1) Shaved Monkey down
5) Frankenstein Monsters.
6) Real creaky doors.
7) Real creaky steps.
8) Rattling chains.
9) Distant Moaning.
10) Distant moaning brought on by Monkeys down the pants.
11) Homicidal one-eyed Dutchman with Barbeque Forks.
12) The phone rings and you pick it up and it's your Mom, but you
just saw your mom in the kitchen and now she's standing in the door
smiling at you and your mom on the phone goes "Hello?... Honey? Are
you still there?
13) Petrified Pop Corn Balls of unknown age.
15) Substitute Science Teacher with a Hook Hand.
16) Dead body in the basement fridge.
17) Live body in the basement fridge.
18) "That warn't no rice in her mouth! Them wuz maggots! She been
daid 'bout two months!"
19) Albino Rats.
20) Dan Rather.
21) Lets split up and search the house.
22) That last scene in "Carrie" where you think it's all over and
then the hand punches up through the ground and flips you off, and
your like "No, FUCK THAT NOISE, I have HAD it, and you pull up next
to her at the red light and roll down your window and yell "Listen,
Old Lady, maybe YOU don't have that much life left ahead of you, but
I sure as hell do, and it's ONE THING to FRIGGIN' cut me off and a
whole 'NOTHER to FLIP ME THE DAMN BIRD and oh, wait, that wasn't the
end of "Carrie" that was the time I got total road rage at this old
woman and then it turned out she wasn't even the one who cut me off
and gave me the finger, she was just driving a similar car.
23) Reanimating the dead.
24) "The View".
25) Internet Pictures of drunken young celebrity's woman parts.
26) Axe Murderers.
27) Ice pick murderers.
28) Chain saw murderers.
29) Guys who murder you with that little plastic dental floss holder
30) Dan rather French Kiss.
31) THE MONKEY'S PAW!
32) THE MONKEY'S PAW DOWN THE PANTS!
33) Okay, wait, so you were okay with kissing some silent girl who
never moved and had a mouth full of rice?
34) "We traced the call and it's coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!"
35) "We traced the call and it's coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE and
they say you won a prize but really they just want to sell you a
36) Little kids with their eyes rolled up in their heads.
37) Evil Saint Bernards if you're Stephen King during his Drinking
38) The flying monkeys from "The Wizard of Oz" that are just part of
some nice kids movie, but at night you dream of them coming to you
and doing things, terrible things, but you can't tell nobody 'cause
they'll just laugh.
40) Evil Policemen who you think are your friends but then they
unbutton their shirts and they got a HALF-BORN DEMON CHILD A-HANGIN'
41) The way the garbage disposal is always going "C'mon, Johnny, put
your hand in, I won't turn on all of a sudden, I promise."
42) Talking garbage disposals.
43) You're being chased through the city by monsters who look like
normal people except for their glowing green eyes which they cover
with sunglasses, and you jump in a cab, and you're all "Phewsh, I
got away!" and then the driver turns around and he's a SHAVED MONKEY
AND HE JUMPS DOWN YOUR PANTS!
44) Unreasonably thwarted expectations.
45) Dan Rather Love Connection and he's wearing a see through this
46) Big ass spiders.
47) Serial Killers.
48) Serial killers with such a chip on their shoulders they got to
have a gimmick like cutting off your face and making a mask out of
it, as if being a serial killer isn't creepy enough.
49) Rich relatives who make it a condition of their will that you
spend an entire night in a haunted house.
50) Lawyers who help wealthy old bastards write wills with totally
illegal and ridiculous conditions.
51) Eyeball dangling out.
52) Liver dangling out.
53) Pretty much anything that ought to be in dangling out.
54) Middle aged guys with pony tails .
55) Evil Cars if you're Stephen King During his drinking days.
56) Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon Forever Because You're
Dead and this is Hell.
57) Hell. At all. Seriously. Think about it. If there is such a
thing we are all so screwed.
58) Albino shaved monkey with a hook hand down your pants.
59) Your best friend gets struck by lightning and he doesn't die and
first he gets real smart and then he starts developing mind powers
and at first it's so cool, but then he starts getting paranoid and
he can read your mind and he knows your jealous and he's getting
smarter and more powerful all the time and he's starting to think of
the whole human race as bugs, bugs, nothing but insignificant bugs
and then this old lady cuts you off in traffic and like that's not
enough, she flips you the God Damn bird! I mean, what the fuck, they
shouldn't even let people that old have a fucking driver's license
in the first place! I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
60) Rabid weasels with an agenda.
61) When it finally becomes clear that everyone is just humoring you
because they all know some secret thing that you don't. About
62) Being confronted by someone who actually uses the phrase "Sweet
63) Witches. Not new age neo-pagans calling themselves witches; the
real deal broom ridin' kid eatin' kind.
