It's pretty hard to
think about celebrating Halloween without at least something that is
slimy, icky, oozy, goopy, and/or chunky. Being quite the advocate of
such nauseating substances, I picked up the latest ones to gush
their way into Halloween displays at some of the local shops in my
First off is "Oozeified
Body Parts" - an impressively large vessel for something that
normally comes in a little plastic bubble for 25 cents at the
grocery store. It comes in a nice variety of colors, and I chose to
go with the turquoise. After all, if I was gonna be subjected to all
of this slimy nastiness, I figured that I should at least be able to
enjoy the color of it.
Upon opening the jug,
I took a whiff of the ooze and it brought back all those memories of
the 60's. Then I remembered that I wasn't alive in the 60's, so I
thought it best not to inhale the ooze from that point on. As you
can see from the photo, the product lived up to its name. There were
some lovely pale white body parts in there that were just begging
Rather than dig my
oversized hands around in the jar in a pathetic attempt to extract
said parts, I decided to pour it into one of our nice Halloween
bowls. Hey, I have to eat
Boo Berry cereal out of that thing damnit, so you had better
appreciate my doing this just to amuse you.
I told you it was an
impressive amount of ooze. In mere seconds, it covered up the entire
bottom of the bowl. I have to admit that I had far too much fun
slushing it around and making the body parts surf on gargantuan
So it was time to
inspect the body parts. They weren't all that gross to touch. Felt
like all the other "sticky" toys that you can buy in stores these
days. Hell, I put the sticky body part eyes on my face, so it
couldn't be all that bad... and my optometrist says I'll regain
partial vision in a few months.
The ear and thumb
parts weren't very disgusting either, though it was fun to pick out
some of the turquoise ooze out of the ear. Still, that's not enough
to gross me out. I pick out a turquoise ooze from my own ears all
Wondering what to do
with this stuff next, I noticed that the top of the jar presented me
with an interesting challenge.
That's right... an
arrogant, humpbacked, drooling old man was DARING me to feel
the ooze. Oh you wanna go old man? It's on!
I touched the ooze. I
caressed the ooze. I stroked the ooze. I felt the ooze. I even read
a few love poems to the ooze. But I did something that even you
wouldn't do, mr. hunchback man!
PUT THE OOZE IN MY FRIGGIN' MOUTH!
I dare YOU, you cocky
hunchbacked, drooling old man to do that with the ooze! I
triple-dog-dare you! HA HA! Yeah, that's what I thought. You're all
talk old man... ALL TALK!
Having defeated the
old hunchback of Notre Ooze, I moved on to my next piece of muculent
merchandise. It may come in a smaller container, but with a name
like "Maggots in Muddy Slime" how the hell could you possibly
This stuff looked
surprisingly real considering it only cost me 50 cents. Actually,
I'm pretty sure I could've gotten them to pay me to take the stuff
off their hands, because the clerk didn't even want to touch the
container when she rang me up. With all those cute lil' maggots in
there, I can't imagine why not.
Just to make sure that
my next breakfast meal would be completely tainted by traces of
various goopy toxins, I dumped the container of maggots 'n muddy
slime into my bowl.
Well, they didn't take
up nearly as much space as the Oozeified Body Parts, but considering
it was 1/3 of the price, I didn't really mind. And just look at
They're just too
damned cute. I guess that's why I bought 4 bottles of the stuff.
It's a good thing I did too, because a certain friend of mine was
My long-time Boglin
companion, Snish the Fish, just happens to live on a strict diet of
maggots and muddy slime! He was more than excited when he saw that I
had brought him a snack. And while I'm sure you'd all like to see me
put them in my mouth, I was already full from my Oozeified Body
Awww shucks. I <3 you
too Snish. I <3 you too.
SUGGEST THIS TO A FRIEND!