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What A Magnificent Maggot!

There's no way around it; motorized animatronics are a dime a dozen come Halloween season. You can't walk down an aisle in a store without setting of some kind of motion-sensing spookbot that's programmed to either sing some annoying song or shout things at you like "Happy Halloween!", "Gimme all your candy!", "Muahahahaha!" and "I'm a cheap piece of crap that will make your life a living hell when you purchase me for your kids because they'll have me turned on 24/7 and sleep will become a distant memory of the peace you once had!"

Ok, that last one was made up, but if somebody ever actually had the balls to sell a toy that said such a thing, I'd be the first one in line to buy it. Still, the main thing I'm trying to say is that most of these kind of novelties aren't worth buying simply because they won't get much use or they will drive you batty after time. Yes, every now 'n then there are some gems out there such as the impeccable Crawling Brain from last year, but good ones like that are a rare find.

Anyway, I was perusing all of the usual goodies in Target's seasonal Halloween section when I stumbled onto what must be one of the greatest and most random Hallo-bots I've seen so far.

Behold the Magnificent Maggot! Perched next to a bunch of typical talking skulls, vampires and other Halloween icons, you can see why this thing really stands out. 

Apparently the Magnificent Maggot is part of the Doctor Shiver's Carnival of Terror product line, which until now, I had never heard of before and it looks like Target just bought the rights to it. Considering it's a maggot, they sure do have some nice things to say about it, don't they?

"The Doctor's STAR maggot."

"Hey... he's gorgeous... and HE KNOWS IT."

Very flattering words for a creature that lives off of eating dead flesh. But what about that stuff about him singing? I looked him up online and according to a UK retailer, "The Magnificent Maggot Musical Toy is a sound-activated all-singing, all-wriggling, light up musical toy which moves along the floor whilst singing the song 'Born to be alive' in a crazy warped voice - his oversized big eye also lights up and the whole of his body flashes!" Apparently he was changed for the Target version, because he does no such thing, and I can't say I'm disappointed at all. Instead, he makes some of the greatest "slooshy gloppy maggoty" sounds you've ever heard. Just imagine somebody with a really bad head cold and then sticking one of those rubber suction tubes from the dentist up their nose to drain out all the snot. If somebody recorded that sound, you'd probably be getting close to the noises this maggot makes. I'm sorry, but I really don't have any other words that can describe 'em... you'll just have to hear 'em for yourself. Don't worry, I'll give you a chance to see him in action in a minute. But first, here's a nice look at him out of the box:

Awww... now who wouldn't want to cuddle up with one of those at night? His big, swollen eye change colors and his body wiggles around and flashes. I mean really, just imagine yourself as a young kid lying in bed at night. Would you want something like Glo Worm to hug or would you want a Magnificent Maggot?

Personally, I think the choice is pretty clear... but hey, that's me.

Still, no words or photos can do this lil' fella enough justice, so as promised, here's a video of him in all of his magnificent maggoty glory!

Click above to watch a video of Magnificent Maggot in action!

Who needs a pet when you can have a Magnificent Maggot? Actually, I probably should get a cat or something. It'd be worth it simply to see how it would react to something like our lil' maggot friend here. I'm guessing those 9 lives wouldn't be quite enough to cover all the heart attacks this thing would induce. I guess that's what makes this little maggot so... magnificent.



You found Scary-Ass Trading Card #4!
*copy this URL down, you'll need it once you've found all 19 cards!*

In 1966, CBS began airing not just the weirdest Soap Opera, but maybe the weirdest TV show ever, "Dark Shadows". The Gothic Soap had a glacially slow start, going a full 70 episodes of hinting at the supernatural before a Ghost and a Witch made brief appearances. Jonathan Frid as Barnabas Collins was only supposed to be around for a few months before getting staked, but he was inexplicably wildly popular and soon became the star. The show ran for about five years, and I think Barnabas actually bit somebody maybe three times. Barnabas was on the cover of Tiger Beat, on lunchboxes, games, comic books, my twelve year old girl cousin slept with a glossy of him under her pillow. Today, no one can explain his appeal. It must have been some pretty serious dark hoo-doo.

Find all 19 Series II "Scary-Ass Trading Cards" this September and October (2007) and you'll not only get a special secret final 20th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the months of September and October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file whenever you find them.

Once you have collected the URLs of all the cards, simply email them to webmaster@i-mockery.com with the subject line "I-Mockery's Scary-Ass Trading Cards!" and you will have the special 20th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more! Remember, the cards MUST say "Series II" on them or they will not be counted.

Do NOT email the actual card graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of all the cards which you can find directly underneath them.


If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Death's Head Terror!