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50 Ways To Make This Halloween An Unusual Departure From Past Ones!

1.) Don't go with your first costume idea! You might be surprised with how unusual your next idea turns out to be!

2.) Instead of treats, collect money for your favorite charity!

3.) Trick or treating at night can be dangerous! Trick or treating before the sun goes down can be a surprising change, AND you can see everybody's costume better! It doesn't take all the fun out it at all!

4.) Hand out healthy treats instead of candy!

5.) Run from house to house and get a cardio workout!

6.) Don't dress up as you being someone! Dress up as your Mom being someone else! Neat!

7.) Instead of saying "Trick or Treat" when the neighbors open their door, try feigning a seizure!

8.) Don't trick or treat in the same old Neighborhood! Trick or treat in that neighborhood Dad goes to when he says he's, "working late!"

9.) Trick or treating with the same old gang is fun, but predictable! Why not join up with a group of kids who don't even know you!

10.) Screw reflective tape! Reflective Tape says "I'm not spooky at all, I'm a gay little crybaby! Instead, paint your naked body black and lie in the road!

11.) Make a costume out of butterfly wings, dreams, rainbows and that damn neighbor's dog's lungs!

12.) Trick or treat the day AFTER Halloween! When folks mention this to you, drop to your knees and howl like a monkey with it's nuts under a truck wheel until they call the police! Be sure you're dressed as a Power Ranger or this might not work!

13.) Shave off all your hair including eyebrows, underarms and pubes. Then forget what you thought that would make you look like, go slowly into shock and lie on the floor of your room in the fetal position instead of trick or treating!

14.) Everybody carves pumpkins! Carve your neighbor's damn barky dog instead!

15.) Hide in the bushes near your Jack-o-lantern. When some neighborhood teen comes by to smash it, crush his windpipe shut with a tire iron! Then carve off his face and wear it as a mask. When you trick or treat your neighbor's house, be sure to ask where their dog is!

16.) Make your girlfriend (or Mom) wait for the Great Pumpkin with you by nailing her to a large plywood plank you left in the pumpkin patch earlier that day. Be sure to plan ahead and bring plenty of plastic tarps!

17.) Dress up as your Mom in her room! Put on plenty of Mascara, 'cause it looks real spooky when you cry and cry and cry!

18.) Start Trick or treating when the sun goes down and JUST KEEP GOING! 'Round about Ten O'clock, people will start to be very annoyed and by Eleven they may even call the police but only because they're jealous you got the most candy and that makes you The Candy King!

19.) Don't hand out candy! Hand out bees!

20.) When trick or treaters come to the door, give 'em the old "I got candy Corn in my pocket." line! But when they reach in, all that's there is a mouse trap! And your wiener! That'll show them for owning a dog!

21.) Instead of trick or treating, kill your neighbor's Dog! They need to know who's boss!

22.) Draw Pirate faces on your knees and crab walk through the neighborhood saying "Arrrr, Tricks or Treats, matey, we are Knee Pirates!"

23.) Get a giant horn, some lederhosen, a Tyrolean hat, unzip your fly and go as that Riccola guy who had his crank hanging out!

24.) T.P. your neighbors house and then crucify that damn barky dog of theirs and see if it's still so barky once it's staked up on their lawn!

25.) Trick or treat as usual until the very last house! When Mrs. Johnson answers, tear off the top of your head and let "Kolas The Damned, Slayer of Dogs" leap out and devour her!

26.) The first time you get a Reese's product, unwrap it it and bite in right on the doorstep! Then say "Oh my God! I'm allergic to peanuts!" unless you really are allergic to peanuts, in which case you'll have to ice their dog but good.

27.) Dress as a giant, ferocious cat or a mental, ax-wielding, Animal Control Officer.

28.) Barking, barking, incessant barking! They're like rats with collars! It's intolerable!

29.) Don't Bob for Apples! Make Fluffy bob for apples until that DAMN SISSIFIED BARKY-ASS POODLE NEVER BOBS AGAIN!


31.) Why not have a party instead of trick or treating? That way your ankle bracelet won't make that damn barking noise!

32.) Instead of putting razor blades in apples, try Exacto knife blades! Pomeranians LOVE apples!

33.) You want to give me one fucking reason why anyone should be allowed to keep a god damn liar dog as a pet with all those dog lies and shit? What the fuck, why don't you just give a sewer rat steroids and have that fetch your fucking paper?! You're lucky I don't kill you!

34.) AAAAAAGHHHH!!! Oh, I'm sorry. I thought #34 was actually a dog shaped like number 34.

35.) Popcorn balls are a great treat, and making them is a fun activity for the whole family!

36.) You know that print, "Dogs Playing Poker"? What the fuck, right? Who wishes they could go back in time and beat the crap out of the guy that came up with that? I DO!!

37.) Plastic tarps make great spooky ghost costumes but don't tie them too tight around your neck unless you're about to have an orgasm as opposed to trick or treating!

38.) Don't think about dogs, don't think about dogs. Don't think about dogs!


40.) For a real spooky treat, watch the Westminster Kennel Club Finals, but this time don't scratch yourself raw or paint the walls with your own excrement.

41.) Dress as a rainbow fairy and tell anyone who opens the door to you that you are gay, gay, gay as the day is long, gay for vagrants. That will frost Mommy's social drinking, zombified, suburban book club, dog loving ass.

42.) Dress up as a guy who doesn't know the truth about dogs and all their love stealing lies. When the neighbors dog comes to the door, crush it's head with a sledge hammer! Your neighbors will thank you and make you their king!

43.) They invented smoking, you know. To kill us all. That's what they're really like.


45.) Dress as the famous Hobo, Dog Killin' Cletus Joe!

46.) Why should I share my secrets with you? Has anyone ever told you, you have a very long nose?

47.) Go as a guy from an alternate universe where there are no dogs.

48.) A timeless Halloween gag that has nothing to do with killing neighborhood dogs and ending their ceaseless bark-lies once and for all is to... is to...

49.) Make kids stick their hands into a bowl of peeled grapes and tell them it is eyeballs! Then make them reach into another bowl and they'll say 'Oh, more grapes?' but here is the twist, this bowl IS full of eyes! OH DON'T SAY YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I GOT THEM, DOG LOVER! Be sure to have plenty of PLASTIC TARPS on hand to avoid a mess. Mommy hates a mess. Oh yes she does. Make a mess and get a punishment is what Mommy says.

50.) Have fun but be safe! Do not speak of our plans for their hearing is acute! Use the secret hand signs! On Halloween the barking ends!

-Max Burbank

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Halloween Costumes For Grown-Ups!