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Pet Costumes!

Halloween is a time when many of us like to dress up, gorge ourselves on sweet candy, and attend parties dressed up as outrageous characters who can then act like outrageous assholes and deflect the blame by announcing that "the Breast Inspector's going to do what the Breast Inspector's going to do". But for some, Halloween is a time of year where people can torture their pets in a socially acceptable way.

Take for example, Exhibit A, which I found posted on Fark.com's message boards:

eat us

While not exactly nailing your dog to a tree or tossing a burlap sack bursting with kittens into the river, this isn't too far from it. You know when you hear those stories about dogs that go crazy and eat their masters? These are the dogs they're talking about. And who can blame them? On top of the public humiliation they had to endure that day, they had their picture frozen in time, immortalized for all eternity.

Sometimes when growing up I'd look at my pets I'd wonder if maybe they weren't people who had been reincarnated in animal form. Well, after seeing the shit I'm about to show you, I fucking hope not, for their sakes.

the force is not with you

Here's a truly wretched example of someone who has far too much money to piss away on stupid nonsense. Star Wars themed DOG COSTUMES?? Dressing your child up as Yoda or Darth Vader and sending him into the night equipped with an empty pillow case and a mask he can't see out of is one thing, but THIS?? I just can't get over the fact that people spend money on this. And these costumes aren't cheap, either, often ringing up to just as much if not more than a decent HUMAN costume.

But the scariest thing about this is the fact that you can dress up your dog as Princess Leia in the slave outfit from Return of the Jedi. Yes, that's right! You can finally realize your wet dream of dressing your dog as every fanboy's wet dream!

kill us please

And here's another sad selection of dogs just waiting to be cuddled by the sweet, warm arms of merciful death. Just look at the way the pirate and the witch are gazing up at the camera with that plaintive "help me" look.

euthanasia anybody?

And this group consisting of the biker, rock 'n roller, and firefighter? Praying for death. And you can bet that the firefighter dog wouldn't even piss on the person who dressed him up in that costume, even if said person was completely ablaze.

YOU SICK BASTARDS!

And there's something about this one that really freaks me out. First of all, dressing a dog up as part of a harem is not something a mentally healthy person would do. The unspoken sexual suggestions summoned by this costume are sure to make everyone who sees it immensely uncomfortable. And also, am I the only one who thinks the dog in the picture looks like plastic? Hey, maybe even the people who did the online catalog were too uncomfortable with this one to use a real dog.

LOOK UP IN THE SKY! IT'S SUPERWRONG!

Here are some dog costumes modeled on some famous DC Comics superheroes. The thing that cracks me up is that the Superman dog costume was labeled on the website specifically as a Superman costume. Nevermind that Superman has a SUPER DOG named Krypto. They apparently don't have a DOG costume for that.

NONONO

Here are a few more random hero dogs. We have here Spider-Man, Buzz Lightyear (oh yeah, the toy jetpack tied around his head has GOT to be comfortable) and some Red Ranger thing. I guess it must be a Power Ranger or something, proving that even dogs aren't safe from bad Power Ranger costumes.

I KNOW! I'LL DRESS UP THE DOG LIKE.... A DOG!

Speaking of dog costumes for dogs, here's a Goofy costume and a Scooby Doo costume. Okay, now that I've seen it in action, a dog costume of a dog wearing another dog is pretty fucking stupid. Forgive me, Superman. Please don't bite me.

pip pip

Seen here are a Zorro costume, and a rather dignified pooch all dressed up for a night on the town! Mind you, he's not so dignified that he won't stoop to smelling another dog's ass, but he will do it in style!

your dog wants to pimp slap you

Even dogs aren't immune to the ubiquitous pimp costume (bitches not shown). And then of course we have a bandito and a clown. I guarantee you that this is one clown that's crying on the inside.

EAT ME AGAIN

Oh, how delightfully ironic! The dog is his very own food! Oh yes, I "get" it, good sir! I do!

i hate myself and i want to die

Okay, if you're a dog (and if you are, how on earth are you reading this?), I don't care what sort of horrible shit you've been through. Your life will never get worse than this.

WE'LL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT

Oh, but cats aren't safe either! There just happen to be far fewer cat costumes, because cats will apparently not sit still for that shit. Hell, you can barely find a decent catalog picture of a cat in a costume, because exactly 0.0002 seconds after these pictures were snapped, these cats leaped forward and mauled the photographer in the face.

why god... WHY?

You know, that Devil Cat really DOES look kind of regal and imperious, as if he's ready to mete out some serious infernal punishment, like sending someone away to have their nipples eaten off by nefarious fire slugs.

Fuck Jimmy Buffet and fuck YOU

Hey, they even have Jimmy Buffet costumes for dogs (only not quite as stupid looking)! Seriously though, if you're ever at a party and you see dogs like this running around, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: that's a fucking lame party.

HUMANS SUCK

And finally, I think this cat's expression sums up everything rather nicely. That's not "cuteness" that dwells deep within those eyes. That's cold, smoldering hatred.

And there you have it, a wide variety of horribly embarrassing pet costumes. I'd have included some pictures of pets other than cats and dogs, but it seems there's not much of a market for costumes for your ferret, sea monkeys, or red-bellied chinchilla. I guess there's not much good in putting a costume on a pet that doesn't leave the house. Although come to think of it, there's not much good that comes from dressing up ANY pets. No, no good. Only evil. Pure, black as pitch, carrying a gun to school, letting the terrorists win EVIL.

-Protoclown
 


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