Game: Hateful Chris
Developer:

Contest: Draw Hateful Chris and win a registered copy on CD! (Contest Results Posted!)

Let’s face it: We live in a commercial world. You can look in almost any direction and see some form of advertisement, from lingerie ads in the paper, to the TV spots for drugs that claim to elongate… things, to those goddamn weight loss leaflets that keep showing up under my windshield wiper. Everyday, another sells out to big name corporations (henceforth known as “the man”) and hocks stuff that they wouldn’t be caught dead using. Then, dead celebrities are reincarnated to sell even more crap. Why, it’s enough to make a bitter and cynical guy like me into a slightly more bitter and cynical-type guy.

There’s even been talk of game designers selling space in their games. Imagine it: cutting down hordes of enemies with your America Online Broad Sword of Slaying. Terrorist and counter-terrorist forces engaging each other in the aisles of a Wal-Mart. Cavorting about in a post apocalyptic wasteland sponsored by Pepsi! Egad, the possibilities are horrific! The future of gaming is bleak and doom-ful!

Thus, once again, independently made games are there to snatch us out of the stinking miasma of boring mainstream games to deliver the wonderfully simple, yet entertaining gameplay of yesteryear. They may not have fancy 3D engines or lucrative movie tie-ins, but boy, do they deliver. Case in point: Hateful Chris – Never Say Buy.

In HC - NSB, you assume the role of the chipper, optimistic young skeleton child for whom the game is named. After failing to bring him in as their new mascot, the evil faceless corporation, International Infotainment, has attempted to duplicate the Hateful Chris experience by creating a second-rate clone named “Dreadful Dana,” and unlike the real deal, this clone isn’t as concerned with tearing down the materialistic views of society, as he is with selling out big time and ruining Hateful Chris’ image. Well, our hero is not one to take this sort of thing lying down, and he sets off to do what anyone would do in the same situation: rage across the city.

As much as I like destruction, though, if it’s not properly directed, it won’t accomplish much. As such, you have eight different quests that you can do along the way to toppling International Infotainment, of which you need do only four. They range from something as simple as getting a giant gun from some sailors in exchange for beer, to ruining a boy band concert, to planting a big bomb in a shopping mall. Each one is trickier than you’d think (especially the one with the sweatshop workers), but with the right choice of weapons, any quest can become child’s play.

Oh, and what weapons there are! There is a plethora of weapons in this game, from ninja stars to chain guns. Hell, even seemingly innocent items such as Popsicles and Salami can be used with deadly force. Here are some of the more notable weapons:

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Ooh a pickaxe. How original.” Well, stuff your gob, Lucinda, because this isn’t just an ordinary, put-a-hole-in-someone’s-head pickaxe, oh no:

That’s right; in a few seconds, you can dig a hole, line it with punji sticks, and put a little sign next to it. And don’t think that the sign will stop people from walking right into it either; people are stupid like that.

And what is this curious device? Why, it’s the Lardlord 2000, used by the employees at Überburger to extract more grease from the basement storage tank. As you can see, it has an adverse effect on human beings.

You can even throw a junkie’s used hypodermic needles at people, just like that guy from Narc. The only real difference, aside from you not having a mullet, is that instead of flashing all sorts of colors, the people you hit with the needles start repeatedly vomiting.

At one point, you can even buy yourself a schnazzy mech to traipse around town in. Now I ask you, how many games let you throw needles at people, and buy your own mech? None, that’s how many. Of course, mechs don’t run on happy thoughts; you’ll need to watch your fuel supply. Fortunately, fuel can be easily obtained by smattering a few members of the populous.

All of the worst elements of society are all here: goths, ravers, wiggers, punks, white trash, bums, old people, and the like. Plus, they each have their own attack method; the ravers throw pills at you, the bums send noxious clouds at you, old people throw their dentures, and goths run away as soon as you hit them. You’ll need to kill ‘em all to get the job done. Fortunately, as you’ve seen, you’ve got plenty of firepower to get the job done. As if that weren’t enough, however, you have a trump card:

You see, whenever you hurt someone, there is a spray of blood. If enough of that blood gets on you, you can activate "Berserk mode", and slaughter whatever streetwalkers are around you with a single, gruesome attack. Plus, the method of attack changes every time, so you may be slicing throw a row of them with a scythe one time, and the very next time detonating a bomb at your feet, which is a surprisingly effective method of mayhem.

So there you have it: Carnage and sadism once again form an entertaining duo, and we are shown once more that almost any problem can be solved with wanton violence and a general disregard for laws and morals. With that in mind, download the demo. Better yet, spend ten bucks and buy the game. Come on, sell out. It’s fun. One of us! One of us! One of us!

And while you're at it, come check out the next installment in the Hateful Chris legacy: "Shoot the Moon". It's in 3D!!! Holy crap! Check it out here.

Review by:


Dr. Boogie

***BONUS CONTEST!***

NOTE: THIS CONTEST HAS ENDED.
CLICK HERE FOR THE RESULTS!

Once again, we're happy to announce another contest. This time, the ferocious fiends of Furious Entertainment have been kind enough to provide us with a fully registered copy of Hateful Chris to give away to you, the ungrateful cheap-ass who can't spend 10 bux on a great game. Yes indeed, whoever wins this contest will receive their very own free copy of "Hateful Chris: Never Say Buy" on CD! Not a bad deal eh? Ok so here's how to enter...

You need to draw Hateful Chris. Make him look better, make him look more evil, make him look however you want. It's up to you. You have to draw Hateful Chris brutalizing, maiming, and yes, even killing the one person/thing you hate more than anything. For example, if you hate sea monkeys, you have to draw Hateful Chris ending their existence in the most painful way you can imagine. HOLD NOTHING BACK! The winner of the contest will receive a registered copy of Hateful Chris on CD. Then you can waste the 10 bux you would have spent on the game on something else... like I-Mockery Stickers! *yet another blatant advertisement*

RULES & INFO:

• All entries must be received by APRIL 1ST, 2003. Contest results and all of the entries will be posted for all to see shortly after that date on this page.

• Pictures should NOT exceed 500k

• Animated .gifs and Flash .swf animations are acceptable too.

• Entries are going to be judged on humor, creativity, blood, and gore.

• ANYBODY can enter, you don't have to be an amazing artist to win.

• Enter as many times as you like, there is no limit.

• Winning entry receives a free registered copy of Hateful Chris on CD!

• Runner-up entry will receive some free I-Mockery Stickers!

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