoming the most dangerous men in America.

2. Probably the only good MTV movie I've ever seen.

Review: Back in the day, when I did watch MTV, I never watched it for the teeny-bopper shit. I watched Beavis & Butt-head. that was, like, the most controversial show I seen. Then it goes off the air, I watch South Park, and I didn't really like it. On to the movie.

This movie is really well done and quite humorous, plus has a unique and clever bit of variety in their humor. Like, when B&B open up the trunk of a car going fast while they are in it. Beavis wonders what to do. Butt-Head says, "When you hit the ground, run really fast" Beavis dosen't want to, Butt-Head pushes him out, all hell breaks loose, then Butt-Head falls out, and it causes a huge wreck. I couldn't stop laughing at that.

Another interesting part is when they meet their fathers. Then Butt-Head's dad farts and it causes a huge explosion. That was great.

This whole movie is nonstop laughs, has a decent, understandable plot (even if Beavis and Butt-Head are total dumbasses) and a good ending.

Now I compare this to the South Park movie. It didn't have a decent plot, wasn't very funny, was quite sickening, and made a world record. Wow. Give me B&B any day.

Overall Rating: 10

Hoo boy. 2 plots, you say? One being the movie plot, and the other being it's a good MTV movie? I didn't know that was a plot! I need to watch this movie again, so I can see the part about it being "the only good MTV movie I've ever seen." Actually, there is even a THIRD plot: Angryhydralisk is walking, talking asscheek.

Yeah, he didn't watch MTV for the "teeny-bopper" shit. I think none of us did. We just watched The Grind to jack off to the upskirt shots, and then bitch about Dan yelling at Melissa on The Real World for opening his mail. But really, wasn't Beavis and Butthead "teeny-bopper," by his standards? Half the damn country watched it. It was a profitable show (which is why the movie was made). He might as well say he only listens to underground bands with deep lyrics like Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park while he's at it.

I won't even bother with any other part of his opinions (read: two paragraphs about 2 scenes in the movie he thought were unique and clever, like someone farting into a campfire). I need to save some anger for this tard's next review.

But I will say this: I like Beavis and Butthead, though I feel their entertainment value has gotten a little stale for me. I enjoy seeing the movie once in a while, and I think it's funny. But nothing is worth a fucking 10 (except Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings is the movie God watches when he wants to see a 10). Giving a movie a 10, ESPECIALLY when you don't really name anything good about the movie aside from saying South Park sucks in so many words, is automatic cause for you to be put in a kiddie pool of cancer until you die of cancer.

"Give me B&B any day."

How about F&U instead?

James · #18

I've been holding out on another SMRS because there was one on the "Waiting to be Approved" list that I knew I'd just have to tear into. What was it? Fucking read and find out.

Movie: "Juggalo Championshit Wrestling Volume 1"
Year: 2000
Rated: Unrated
Genre: Miscellaneous
Director: Insane Clown Posse
Writer: Insane Clown Posse
Reviewer: Angryhydralisk Angryhydralisk@aol.com

Plot: Ok, the executives of Psychopathic records fight old washed-up wrestlers from theearly 80s. There's two bitche fighting, a battle royale consisting of all the Psychopathic executives (except ICP) and others. Finally, there is the main event. Insane Clown Posse vs. Doink the Clown and.....Doink the Clown! Oh yeah, there's dialogue by Handsome Harley Guastella (Gweedo), Diamond Donavon Douglas (3D), and Luscious Johnny Stark...the hosts from Stranglemania!

Review: Well, this tape was ok. The matches are short. Some suck, but some are funny. Like the Titties in the Thumbtacks match. Besides the fact they accidentally see one of the chicks topless before the match, it's pretty weak. But Evil Dead, bieng a "dead wrestler" is pretty funny to watch, and how they speculate he's really Jumpsteady wearing a stupid rubber mask. The main event is pretty cool since it's got some good fighting in it, then a pointless end, which is made up for when Raven from WCW (This was made in 2000. Remember that) kicks some ass.

Now, the commentary. I'll give them props. It's better and funnier than Stranglemania, like how they ponder about Iron Shiek's big outie belly button or how King Kong Bundy reseembles a giant penis to them. But some of the dialogue is flat out annoying.

Now what gripse me about his tape. All of the matches are too short! During the battle royale, it's down to Evil Dead and the Rock n' Roll Express in a matter of minutes. Well, ICP's match and Tom Dub's match were pretty long.

Overall, this tape is ok. I just got hopes that volume 2 and the upcoming volume 3 will be better

Overall Rating: 7

When I saw this title on the list, I immediately knew our old friend Angryhydralisk was probably the man(?) behind the review. And I was not disappointed. Well, I WAS disappointed. But I was right.

You know, this is MOVIE reviews. Just because it's on a VHS or the internet, doesn't mean it's a fucking movie. Hell, I could videotape me trimming my ass hairs and making little dolls out of them, but that doesn't make it a movie (although the plot is intriguing). Here's my rule: If you can't fucking come up with a plot, then it's not a movie (unless it's a really bad movie, like the one Jixby recently reviewed here).

Anyway, back to this review. As far as I'm concerned, this tape isn't real. Just fucking read this thing. The review sounds like Angryhydralisk just wrote up some made-up wrestler names and match types, and just threw in ICP a couple of times.

If this is, in fact, a real tape, Angry just did a horrible job reviewing it (who would have thought!). He writes like we should all have extensive knowledge regarding ICP and their stupid endeavors. Oh, Evil Dead the wrestler? Yeah, he IS funny! God yes, this IS better than Stranglemania. Man, I have to get this, knowing that Diamond Donovan Douglas is in it!

In other words, I imagine Angry and 4 other 13-year-old "juggalos" bought this tape, and know what the fuck is going on. Why he felt this deserved a review (and an incompetently written one, at that), I'll never know. If I ever met AngryHydralisk, I'd probably stab him in the eye before I could ask him. And then he'd scream like a sissy.

I imagine that it's called ChampionSHIT wrestling for a reason. And I also imagine that AngryHydralisk's parents call him "Exhibit A in their lawsuit against Shiek Condoms" for a reason too.

NES Boy · #19

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jamesman

As far as I'm concerned, this tape isn't real. Just fucking read this thing. The review sounds like Angryhydralisk just wrote up some made-up wrestler names and match types, and just threw in ICP a couple of times.

If this is, in fact, a real tape, Angry just did a horrible job reviewing it (who would have thought!). He writes like we should all have extensive knowledge regarding ICP and their stupid endeavors. Oh, Evil Dead the wrestler? Yeah, he IS funny! God yes, this IS better than Stranglemania. Man, I have to get this, knowing that Diamond Donovan Douglas is in it!

Well, guess what? Juggalo Championshit Wrestling IS real! Check out the website!

punkgrrrlie10 · #20

Reviews of reviews

James · #21

People take things a little too literally. :/

Anyway, should I write more of these? I stopped because people seemed to lose interest, and I was just making myself laugh.

Pub Lover · #22

James, are you really so insecure that you need our reassurances whenever you post a piece?

James · #23

Let me rephrase: Do you guys want me to start this up again? There's no point for me to do them if nobody reads/likes them. Has nothing to do with insecurity, dumbass.