Are you tired of giving out
Halloween candy year after year but don't know what else to
do to set yourself apart from the crowd? Well, cry yourself to sleep
no longer! I'm here to bring you 50 funtastic alternatives to
passing out boring old candy this Halloween season! Try passing out
some of these instead:
1.) Apples. A healthy classic!
2.) Jack T. Chick tracts, because if there's one thing that
people love even more than having your religion shoved in their
face, it's being told they're going to Hell for whatever it is they
happen to be in the middle of enjoying.
3.) A carton of eggs and Mapquest directions to your boss's
address. Let the mischief begin!
4.) Handfuls of loose thumb tacks. This is sure to be a big
hit when the delighted little youngsters reach into their bag of
candy AND PULL OUT A BLOODY STUMP!
5.) Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Unwrapped.
6.) Mostly used ink cartridges. Tell them it's a vial of the
Devil's black blood.
7.) Fried chicken legs and tacos. Strapped together in a
"combo pack" by rubber band. I ask you, who would not love this?
8.) Fortune cookies. But be sure to replace all the real
fortunes with spooky Halloween ones like "You're gonna die tonight!"
or "Your family is stalked by cancer."
9.) A black eye and a bloody nose. That'll show those
trick-or-treaters what for!
10.) Novelty firecrackers in the shape of grenades. Or, if
you can, live grenades.
11.) Bags of "authentic celebrity vomit". Or "hopeful
celebrity-to-be" vomit, anyway, because you're still working on the
next great American novel, after all.
12.) Candy apples. Those little scamps will have so much fun
peeling all their other candy wrappers off the sticky apple!
13.) If you want to be a real tightwad this Halloween, buy a
single box of Nerds, and give each kid one individual Nerd. Okay, so
that's actually candy, but it is NOT the norm!
14.) Your dirty underwear. Hey, if Japanese businessmen can
buy schoolgirl panties out of a vending machine, the least these
little bastards can do is show some appreciation for getting it for
15.) What kid doesn't love SCORPIONS!!?
16.) How about giving away all those pennies that you have
sitting in that jar on your nightstand? You know you're never going
to bother rolling them up and taking them to the bank. But make sure
some of them are "ass pennies".
17.) Grandpa's Viagra.
18.) Give each trick-or-treater one Monopoly game piece. When
they complain that they don't have enough pieces to play, tell them
that all the neighborhood kids have pieces, and that if they didn't
suck at making friends, maybe they'd actually be able to play.
19.) Your roommate's CD collection. Starting with Air Supply
and ending with Wham!
20.) Condiment packets from various fast food restaurants.
21.) Give the kids an important life lesson about how they'd
better enjoy themselves now, because when they grow up and graduate
from school, they won't have time for fun as they toil away at a
meaningless 9 to 5 job, because hey, the bills need to be paid, and
they're going to come home to a wife who nags them and some
screaming kids and the only solace they'll ever find is falling
asleep in front of the television every night with a cold beer.
They'll be sure to thank you for this sobering "eye-opener".
22.) Those little green plastic army men. I dunno, tell the
kids they're going to "protect" the candy or something. Those
fuckers are cheap, it's like $1 for a huge bag of them.
23.) Little ziplock bags full of lint.
24.) Polaroids of yourself dressed in a Wonder Woman costume.
If you're male, you'll see a significant drop in the number of
trick-or-treaters next year. But watch out, because the ones who
come back know what they want, and they're going to be persistent.
25.) Dress up as a villain from "Gummi Bears" and hand out
individual gummy bears. Before you hand them over, bite their heads
off and insist it that was their favorite character.
26.) Little bags of urine. You know, "for drug tests".
27.) Macaroni art.
28.) Hand out Xeroxed copies of the entire Bible, and try
your best to staple it all together.
29.) Little dolls made out of peanuts, twisty ties, and pubic
30.) Your roommate's porn collection.
31.) This thing:
The problem is you can
only do it once.
32.) VHS copies of the really bad student film you made in
college. Because the neighborhood children are sure to see meaning
in it where your professor and classmates did not.
33.) Campaign buttons and stickers for whatever jackass
you're supporting in the upcoming political election. It's sure to
get the kids interested in voting!
34.) Chapter excerpts from the next great American novel
you've been working on. Make sure you include plenty of the steamy
sex scenes, so you'll be sure to sell lots of copies when it finally
35.) Goldfish. The satisfaction of knowing that most of these
kids' parents will have to run out and buy a fishbowl or tank just
so their kid doesn't cry will be totally worth it.
36.) Put a water balloon in their bags before they even see
what you're doing. Then explain that it's a "candy bomb" and if they
move faster than a walking pace or shake their bag too much it will
explode and ruin all their candy.
37.) Powdered laundry detergent "pixie sticks".
38.) Instead of passing out candy on Halloween, why not just
"pass out"? Rig up knockout gas to spray in your face every time you
open the door, and you'll collapse in a heap at the
trick-or-treaters' feet. They'll think they've killed you and will
run away screaming! Of course, you won't be conscious to enjoy it
and looters will probably rob you blind, but the fun "scare" you're
giving the children will make it all worthwhile.
39.) Forget hiding poison in the candy, just blatantly give
out little skull 'n crossbone vials of poison. Wrap them in a note
that simply says "You know what to do."
40.) Spoonfuls of mayonnaise. And be sure to remind the kids
to have their parents check their candy before they eat any of it!
41.) Be that "asshole" who gives out dental floss every year.
Only instead of dental floss, you've secretly placed a tiny spool of
barbed wire inside, and that'll give those gums a bloody cleaning
like they've never had before! CALL YOU AN ASSHOLE, WILL THEY?
42.) Peeled grapes, and tell the kids that they're really
eyeballs. Make sure you leave out that whole "close your eyes and
touch them" bit.
43.) Tin foil hats, and explain that it will protect them
from the evil alien mind control rays that make people do stupid
things like make and wear tin foil hats. If the kids tell you that's
stupid, tell them they have just learned "irony" and to get the hell
off your porch.
44.) Bags of dyed cotton, and tell the kids it's your own
special homemade blend of cotton candy.
45.) Pass out your monthly utility bills and tell the
trick-or-treaters you're going to give them an important life
lesson. Then tell them you'll expect the money to pay off those
bills by the end of the week, or you're going to send the collection
agencies after them.
46.) Shot glasses filled with motor oil.
47.) Your roommate's remote controls that go to all his/her
48.) A bag of garbage, and ask them if they would be so kind
as to drop it off on the sidewalk on their way back to the street.
49.) Orange rinds, but tell the kids to close their eyes and
touch them, and that they're really grapes.
50.) Give them scraps of your previous Halloween costumes,
and tell them that's all that's left of the kids who complained
about not getting candy.
And there you have it,
plenty of ideas to spice up your Halloween if you're stuck indoors
passing out candy this year. The only thing is, I will not be held
responsible if you actually TRY any of these ideas and they
result in your house getting egged or firebombed by those little
terrorist bastards. Or if they result in death. Have fun!