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groznier999 · #1

Pirates, Crocodiles and Kittens. Introduction.
There once was a Pirate named Zarthan the Magnifilicious. He was a stunning site to behold, with all the injuries and prosthetics that had been added to him. His left hand, lost in a battle with an angry drunken husband was a hook which he swung a monkey from. The monkey was equipped with grenade stuffed boxing gloves - his name was Chip. The other hand, eaten by himself on a long lonely vayage long after his crew had succumbed to cannibalism and eaten themselves leaving nothing for himself - was replaced with cybernetics ala terminator. On each shoulder was perched a parrot, one that breathed fire and another that shot lazers. He had lost both his legs on a stupid dare in his youth, two peglegs were in their place, a lightsaber and a pogo-stick. Dressed in a redcoat with a wide brimmed admirals hat, not to mention his dreadlocked hair and magnificent beard he struck fear into all who gazed upon him.

Pirate Zarthans most striking and inexplicable feature however was his eyepatch, or rather, both of them. One was polka-dot and the other tartan. Nobody knew how he managed to see out of them but rumours abound. Perhaps they were high-tech goggles of some sort or maybe he lost both eyes but was still able to see through sheer force of will? We will never know as he never talks about it and any who ask meet a swift and painful end at the hands of Chip.

No space pirate worthy of his cheap rum and even cheaper prostitutes would be complete without a first mate and Zarthans first mate was Rex. Rex was a walking crocodile with a purple mohawk and every tooth in his gaping maw had been replaced by bullets. "More than just cosmetics, bitches!" he was fond of saying. His usual style of dress was somewhat unusual as he wore a cheap dirty grey smock adorned with a sunflower motif which was frayed at the bottom. On top of this he wore garish make-up like glittered eyeshadow, purple lipstick and blue blusher. It was questionable to some but an erection inducing explosion of sexual perversion to others. It was a not-so-secret fact among the underground fetish clubs that Rex was a hermaphrodite. What was a very big secret was that Rex' vagina had been replaced with a food processor. He liked to go dungeon-diving when not pirating and look for fresh meat. He seduced the perverted where he could and was the bane of furfags everywhere.

Rex was effective in combat as he held a sawn of shotgun modified with a revolver-chamber six-shooter thing in each hand. In close quarters combat he was equally effective with his bullet filled jaws that could turn a human head into hamburger meat in one deadly chomp. To top this off he swung a chainsaw with a modified grip at the end of his tail.

The vessel these two nefarious pirates did their pirating, spacefaring and general debauchery in was christened 'The Super Happy Intergalatic Traveller'. It really was the SHIT alright!

The vessel was shaped like a small 17th century sloop like the ones pirates of bygone times would have used. Long and elegant - designed for quick manuevering, speed, and fast getaways. This was all irrelevant however as it was now tricked out for 22nd century space-pirating! The mast and mainsail had been removed and the upper deck had been covered with a large transparent dome. The rudder was gone and in its place at the back were two large propulsion jets capable of greater than lightspeed travel. These two jets were powered by a strange grand piano-organ-engine thingy of unknown origin that was fuelled by kittens. It was rumored to have been discovered by Rex and Zarthan after they slaughtered their way through The Vatican II of Regulus Prime and raided the secret archives.

Inside the ship they had replaced the deck with shagpile tiger-striped carpet with many kittens rolling around on it. Up at the fore they had wired a pair of Nintendo Wii controllers to the navigation computer. On top of this they had hung a schnazzy pair of furry dice. Below deck was the sleeping quarters, Zarthan slept on a hammock on one side with a backdrop of a carribean beach paradise painted on the wall. On the other side Rex slept on a heart shaped waterbed with a mirror on the ceiling. They also had a large meat-locker where they hung their kitten fuel, supplies and a large meat hook where Chip the Monkey was stored when he was not in use. Also, if either Rex or Zarthan got bored they could go in there and slap Chip around for a little bit.

Thats it for the introduction. If anyone likes it I will gladly write and post more. Im sorry if anyone found any of it offensive.

Guitar Woman · #2

DOOM: Repercussions of Evil

John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Cernel Joson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy."
Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS"
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons.
"This is Joson" the radio crackered. "You must fight the demons!"
So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.
"HE GOING TO KILL US" said the demons
"I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill the demons" he shouted
The radio said "No, John. You are the demons"
And then John was a zombie.