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I know what you're
thinking; what the hell do dinosaurs have to do with Halloween?
Normally, I'd say not much. You don't see too many people running around
in dinosaur costumes, you don't see Dracula fighting a Tyrannosaurus
Rex (though that would make one hell of a good movie) and you
don't normally see dinosaurs at pumpkin patches. Well except for the
prehistoric pumpkin patch that Count Pop visited a few years
back... go figure.
Well there's something
involving dinosaurs that I think fits right in with the spirit of
Halloween. I associate Halloween with horror. I associate Halloween
with gore. Where am I going with all this? Topps once released a
set of trading cards back in 1988 called "Dinosaurs Attack!"
which depicted dinosaurs attacking people in all kinds of horrific,
extremely gory scenarios. Frankly, I was amazed that Topps had the
balls to release a set like this. After all, 9 times outta 10, kids
would be the ones buying these things, not adults. Sure, they had
Garbage Pail Kids and other similar series, but none of them
seem to hold up to the same level of utter disregard for human life
that the Dinosaurs Attack! cards so proudly put on display.
So the basic premise
behind the cards is that they tell a story about dinosaurs being
accidentally warped into modern times when a scientific experiment
goes horribly wrong. The dinosaurs then wreak havoc upon the world,
killing everybody in sight in some of the most bizarre and blood-splatteringly
brutal ways
you could imagine. The set has often been compared to the classic
Mars Attacks trading cards from back in 1962, but I still say
Dinosaurs Attack! has a far more unconventional and graphic storyline.
With that in mind, I'd
like to take you on a little tour of some of my favorite cards from
the set just so you can see how truly "out there" it was. Again,
keep in mind that kids would be the ones collecting these
things! Let's start off with this one:
Two Stegosauruses make
their way into a police precinct and maul a bunch of the officers.
From the back of the card, "One swipe of a giant spiked tail tore
a patrolman's face to shreds, sending an eyeball flying and leaving
his skull half-exposed. Howling like a crazed animal in torment, he
wandered about for a few moments before one of the creatures
trampled him to death. The walls of the station house were literally
dripping with human organs and splattered blood, and what was once a
proud symbol of power and security became a showroom of horror."
And you were wondering why I thought this set was appropriate for
the Halloween season? I rest my case.
Barney the dog gets
squashed under the foot of a giant dinosaur while his youthful owner
covers her eyes in terror. Killing a little girl's puppy? Nothing
was taboo with these trading cards, and that's why I love 'em so
much.
Aside from the bride
and groom being impaled on the dino's horns, what I love about this
card is that the back of it was made out to look like a wedding
invitation and it's splattered with blood. 'Til death do we part.
Here's the back of one
of the cards. Some herbivorous dinosaurs attacked this band at their
rock concert, mistaking their glam rock hair for the vegetation they
used to feed on back in prehistoric times. Another fantastic thing
about this series is that it's one of the rare trading card sets where, quite
often, the back of the cards were more entertaining than the front.
Another taboo they had
no problem ignoring was depicting children being devoured by two
Parasaurolophuses as their guts spilled out all over the place. If
only all field trips were that exciting.
As if having your
building set on fire by dinosaurs isn't bad enough, these unlucky
Londoners jumped from their burning homes only to land directly on
the spikes of a Polacanthus that was passing by. So not only were
they on fire, they were impaled on top of it all. Good times!
Another card back,
this time it tells the tale of some hunters who were startled by a
giant Duckbill dinosaur which capsized their boat and caused one of
the hunters to accidentally shoot one of his pals. Even the
generally harmless dinosaurs find a way to kill humans in this card
series. Brilliant.
So not only did
they work alien beings known as "Saurians" into the story, but they
also managed to create some kind of ultimate evil that wants
the dinosaurs to conquer the world. I'm sure you can guess what that
ultimate evil is, but if not, don't worry, we'll get to it in a
bit...
About halfway through
the story, mankind begins to fight back against the dinosaurs. One
of the greatest examples of this is a little girl who picks up a
bazooka from a soldier who was just killed and uses it to blast a
hole through a big Ceratosaurus. The back of the card also states, "Splattered
with the dinosaur's blood, Melissa smiled triumphantly, then gave
her little brother an enthusiastic 'thumbs up'." Kids... gotta
love 'em.
