1.) Don't go with your
first costume idea! You might be surprised with how unusual your
next idea turns out to be!
2.) Instead of treats,
collect money for your favorite charity!
3.) Trick or treating
at night can be dangerous! Trick or treating before the sun goes
down can be a surprising change, AND you can see everybody's costume
better! It doesn't take all the fun out it at all!
4.) Hand out healthy
treats instead of candy!
5.) Run from house to
house and get a cardio workout!
6.) Don't dress up as
you being someone! Dress up as your Mom being someone else! Neat!
7.) Instead of saying
"Trick or Treat" when the neighbors open their door, try feigning a
8.) Don't trick or
treat in the same old Neighborhood! Trick or treat in that
neighborhood Dad goes to when he says he's, "working late!"
9.) Trick or treating
with the same old gang is fun, but predictable! Why not join up with
a group of kids who don't even know you!
10.) Screw reflective
tape! Reflective Tape says "I'm not spooky at all, I'm a gay little
crybaby! Instead, paint your naked body black and lie in the road!
11.) Make a costume
out of butterfly wings, dreams, rainbows and that damn neighbor's
12.) Trick or treat
the day AFTER Halloween! When folks mention this to you, drop to
your knees and howl like a monkey with it's nuts under a truck wheel
until they call the police! Be sure you're dressed as a Power Ranger
or this might not work!
13.) Shave off all
your hair including eyebrows, underarms and pubes. Then forget what
you thought that would make you look like, go slowly into shock and
lie on the floor of your room in the fetal position instead of trick or
14.) Everybody carves
pumpkins! Carve your neighbor's damn barky dog instead!
15.) Hide in the
bushes near your Jack-o-lantern. When some neighborhood teen comes
by to smash it, crush his windpipe shut with a tire iron! Then carve
off his face and wear it as a mask. When you trick or treat your
neighbor's house, be sure to ask where their dog is!
16.) Make your
girlfriend (or Mom) wait for the Great Pumpkin with you by nailing
her to a large plywood plank you left in the pumpkin patch earlier
that day. Be sure to plan ahead and bring plenty of plastic tarps!
17.) Dress up as your
Mom in her room! Put on plenty of Mascara, 'cause it looks real
spooky when you cry and cry and cry!
18.) Start Trick or
treating when the sun goes down and JUST KEEP GOING! 'Round about
Ten O'clock, people will start to be very annoyed and by Eleven they
may even call the police but only because they're jealous you got
the most candy and that makes you The Candy King!
19.) Don't hand out
candy! Hand out bees!
20.) When trick or
treaters come to the door, give 'em the old "I got candy Corn in my
pocket." line! But when they reach in, all that's there is a mouse
trap! And your wiener! That'll show them for owning a dog!
21.) Instead of
or treating, kill your neighbor's Dog! They need to know who's boss!
22.) Draw Pirate faces
on your knees and crab walk through the neighborhood saying "Arrrr,
Tricks or Treats, matey, we are Knee Pirates!"
23.) Get a giant horn,
some lederhosen, a Tyrolean hat, unzip your fly and go as that
Riccola guy who had his crank hanging out!
24.) T.P. your
neighbors house and then crucify that damn barky dog of theirs and
see if it's still so barky once it's staked up on their lawn!
25.) Trick or treat as
usual until the very last house! When Mrs. Johnson answers, tear off
the top of your head and let "Kolas The Damned, Slayer of Dogs"
leap out and devour her!
26.) The first time
you get a Reese's product, unwrap it it and bite in right on the
doorstep! Then say "Oh my God! I'm allergic to peanuts!" unless you
really are allergic to peanuts, in which case you'll have to ice
their dog but good.
27.) Dress as a giant,
ferocious cat or a mental, ax-wielding, Animal Control Officer.
28.) Barking, barking,
incessant barking! They're like rats with collars! It's intolerable!
29.) Don't Bob for
Apples! Make Fluffy bob for apples until that DAMN SISSIFIED
BARKY-ASS POODLE NEVER BOBS AGAIN!
30.) THERE'S ONE! GET
IT! SHOOT FOR GOD SAKES, SHOOT! WHO IS BARKING NOW? DO THEY LET YOU
BARK IN DOGGY HELL OR DOES THE DEVIL FREEZE YOUR LARYNX OUT OF
31.) Why not have a
party instead of trick or treating? That way your ankle bracelet
won't make that damn barking noise!
32.) Instead of
putting razor blades in apples, try Exacto knife blades! Pomeranians
33.) You want to give
me one fucking reason why anyone should be allowed to keep a god
damn liar dog as a pet with all those dog lies and shit? What the
fuck, why don't you just give a sewer rat steroids and have that
fetch your fucking paper?! You're lucky I don't kill you!
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought #34 was actually a dog shaped like number
35.) Popcorn balls
are a great treat, and making them is a fun activity for the whole
36.) You know that
print, "Dogs Playing Poker"? What the fuck, right? Who wishes they
could go back in time and beat the crap out of the guy that came up
with that? I DO!!
37.) Plastic tarps
make great spooky ghost costumes but don't tie them too tight around
your neck unless you're about to have an orgasm as opposed to trick
38.) Don't think about
dogs, don't think about dogs. Don't think about dogs!
39.) I HATE YOU MOMMY!
I HATE YOU! I WAS YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD BUT SPIKE GOT ALL YOUR
40.) For a real spooky
treat, watch the Westminster Kennel Club Finals, but this time don't
scratch yourself raw or paint the walls with your own excrement.
41.) Dress as a
rainbow fairy and tell anyone who opens the door to you that you are
gay, gay, gay as the day is long, gay for vagrants. That will frost
Mommy's social drinking, zombified, suburban book club, dog loving
42.) Dress up as a guy
who doesn't know the truth about dogs and all their love stealing
lies. When the neighbors dog comes to the door, crush it's head with
a sledge hammer! Your neighbors will thank you and make you their
43.) They invented
smoking, you know. To kill us all. That's what they're really like.
44.) OH PLASTIC TARPS,
WHY MUST YOU COST SO MUCH?!
45.) Dress as the
famous Hobo, Dog Killin' Cletus Joe!
46.) Why should I
share my secrets with you? Has anyone ever told you, you have a very
47.) Go as a guy from
an alternate universe where there are no dogs.
48.) A timeless Halloween gag that has nothing to do with killing neighborhood dogs
and ending their ceaseless bark-lies once and for all is to... is
49.) Make kids stick
their hands into a bowl of peeled grapes and tell them it is eyeballs!
Then make them reach into another bowl and they'll say 'Oh, more
grapes?' but here is the twist, this bowl IS full of eyes!
SAY YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I GOT THEM, DOG LOVER! Be sure to have
plenty of PLASTIC TARPS on hand to avoid a mess. Mommy hates a mess.
Oh yes she does. Make a mess and get a punishment is what Mommy
50.) Have fun but be
safe! Do not speak of our plans for their hearing is acute! Use the
secret hand signs! On Halloween the barking ends!
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
Halloween Costumes For Grown-Ups!