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Halloween Candy Alternatives!

Are you tired of giving out Halloween candy year after year but don't know what else to do to set yourself apart from the crowd? Well, cry yourself to sleep no longer! I'm here to bring you 50 funtastic alternatives to passing out boring old candy this Halloween season! Try passing out some of these instead:

1.) Apples. A healthy classic!

2.) Jack T. Chick tracts, because if there's one thing that people love even more than having your religion shoved in their face, it's being told they're going to Hell for whatever it is they happen to be in the middle of enjoying.

3.) A carton of eggs and Mapquest directions to your boss's address. Let the mischief begin!

4.) Handfuls of loose thumb tacks. This is sure to be a big hit when the delighted little youngsters reach into their bag of candy AND PULL OUT A BLOODY STUMP!

5.) Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Unwrapped.

6.) Mostly used ink cartridges. Tell them it's a vial of the Devil's black blood.

7.) Fried chicken legs and tacos. Strapped together in a "combo pack" by rubber band. I ask you, who would not love this?

8.) Fortune cookies. But be sure to replace all the real fortunes with spooky Halloween ones like "You're gonna die tonight!" or "Your family is stalked by cancer."

9.) A black eye and a bloody nose. That'll show those trick-or-treaters what for!

10.) Novelty firecrackers in the shape of grenades. Or, if you can, live grenades.

11.) Bags of "authentic celebrity vomit". Or "hopeful celebrity-to-be" vomit, anyway, because you're still working on the next great American novel, after all.

12.) Candy apples. Those little scamps will have so much fun peeling all their other candy wrappers off the sticky apple!

13.) If you want to be a real tightwad this Halloween, buy a single box of Nerds, and give each kid one individual Nerd. Okay, so that's actually candy, but it is NOT the norm!

14.) Your dirty underwear. Hey, if Japanese businessmen can buy schoolgirl panties out of a vending machine, the least these little bastards can do is show some appreciation for getting it for FREE.

15.) What kid doesn't love SCORPIONS!!?

16.) How about giving away all those pennies that you have sitting in that jar on your nightstand? You know you're never going to bother rolling them up and taking them to the bank. But make sure some of them are "ass pennies".

17.) Grandpa's Viagra.

18.) Give each trick-or-treater one Monopoly game piece. When they complain that they don't have enough pieces to play, tell them that all the neighborhood kids have pieces, and that if they didn't suck at making friends, maybe they'd actually be able to play.

19.) Your roommate's CD collection. Starting with Air Supply and ending with Wham!

20.) Condiment packets from various fast food restaurants.

21.) Give the kids an important life lesson about how they'd better enjoy themselves now, because when they grow up and graduate from school, they won't have time for fun as they toil away at a meaningless 9 to 5 job, because hey, the bills need to be paid, and they're going to come home to a wife who nags them and some screaming kids and the only solace they'll ever find is falling asleep in front of the television every night with a cold beer. They'll be sure to thank you for this sobering "eye-opener".

22.) Those little green plastic army men. I dunno, tell the kids they're going to "protect" the candy or something. Those fuckers are cheap, it's like $1 for a huge bag of them.

23.) Little ziplock bags full of lint.

24.) Polaroids of yourself dressed in a Wonder Woman costume. If you're male, you'll see a significant drop in the number of trick-or-treaters next year. But watch out, because the ones who come back know what they want, and they're going to be persistent.

25.) Dress up as a villain from "Gummi Bears" and hand out individual gummy bears. Before you hand them over, bite their heads off and insist it that was their favorite character.

26.) Little bags of urine. You know, "for drug tests".

27.) Macaroni art.

28.) Hand out Xeroxed copies of the entire Bible, and try your best to staple it all together.

29.) Little dolls made out of peanuts, twisty ties, and pubic hair.

30.) Your roommate's porn collection.

31.) This thing:
Oink, oink, loverboy.

The problem is you can only do it once.

32.) VHS copies of the really bad student film you made in college. Because the neighborhood children are sure to see meaning in it where your professor and classmates did not.

33.) Campaign buttons and stickers for whatever jackass you're supporting in the upcoming political election. It's sure to get the kids interested in voting!

34.) Chapter excerpts from the next great American novel you've been working on. Make sure you include plenty of the steamy sex scenes, so you'll be sure to sell lots of copies when it finally comes out!

35.) Goldfish. The satisfaction of knowing that most of these kids' parents will have to run out and buy a fishbowl or tank just so their kid doesn't cry will be totally worth it.

36.) Put a water balloon in their bags before they even see what you're doing. Then explain that it's a "candy bomb" and if they move faster than a walking pace or shake their bag too much it will explode and ruin all their candy.

37.) Powdered laundry detergent "pixie sticks".

38.) Instead of passing out candy on Halloween, why not just "pass out"? Rig up knockout gas to spray in your face every time you open the door, and you'll collapse in a heap at the trick-or-treaters' feet. They'll think they've killed you and will run away screaming! Of course, you won't be conscious to enjoy it and looters will probably rob you blind, but the fun "scare" you're giving the children will make it all worthwhile.

39.) Forget hiding poison in the candy, just blatantly give out little skull 'n crossbone vials of poison. Wrap them in a note that simply says "You know what to do."

40.) Spoonfuls of mayonnaise. And be sure to remind the kids to have their parents check their candy before they eat any of it!

41.) Be that "asshole" who gives out dental floss every year. Only instead of dental floss, you've secretly placed a tiny spool of barbed wire inside, and that'll give those gums a bloody cleaning like they've never had before! CALL YOU AN ASSHOLE, WILL THEY?

42.) Peeled grapes, and tell the kids that they're really eyeballs. Make sure you leave out that whole "close your eyes and touch them" bit.

43.) Tin foil hats, and explain that it will protect them from the evil alien mind control rays that make people do stupid things like make and wear tin foil hats. If the kids tell you that's stupid, tell them they have just learned "irony" and to get the hell off your porch.

44.) Bags of dyed cotton, and tell the kids it's your own special homemade blend of cotton candy.

45.) Pass out your monthly utility bills and tell the trick-or-treaters you're going to give them an important life lesson. Then tell them you'll expect the money to pay off those bills by the end of the week, or you're going to send the collection agencies after them.

46.) Shot glasses filled with motor oil.

47.) Your roommate's remote controls that go to all his/her electronic devices.

48.) A bag of garbage, and ask them if they would be so kind as to drop it off on the sidewalk on their way back to the street.

49.) Orange rinds, but tell the kids to close their eyes and touch them, and that they're really grapes.

50.) Give them scraps of your previous Halloween costumes, and tell them that's all that's left of the kids who complained about not getting candy.

And there you have it, plenty of ideas to spice up your Halloween if you're stuck indoors passing out candy this year. The only thing is, I will not be held responsible if you actually TRY any of these ideas and they result in your house getting egged or firebombed by those little terrorist bastards. Or if they result in death. Have fun!

-Protoclown
 


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