Game: Zombie Smashers X
Developer: Totally Screwed Software

*Click here for results of the Zombie Smashers X contest*

During the Age of Strife (read: the 80s), there was a severe lacking in entertainment outside of cocaine and all those one-hit-wonder bands you see compiled on “Best of the 80s” CDs. Then one day, the Nintendo Entertainment System was released, with a promise to shepherd us from the darkness. There was only one problem: the Nintendos were only built to last a maximum of three years before it became nearly impossible to get one of your games to load.

Despite such a glaring defect, the NES has withstood the test of time, passing from the era of its birth all the way into the end of the millennium. In its wake, there were numerous memorable titles, such as the Double Dragon series. In the tradition of that series, Technos, the company behind it, brought forth another spectacular fighting game, with just a hint of RPG within it. Thus, River City Ransom was created.

In it, you punched, kicked, and beat your enemies with sticks. Plus, you’d earn money from doing so, which you’d spend on various foods and trinkets that would boost your fighting ability. Indeed, it was truly magnificent game, where you would be assaulting a gang member with a trashcan in one scene, and then eating a strength-boosting cheeseburger in the next. I asked myself, how could you improve on such a simple, timeless formula of ruthless beatings and fantastic powerups? Well, my question was answered, and not with a resounding, “you can’t,” like the more cynical among you might be thinking. No, the wonderful people at Totally Screwed Software have managed to revive the presumed-dead RCR legacy with a little gem they call Zombie Smashers X.

Choose your smasher!

No longer confined to selecting just two almost identical characters, you now have a whopping ten characters at your fingertips. They all start with the same statistics, in terms of strength, agility, punch, RBIs, etc. In this game, however, each character starts with a different special move or ability. They range from a simple headbutt, to being “crotchety” (always starting with the “crotchety cane”), to the gory, visceral “heartbreaker,” which I will talk about later.

Enough about pre-carnage stuff, though. Let’s take a look at the bloody, bone-crunching, face-shattering, bowel-blasting combat:

Clean-up in aisle seven...

Say what you will about zombies, they retain a lot more blood than you’d think they would. Every blow that draws blood splatters it across the pavement while you sit at your computer and giggle maniacally. During an extended battle, in other words during every fight scene that you don’t leave early, you may be hard pressed to see even a single inch (or centimeter for our friends overseas) of the ground.

For the most part, the combat is very similar to that of RCR, but with more special moves. Plus, to further boost your zombie smashing abilities, your character has an adrenalin bar that build up with each successful blow. When the bar is full, you start shaking like a crack addict with Parkinson’s, and the strength of your punches and kicks is increased to the point of hurling your enemies backwards, or just popping their heads like juicy zits. Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and you will soon be back to beating the crap out of everyone with an empty adrenalin bar. On the plus side, you don’t need to have the bar completely full to experience its benefits, as the adrenalin bar will gradually empty and refill your health bar for some reason.

Mmm, weapon-o-rific goodness.

Those of you familiar with RCR will remember that for weapons, all you got were a few poorly drawn items such as baseballs, pipes, trashcans, and other things that you’d expect to find in an alleyway of a stereotypical American big city. Not this time, as this game was made by people that actual live in the country they portray in their game. You can find many of the same items, but you’ll also happen upon wrenches, shurikens, knives, the “crotchety cane” (shown on the far right), and other deadly fighting accoutrements. What’s more is that you can throw lighter items, such as the shuriken, farther than, say, the crate or trashcan. The tire and other similar, rolling-potential objects, rolls along the ground instead of coming to a dead stop, making them into a sort of long-range weapon. One that can accidentally (and easily) knock you on your ass, but a long-range weapon nonetheless.

Apu? Are you in there?

Further examples of updating from the original RCR can be seen with the modern in-between store sections. That means no more 50s era diners or places like “Chez Walle.” Plus, instead of learning new special moves by reading about them in books, you can now simply go to the tattoo parlor and get one etched onto you! Screw literacy! Of the available tattoos, however, the most useful one allows you to see what benefits the different foods will give you (i.e. Boost your strength, raise your maximum health, etc.). A very useful thing to have before you go and blow $20 on a huge pizza that won’t boost the stats you want.

How many editors do you know have have a "ninja" box to check off?


Check the box of spite! You can never have enough SPITE!

The fun doesn’t end once you’ve beaten the game, oh no. Zombie Smashers X comes packaged with an editor so you can make your own custom game. Piece together a location to match the crappy town you live in. Make your own stores that sell your own custom food. How many games can say that they have a food editor? Max Payne? Hell no. Unreal Tournament? You wish.

There you have it. A truly marvelous, yet devilishly simplistic game. One that avoids today’s overemphasis on cutting edge graphics to offset horrible gameplay, while at the same time being as wonderfully bloody as all get out. Download the demo right now, and if you like it, send the creator a ten spot to get the full version for even more pointless violence. Sweet, pointless violence *drool*. Ahem, more importantly, if you like the game and pay for the registered version, I won’t look like such a stinkin’ crook for tricking him into giving me a free copy.

Review by:


Dr. Boogie

***BONUS CONTEST!***

THIS CONTEST HAS ENDED!
CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ENTRIES!

Thanks to the spiffy bastards at Totally Screwed Software, we're able to give you the opportunity to win the full version of Zombie Smashers X! Yep, they're offering a free registration code to anybody who wins whatever contest we come up with. So what did we come up with? It's quite simple.

You need to draw a zombie. And then smash it. Smash it it the bloodiest, goriest, cruelest way you can possibly imagine. All entries must have before and after shots of the zombie! All entries will be put up on the site for everybody to see! And the winner of the contest will get a free registration code for Zombie Smashers X so he/or she can play the full version of the game! Then you can waste the 10 bux you would have spent on the game on something else... like I-Mockery Stickers! *blatant advertisement*

That's all there is to it! Email your entries (or links to your entries) to:
webmaster@i-mockery.com

RULES & INFO:

• All entries must be received by September 15th. Contest results and all of the entries will be posted for all to see shortly after that.

• Don't forget, you need to send in a "before" and "after" picture of your zombie. (ie: pre-smashed and post-smashed versions)

• Pictures should not exceed 500k

• Animated .gifs and Flash .swf animations are acceptable too.

• Entries are going to be judged on humor, creativity, blood, and gore.

• ANYBODY can enter, you don't have to be an amazing artist to win.

• Winning entry receives a free registration code for Zombie Smashers X!

That's all there is to it! So start coming up with some twisted zombies and smash 'em!
Then send in your entries before the 15th!

Are you an independent game developer? Is there a great indie game you've discovered?
Email us some info about the game and we just might do a feature on it