Think about it....
The first movie: She survives the beheading and at the end manages to staple gun her head back on. How? Well, how the fuck did her dead teenage son come back to be an indestructible zombie? That's why.
The second movie: Ms. Voorhees dresses up in a bright pink dress and starts going after people. Sadly, thanks to her poor workout schedule, she can't really carve people in two with a machete and ends up just beating the shit out of them with the flat end. And she isn't 'killed' as much as she just falls over, complaining of fatigue and cramps. She's then run over by a Pinto.
The third movie: Ms. Voorhees finally takes to wearing a mask due to the fact that most of her original face was damn ugly and now hanging off the back bumper of a Pinto. Unfortunately she's not a sports fan and ends up wearing a Richard Nixon Halloween mask as she goes nuts once more. Sadly, since the movie ends in a barn, her inability to climb brings back frustration from her days in gym class and she develops superhuman strength...which means nothing since the bikers just beat the crap out of her anyway, Hunter Thompson style, and drag her to the police station with their bikes.
The fourth movie: Now really fucked up, Ms. Voorhees is assumed dead and locked in a morgue until she comes back to 'life' and...well, is stuck in one of those morgue coolers. Come on, she's a fucking old woman with no real superpowers and a Nixon mask, what the fuck is she doing to do? Ugly it down? Anyway, Corey Feldman opens up the drawer and kicks her in the pubic mound. Why? Because it's not part of the movie but the director decided to film it anyway. Feldman? Paid in blow and parachute pants.
The fifth movie: A new beginning? No, more like she's committed and spends most of her time running around the town in the Nixon mask until she's hit by an AMC Gremlin.
The sixth movie: Finally buried, Ms. Voorhees is dug up and brought back to life via lightning...only to find out it's really her nemesis, Corey Feldman, wanting to beat the shit out of her again. And he does. And the movie ends five minutes later.
The seventh movie: A girl with telekinetic powers goes out to Crystal Lake and learns to deal with them. A party by teenagers ends in sex for everybody only to eventually die. The twist? The killer is really AIDS. Now that's a slasher movie for the next generation!
The eighth movie: A bunch of teens head to New York and are beaten up by Mike Tyson, who is then turned back into a child who is then beaten up by the Warriors. What? You expecting something else? Look, you can see Leatherface in the bar but he's retired so what the fuck do you expect? I mean, seriously, do you honestly think a zombified retard can really come back over and over again? Oh come fucking on. I mean, that's quite a jump in logic to make, and that's just silly. You think we can build a whole new horror craze on that? Give me a break.
The ninth movie: a retitled Sleepaway Camp in which Ann Coulter is found out at the end to actually be a real woman.
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