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The Creepy 100 List!

1) Shaved Monkey down the pants.

2) Vampires.

3) Werewolves.

4) Zombies.

5) Frankenstein Monsters.

6) Real creaky doors.

7) Real creaky steps.

8) Rattling chains.

9) Distant Moaning.

10) Distant moaning brought on by Monkeys down the pants.

11) Homicidal one-eyed Dutchman with Barbeque Forks.

12) The phone rings and you pick it up and it's your Mom, but you just saw your mom in the kitchen and now she's standing in the door smiling at you and your mom on the phone goes "Hello?... Honey? Are you still there?

13) Petrified Pop Corn Balls of unknown age.

14) Ghosts.

15) Substitute Science Teacher with a Hook Hand.

16) Dead body in the basement fridge.

17) Live body in the basement fridge.

18) "That warn't no rice in her mouth! Them wuz maggots! She been daid 'bout two months!"

19) Albino Rats.

20) Dan Rather.

21) Lets split up and search the house.

22) That last scene in "Carrie" where you think it's all over and then the hand punches up through the ground and flips you off, and your like "No, FUCK THAT NOISE, I have HAD it, and you pull up next to her at the red light and roll down your window and yell "Listen, Old Lady, maybe YOU don't have that much life left ahead of you, but I sure as hell do, and it's ONE THING to FRIGGIN' cut me off and a whole 'NOTHER to FLIP ME THE DAMN BIRD and oh, wait, that wasn't the end of "Carrie" that was the time I got total road rage at this old woman and then it turned out she wasn't even the one who cut me off and gave me the finger, she was just driving a similar car.

23) Reanimating the dead.

24) "The View".

25) Internet Pictures of drunken young celebrity's woman parts.

26) Axe Murderers.

27) Ice pick murderers.

28) Chain saw murderers.

29) Guys who murder you with that little plastic dental floss holder thingy.

30) Dan rather French Kiss.

31) THE MONKEY'S PAW!

32) THE MONKEY'S PAW DOWN THE PANTS!

33) Okay, wait, so you were okay with kissing some silent girl who never moved and had a mouth full of rice?

34) "We traced the call and it's coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!"

35) "We traced the call and it's coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE and they say you won a prize but really they just want to sell you a time share."

36) Little kids with their eyes rolled up in their heads.

37) Evil Saint Bernards if you're Stephen King during his Drinking Days.

38) The flying monkeys from "The Wizard of Oz" that are just part of some nice kids movie, but at night you dream of them coming to you and doing things, terrible things, but you can't tell nobody 'cause they'll just laugh.

39) Clowns.

40) Evil Policemen who you think are your friends but then they unbutton their shirts and they got a HALF-BORN DEMON CHILD A-HANGIN' OUT!

41) The way the garbage disposal is always going "C'mon, Johnny, put your hand in, I won't turn on all of a sudden, I promise."

42) Talking garbage disposals.

43) You're being chased through the city by monsters who look like normal people except for their glowing green eyes which they cover with sunglasses, and you jump in a cab, and you're all "Phewsh, I got away!" and then the driver turns around and he's a SHAVED MONKEY AND HE JUMPS DOWN YOUR PANTS!

44) Unreasonably thwarted expectations.

45) Dan Rather Love Connection and he's wearing a see through this nightie deal.

46) Big ass spiders.

47) Serial Killers.

48) Serial killers with such a chip on their shoulders they got to have a gimmick like cutting off your face and making a mask out of it, as if being a serial killer isn't creepy enough.

49) Rich relatives who make it a condition of their will that you spend an entire night in a haunted house.

50) Lawyers who help wealthy old bastards write wills with totally illegal and ridiculous conditions.

51) Eyeball dangling out.

52) Liver dangling out.

53) Pretty much anything that ought to be in dangling out.

54) Middle aged guys with pony tails .

55) Evil Cars if you're Stephen King During his drinking days.

56) Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon Forever Because You're Dead and this is Hell.

57) Hell. At all. Seriously. Think about it. If there is such a thing we are all so screwed.

58) Albino shaved monkey with a hook hand down your pants.

59) Your best friend gets struck by lightning and he doesn't die and first he gets real smart and then he starts developing mind powers and at first it's so cool, but then he starts getting paranoid and he can read your mind and he knows your jealous and he's getting smarter and more powerful all the time and he's starting to think of the whole human race as bugs, bugs, nothing but insignificant bugs and then this old lady cuts you off in traffic and like that's not enough, she flips you the God Damn bird! I mean, what the fuck, they shouldn't even let people that old have a fucking driver's license in the first place! I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

60) Rabid weasels with an agenda.

61) When it finally becomes clear that everyone is just humoring you because they all know some secret thing that you don't. About monkeys.

62) Being confronted by someone who actually uses the phrase "Sweet Mamma Jamma!"

