It's pretty hard to think about celebrating Halloween without at least something that is slimy, icky, oozy, goopy, and/or chunky. Being quite the advocate of such nauseating substances, I picked up the latest ones to gush their way into Halloween displays at some of the local shops in my town.

First off is "Oozeified Body Parts" - an impressively large vessel for something that normally comes in a little plastic bubble for 25 cents at the grocery store. It comes in a nice variety of colors, and I chose to go with the turquoise. After all, if I was gonna be subjected to all of this slimy nastiness, I figured that I should at least be able to enjoy the color of it.

Upon opening the jug, I took a whiff of the ooze and it brought back all those memories of the 60's. Then I remembered that I wasn't alive in the 60's, so I thought it best not to inhale the ooze from that point on. As you can see from the photo, the product lived up to its name. There were some lovely pale white body parts in there that were just begging for attention.

Rather than dig my oversized hands around in the jar in a pathetic attempt to extract said parts, I decided to pour it into one of our nice Halloween bowls. Hey, I have to eat Boo Berry cereal out of that thing damnit, so you had better appreciate my doing this just to amuse you.

I told you it was an impressive amount of ooze. In mere seconds, it covered up the entire bottom of the bowl. I have to admit that I had far too much fun slushing it around and making the body parts surf on gargantuan slime tsunamis.

So it was time to inspect the body parts. They weren't all that gross to touch. Felt like all the other "sticky" toys that you can buy in stores these days. Hell, I put the sticky body part eyes on my face, so it couldn't be all that bad... and my optometrist says I'll regain partial vision in a few months.

The ear and thumb parts weren't very disgusting either, though it was fun to pick out some of the turquoise ooze out of the ear. Still, that's not enough to gross me out. I pick out a turquoise ooze from my own ears all the time.

Wondering what to do with this stuff next, I noticed that the top of the jar presented me with an interesting challenge.

That's right... an arrogant, humpbacked, drooling old man was DARING me to feel the ooze. Oh you wanna go old man? It's on!

I touched the ooze. I caressed the ooze. I stroked the ooze. I felt the ooze. I even read a few love poems to the ooze. But I did something that even you wouldn't do, mr. hunchback man!

I PUT THE OOZE IN MY FRIGGIN' MOUTH!

I dare YOU, you cocky hunchbacked, drooling old man to do that with the ooze! I triple-dog-dare you! HA HA! Yeah, that's what I thought. You're all talk old man... ALL TALK!

Having defeated the old hunchback of Notre Ooze, I moved on to my next piece of muculent merchandise. It may come in a smaller container, but with a name like "Maggots in Muddy Slime" how the hell could you possibly go wrong?

This stuff looked surprisingly real considering it only cost me 50 cents. Actually, I'm pretty sure I could've gotten them to pay me to take the stuff off their hands, because the clerk didn't even want to touch the container when she rang me up. With all those cute lil' maggots in there, I can't imagine why not.

Just to make sure that my next breakfast meal would be completely tainted by traces of various goopy toxins, I dumped the container of maggots 'n muddy slime into my bowl.

Well, they didn't take up nearly as much space as the Oozeified Body Parts, but considering it was 1/3 of the price, I didn't really mind. And just look at those maggots!

They're just too damned cute. I guess that's why I bought 4 bottles of the stuff. It's a good thing I did too, because a certain friend of mine was pretty hungry.

My long-time Boglin companion, Snish the Fish, just happens to live on a strict diet of maggots and muddy slime! He was more than excited when he saw that I had brought him a snack. And while I'm sure you'd all like to see me put them in my mouth, I was already full from my Oozeified Body Parts meal.

Awww shucks. I <3 you too Snish. I <3 you too.

-RoG-