Halloween is a time
when many of us like to dress up, gorge ourselves on sweet candy,
and attend parties dressed up as outrageous characters who can then
act like outrageous assholes and deflect the blame by announcing
that "the Breast Inspector's going to do what the Breast Inspector's
going to do". But for some, Halloween is a time of year where people
can torture their pets in a socially acceptable way.
Take for example, Exhibit A, which I found posted on Fark.com's
message boards:
While not exactly
nailing your dog to a tree or tossing a burlap sack bursting with
kittens into the river, this isn't too far from it. You know when
you hear those stories about dogs that go crazy and eat their
masters? These are the dogs they're talking about. And who
can blame them? On top of the public humiliation they had to endure
that day, they had their picture frozen in time, immortalized for
all eternity.
Sometimes when growing up I'd look at my pets I'd wonder if maybe
they weren't people who had been reincarnated in animal form. Well,
after seeing the shit I'm about to show you, I fucking hope not, for
their sakes.
Here's a truly
wretched example of someone who has far too much money to
piss away on stupid nonsense. Star Wars themed DOG COSTUMES??
Dressing your child up as Yoda or Darth Vader and sending him into
the night equipped with an empty pillow case and a mask he can't see
out of is one thing, but THIS?? I just can't get over the fact that
people spend money on this. And these costumes aren't cheap, either,
often ringing up to just as much if not more than a decent HUMAN
costume.
But the scariest thing about this is the fact that you can dress up
your dog as Princess Leia in the slave outfit from Return of the
Jedi. Yes, that's right! You can finally realize your wet dream
of dressing your dog as every fanboy's wet dream!
And here's another sad
selection of dogs just waiting to be cuddled by the sweet, warm arms
of merciful death. Just look at the way the pirate and the witch are
gazing up at the camera with that plaintive "help me" look.
And this group
consisting of the biker, rock 'n roller, and firefighter? Praying
for death. And you can bet that the firefighter dog wouldn't even
piss on the person who dressed him up in that costume, even if said
person was completely ablaze.
And there's something
about this one that really freaks me out. First of all, dressing a
dog up as part of a harem is not something a mentally healthy
person would do. The unspoken sexual suggestions summoned by this
costume are sure to make everyone who sees it immensely
uncomfortable. And also, am I the only one who thinks the dog in the
picture looks like plastic? Hey, maybe even the people who
did the online catalog were too uncomfortable with this one to use a
real dog.
Here are some dog
costumes modeled on some famous DC Comics superheroes. The thing
that cracks me up is that the Superman dog costume was labeled on
the website specifically as a Superman costume. Nevermind that
Superman has a SUPER DOG named Krypto. They apparently don't have a
DOG costume for that.
Here are a few more
random hero dogs. We have here Spider-Man, Buzz Lightyear (oh yeah,
the toy jetpack tied around his head has GOT to be comfortable) and
some Red Ranger thing. I guess it must be a Power Ranger or
something, proving that even dogs aren't safe from bad Power Ranger
costumes.
Speaking of dog
costumes for dogs, here's a Goofy costume and a Scooby Doo costume.
Okay, now that I've seen it in action, a dog costume of a dog
wearing another dog is pretty fucking stupid. Forgive me, Superman.
Please don't bite me.
Seen here are a Zorro
costume, and a rather dignified pooch all dressed up for a night on
the town! Mind you, he's not so dignified that he won't stoop to
smelling another dog's ass, but he will do it in style!
Even dogs aren't
immune to the ubiquitous pimp costume (bitches not shown). And then
of course we have a bandito and a clown. I guarantee you that this
is one clown that's crying on the inside.
Oh, how delightfully
ironic! The dog is his very own food! Oh yes, I "get" it, good sir!
I do!
Okay, if you're a dog
(and if you are, how on earth are you reading this?), I don't care
what sort of horrible shit you've been through. Your life will never
get worse than this.
Oh, but cats aren't
safe either! There just happen to be far fewer cat costumes, because
cats will apparently not sit still for that shit. Hell, you can
barely find a decent catalog picture of a cat in a costume, because
exactly 0.0002 seconds after these pictures were snapped, these cats
leaped forward and mauled the photographer in the face.
You know, that Devil
Cat really DOES look kind of regal and imperious, as if he's
ready to mete out some serious infernal punishment, like sending
someone away to have their nipples eaten off by nefarious fire
slugs.
Hey, they even have
Jimmy Buffet costumes for dogs (only not quite as stupid looking)!
Seriously though, if you're ever at a party and you see dogs like
this running around, I'm going to let you in on a little secret:
that's a fucking lame party.
And finally, I think
this cat's expression sums up everything rather nicely. That's not
"cuteness" that dwells deep within those eyes. That's cold,
smoldering hatred.
And there you have it, a wide variety of horribly embarrassing pet
costumes. I'd have included some pictures of pets other than cats
and dogs, but it seems there's not much of a market for costumes for
your ferret, sea monkeys, or red-bellied chinchilla. I guess there's
not much good in putting a costume on a pet that doesn't leave the
house. Although come to think of it, there's not much good that
comes from dressing up ANY pets. No, no good. Only evil. Pure, black
as pitch, carrying a gun to school, letting the terrorists win
EVIL.
