So I recently went into the new local Halloween shop, and while these seasonal stores are notorious for being overpriced, they're always fun to look around in. Masks and make-up effects galore, I was definitely in heaven at this place, but one thing really caught my eye...

A Slimy Doorknob Cover! It claimed to fit over just about any doorknob, it was slimy, it was green, and I had to have it. So I shelled out the 3 bux, knowing that it cost about 10 cents to make, and took home my new doorknob cover.

After removing it from the package and wrapping, I noticed that it actually had little drips of slime molded into it. Still, compared to some of the other slimy products to come out this Halloween that I recently handled, the slime-factor for this doorknob seemed quite tame. While this doorknob cover might not have been as slimy as one would prefer, it did have something going for it. It looked just like a big ol'...

No, no, no! Not that Booger! While it would be quite interesting if it looked like Dudley 'Booger' Dawson of "Revenge of the Nerds" fame, that's not what it looks like. It looks like an actual juicy

It fits on your fingers just like a real booger, only it's about 5 times the size of your average nose-goblin. I should note that If your nasal chunks are the same size as this doorknob cover, you should consult a physician immediately. Ok, now that I've filled my "talk about boogers" quotient for 2003, we can move onward. Actually, now that I think about it, this cover also reminds me of something else.

Remember those lil' blobby guys from Altered Beast? They were on the second level of the game and would jump on the head of your near naked character. If these doorknobs were purple and had a set of eyes and teeth, they would look exactly like them. I see you doubt me. Here, allow me to demonstrate...

I chose Fisto because, well, much like the men of Altered Beast, I've always questioned his sexuality. Besides, he's the spitting image of those semi-nude guys anyway... minus the beard and the iron fisting device. Anyway, as you can see, the doorknob fits snugly upon his noggin, thus proving my point that this item does indeed resemble the lil' blobby guys from Altered Beast.

"Damnit Roger! Enough about what it looks like! We want to see how the thing works on a friggin' doorknob! Put your action figures away and get with the program!" Sheesh, who pissed in your Boo Berry cereal this morning? Fine...

After stretching it out a bit, I was able to wrap it around my doorknob. Now my doorknobs are pretty average in size, so I dunno why it was such a struggle to get the thing to stay on. My front doorknob had more sharp edges which made it easier for the cover to cling onto. In all honesty though, this thing sticks out like a sore thumb. You'd have to be in a pretty big friggin' hurry to fall for this gag. Which brings me to the next warning...

Personally, I think that would be the perfect time to use it. If you're running away from a fire, you'd probably be far too scared of burning alive to bother looking at the doorknob. But yeah, I suppose you shouldn't try this Halloween prank on someone if it's going to require them to risk their life. Believe me, I know this from experience.

Later in the evening, I was cooking up yet another beefy meal when all of a sudden a grease fire broke out. Hey, nobody told me that I was supposed to use the Pam cooking spray in the pan rather than under it!

In a desperate panic, I darted towards the nearest fire exit. I knew it was a fire exit because of the professionally drawn "Fire Exit" sign that was hanging from the door. It obviously wasn't one of those "fake signs quickly drawn with a marker for use on I-Mockery." Nope, this was the genuine article.

Much to my chagrin, some bastard had ignored the caution and put the slimy doorknob cover on the fire exit doorknob! Baffled by the goopy green object now resting in my hand, I hadn't even noticed that I was on fire. I suffered 3rd degree burns over 90% of my body and my place burned down. Maybe now all of you ungrateful bastards will realize just how dedicated I am to posting new articles up on this site for you. Nor rain, nor sleet, nor life-threatening burns will keep me from bringing slimy new content to you! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my bandages and empty my colostomy bag.

-RoG-