63) Witches. Not new age neo-pagans calling themselves witches; the real deal broom ridin' kid eatin' kind.

64) Witches. Not the real deal broom ridin' kid eatin' kind; stinky, lonely, new age neo-pagans calling themselves witches and then getting all offended 'cause you had the temerity to associate the word 'Witch' with creepy stuff.

65) Ventriloquist Dummies that take over their hosts but you can't be sure because they're still telling the same crappy-ass jokes.

66) Butter fingers crack addict surgeons.

67) Possessed dentures.

68) Those stuffed monkeys slamming symbols together staring straight at you with their goggle eyes and big clenched teeth and whatnot.

69) Elder Gods beyond description which just the site of drives you MAD, MAD WITH TERROR I TELL YOU and also they got something salady thing stuck in their teeth, lettuce or spinach maybe.

70) Homicidal insane hillbillies.

71) Doctors without borders without heads.

72) Dan rather playin' that game where you're the hitchhiker he picks up and it's ass, gas or grass, 'cause no one rides for free.

73) OH THEM SHAVED MONKEYS GOT A SWEET MAMA JAMMA AN' THEY SMACKIN' THEM SYMBOLS TOGETHER, THEY SMACKIN' 'EM, AN' THEM SYMBOLS GOT SOME RAZOR SHARP EDGES ALL DOWN IN YOUR PANTS AND WHATNOT!

74) When you're swimming at night by yourself in the pond and it's over your head and something just barely brushes your toes and you get all creeped out but then nothing happens and you feel silly but you think you better go in anyway and you turn towards shore and the water starts rippling right in front of you and something is coming up out of the water and it's Dan Rather.

75) I mentioned Dan Rather, right?

76) Oh, God, this isn't a quaint New England Village, it's a VAMPIRE NEST!

77) Oh, God, This isn't a border town biker bar, it's a VAMPIRE NEST!

78) Oh, God, this isn't Halloween Party, it's a VAMPIRE NEST!

79) Oh, God, this isn't a delicious bowl of Frosted Flakes, it's a VAMPIRE NEST!

80) Okay, I can't get over that when you kissed her and her mouth was full of rice, that wasn't a deal breaker for you.

81) The earwig was a female... AND SHE LAID EGGS!!!

82) Not number 81 if you've never seen that episode of "Night Gallery" because if you haven't, number 81 is pointless, but if you HAVE, oh, boy, brrrrrrrrr!

83) The Prince of Darkness.

84) The Prince of Tides.

85) Really pretty much any movie with Barbara Streisand in it, especially Yentl. Brrrrrrrrr!

86) When you bury your cat in the pet cemetery and it comes back to life but it's not YOUR CAT ANYMORE, IT'S DAN RATHER AND HE'S ALL KISSY KISSY LOVEY LOVEY AND JUST A LITTLE BIT mad you didn't want to do it in the pond, GOD, what the hell is WRONG with that guy?

87) Sittin' on the crapper in the middle of the night and that fear from childhood comes back that something in there is gonna swim up and bite your ass. Oh, sure, I phoned that one in, but next time you gotta use the John, you're gonna THINK about it, Chucko!

88) Okay, see, the thing is? She TOTALLY cut me off, and THEN, right, THEN she flips me the bird! And she's like friggin' eighty years old! And then, she pulls her own head off! Okay, I made that last part up so I could put it in the list, but still, Jesus!

89) Goblins.

90) Trolls.

91) Slavs.

92) Armenians.

93) Head cheese.

94) Possessed evil killer dry cleaning equipment if you're Stephen King During his drinking days. Think I'm kidding? Look it up, Chucko.

95) Okay, the flying monkeys from the "Wizard of Oz"? SHAVE 'em. And put 'em down your pants. See if that don't scare you.

96) And give 'em symbols to smack together and whatnot.

97) An have them singin' "Camp Town Races". In four part harmony. Accompanied by symbols. With razor sharp edges. While they're down your pants.

98) An they got an evil clown with 'em, drunk as bejesus, a-playin a honkey tonk piano, a-wailin' away on them ivories like there's no tomorra' down your pants!

99) An in strolls a lanky ol' gent with his face half hidden by a spiffy fedora, a' walkin' a' rabid, snarlin', three headed dog on a leash, an he says "The drinks are on me boys!" and the clown and the shaved winged monkeys all liquor up good, an' their fingers is like claws, and their claws is like knives down there in your pants and the Lanky ol' gent tips his head back...

100) AND IT'S DAN RATHER! WITH A LOTTA LIP STICK ON! AN EYE SHADOW AND MASCARA! AND HIS EYES ROLL BACK IN HIS HEAD AND HE SAYS "A-BOOGILLY-BOOGILLY-BOOGILLY-BOOO!" ...Down your pants ...and whatnot.

-Max Burbank

The Creepy 100 List!
 


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