Here's another great
"fighting back" card. Looks like those weird old ladies who own
hundreds of cats pack a lot of heat. Another amusing thing from this
particular card is that it says that the gunshot to the dinosaur "sparked
a chain reaction which caused it to discharge electrical bolts and
eventually self-destruct." SCIENCE!
What can I say, I just
like this card because it features the dinosaurs, a lion, a gorilla
and a guy squashed underneath it all while puking up blood. If they could've somehow worked a shark into the picture,
it would've been perfect.
Dinosaurs attacking
all the nerds at the Comic-Con? Priceless. I love how, even though
people are being killed around him, the one nerd is running away
with his comics still in hand because they're really THAT
important to him.
A few
Pachycephalosaurs tear apart and crush some people at a picnic in
one of the gorier cards.
One of the more absurd
(and inaccurate) cards from the set. Sorry pal, but if you can't fend
off some Trilobites, you probably deserve to die. That's like being
killed by Tribbles.
I love how, even
though the world is under attack with people being killed left 'n
right, the entertainment industry still sticks with its "the show
must go on!" credo. The guy on the right there doesn't even say
anything, he's just too shocked for words. Never thought hear about a
bunch of wrestlers in a ring taking on a dinosaur. Nope, never
thought I'd hear about that...
This beast
materialized in the same space that Larry was standing in, and thus
his atoms became fused with it. SCIENCE! Larry's best friend,
Sam, was nice enough to put Larry out of his misery by shooting him
in the chest because that's what friends are for.
Oh no! Now who's gonna
report the news to us now? Kudos to these two for really getting
into it. You can tell some of the people they photographed for the
cards didn't really wanna do it, but not these two guys. They were
ALL about being a part of the Dinosaur Attack! trading cards
set.
And here he is. Satan.
Or perhaps a Satanosaurus? Whatever it is, this is the being that
has been overseeing the dinosaurs' destruction of the world. It's
just grabbed Dr. Elias Thorne in hopes of stopping him from sending
the dinosaurs back to where they came from. But the doctor tells his
wife, Helen, in the lab to finish the job because he's already dead
anyway as his flesh blisters and smokes in the hands of the
Satanosaurus. And so, Dr. Elias Thorne makes the ultimate sacrifice
to save mankind...
Goddamn, that's about
as grim as you can get. And these were cards they were selling to
kids! TO KIDS! Yeah, we really had it made in the 80's.
Well, I suppose that
was really about as much of a happy note as they could end the story
on.
Dinosaurs
Attack! is truly one of the greatest non-sports trading card
sets you could ever possibly own, and as a result of it being
inexplicably
uncelebrated by the general public, you can get a full set real
cheap. I got one for 5 bux a while back and you just can't beat a deal like
that, so yourself a favor and pick up a set.
And if you like the
cards as much as I do, you'll probably want to grab the graphic
novel which also includes four nice
bonus
cards that weren't included with the trading card set. It
was supposed to be a 3-part series, but they only produced the one
issue. A damned shame really because it does tell the whole story
with a little more depth than the cards have the room to do and it
features some additional scenes of carnage that you won't want to
miss. Oh and if those bonus cards don't sell you on the comic,
perhaps this image I just scanned in from it will:
Why, why, WHY wasn't this continued as a comic series!?
The comic book was
produced by Eclipse Comics, a company whose intellectual property
rights were bought by Todd McFarlane. While I doubt they have any
plans to release the 2nd and 3rd installments of this comic book, it
can't hurt to try giving them a nudge in the right direction.
Contact McFarlane's Publishing Department at
this address and let them know you want to see a re-release
of the original Dinosaurs Attack! comic book from Eclipse
Comics! Furthermore, tell them you want to see issues 2 and 3
released to complete the story.
Alrighty, that's all
for Dinosaurs Attack!, but before I go...
I'd like to take
this opportunity to thank Bob Heffner for generously donating
the pictures of the Dinosaurs Attack! trading cards that he
took the time to scan in. If you would like to see the rest of the
cards in the set, be sure to check out
his site. It's a great memorial to what I consider to be one
of the most bizarre, gory, artistic and hilarious trading cards sets of
all time.
-RoG-
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
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