64) Witches. Not the real deal broom ridin' kid eatin' kind; stinky,
lonely, new age neo-pagans calling themselves witches and then
getting all offended 'cause you had the temerity to associate the
word 'Witch' with creepy stuff.
65) Ventriloquist Dummies that take over their hosts but you can't
be sure because they're still telling the same crappy-ass jokes.
66) Butter fingers crack addict surgeons.
67) Possessed dentures.
68) Those stuffed monkeys slamming symbols together staring straight
at you with their goggle eyes and big clenched teeth and whatnot.
69) Elder Gods beyond description which just the site of drives you
MAD, MAD WITH TERROR I TELL YOU and also they got something salady
thing stuck in their teeth, lettuce or spinach maybe.
70) Homicidal insane hillbillies.
71) Doctors without borders without heads.
72) Dan rather playin' that game where you're the hitchhiker he
picks up and it's ass, gas or grass, 'cause no one rides for free.
73) OH THEM SHAVED MONKEYS GOT A SWEET MAMA JAMMA AN' THEY SMACKIN'
THEM SYMBOLS TOGETHER, THEY SMACKIN' 'EM, AN' THEM SYMBOLS GOT SOME
RAZOR SHARP EDGES ALL DOWN IN YOUR PANTS AND WHATNOT!
74) When you're swimming at night by yourself in the pond and it's
over your head and something just barely brushes your toes and you
get all creeped out but then nothing happens and you feel silly but
you think you better go in anyway and you turn towards shore and the
water starts rippling right in front of you and something is coming
up out of the water and it's Dan Rather.
75) I mentioned Dan Rather, right?
76) Oh, God, this isn't a quaint New England Village, it's a VAMPIRE
77) Oh, God, This isn't a border town biker bar, it's a VAMPIRE
78) Oh, God, this isn't Halloween Party, it's a VAMPIRE NEST!
79) Oh, God, this isn't a delicious bowl of Frosted Flakes, it's a
80) Okay, I can't get over that when you kissed her and her mouth
was full of rice, that wasn't a deal breaker for you.
81) The earwig was a female... AND SHE LAID EGGS!!!
82) Not number 81 if you've never seen that episode of "Night
Gallery" because if you haven't, number 81 is pointless, but if you
HAVE, oh, boy, brrrrrrrrr!
83) The Prince of Darkness.
84) The Prince of Tides.
85) Really pretty much any movie with Barbara Streisand in it,
especially Yentl. Brrrrrrrrr!
86) When you bury your cat in the pet cemetery and it comes back to
life but it's not YOUR CAT ANYMORE, IT'S DAN RATHER AND HE'S ALL
KISSY KISSY LOVEY LOVEY AND JUST A LITTLE BIT mad you didn't want to
do it in the pond, GOD, what the hell is WRONG with that guy?
87) Sittin' on the crapper in the middle of the night and that fear
from childhood comes back that something in there is gonna swim up
and bite your ass. Oh, sure, I phoned that one in, but next time you
gotta use the John, you're gonna THINK about it, Chucko!
88) Okay, see, the thing is? She TOTALLY cut me off, and THEN,
right, THEN she flips me the bird! And she's like friggin' eighty
years old! And then, she pulls her own head off! Okay, I made that
last part up so I could put it in the list, but still, Jesus!
93) Head cheese.
94) Possessed evil killer dry cleaning equipment if you're Stephen
King During his drinking days. Think I'm kidding? Look it up,
95) Okay, the flying monkeys from the "Wizard of Oz"? SHAVE 'em. And
put 'em down your pants. See if that don't scare you.
96) And give 'em symbols to smack together and whatnot.
97) An have them singin' "Camp Town Races". In four part harmony.
Accompanied by symbols. With razor sharp edges. While they're down
98) An they got an evil clown with 'em, drunk as bejesus, a-playin a
honkey tonk piano, a-wailin' away on them ivories like there's no
tomorra' down your pants!
99) An in strolls a lanky ol' gent with his face half hidden by a
spiffy fedora, a' walkin' a' rabid, snarlin', three headed dog on a
leash, an he says "The drinks are on me boys!" and the clown and the
shaved winged monkeys all liquor up good, an' their fingers is like
claws, and their claws is like knives down there in your pants and
the Lanky ol' gent tips his head back...
100) AND IT'S DAN
RATHER! WITH A LOTTA LIP STICK ON! AN EYE SHADOW AND MASCARA! AND
HIS EYES ROLL BACK IN HIS HEAD AND HE SAYS
"A-BOOGILLY-BOOGILLY-BOOGILLY-BOOO!" ...Down your pants ...and
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