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Your Monster Survival Guide!

Sure, Halloween can be great fun—dressing up in costume, scaring people, extorting people for free candy—but it can also be quite dangerous, because it's the time of year that all of the "ladies of the night" come out and threaten to take all your hard-earned money and spread their ghoulish diseases. No, no, wait—I'm thinking of the weekend. Halloween is the one with all the monsters and shit, right?

Yes, the creatures of the night like to come out on Halloween, and it makes sense if you stop and think about it for a moment. It's the one night they can kick back and relax a bit, knowing they can drop their guard and totally blend into the mundane world without fear of immediate recognition. Also, free candy.

But you don't believe in monsters, right? Oh no. Not you. You believe in little things like "science" and "reality", and the thought of things that go bump in the night is just plain silly, unless you're talking about your neighbor who is totally getting way more than you and has to rub it in your face by being so obnoxiously loud about it—then it's just plain annoying. But see, it's you hard-nosed skeptics I've written this piece specifically for. The "true believers" among you can take five, grab a smoke, and sit this one out, cuz you already know everything I'm about to tell you.

You doubting Thomases and Thomasinas on the other hand had better listen up, and listen good, as I've written this just for you. You're clearly in dire need of information—information that just might save your life. Which is why you totally need to read my "Your Monster Survival Guide", which may sound grammatically awkward, but I assure you, monsters do not care about grammar (except for perhaps the ones that majored in English), and testing has shown a more favorable response when it actually sounds like I wrote something specifically tailored to you. So without further ado, let's get on with it:


Vampires

What They Are: blood sucking creatures of the night; lawyers, threat to your sexuality.

Why They're Dangerous: Ladies, you know that after one look into those dreamy, hypnotic eyes, you're done for. But gents, you're not off the hook either. Anyone who dresses in that kind of snappy, metrosexual style (or wears a cape) obviously swings both ways so they might be coming after you too. I wouldn't if I were a vampire though, because I know that giving a dude neck hickeys is totally gay. Oh, and assuming they don't want to turn you into their vampiric sex bitch, they probably want to drain your blood and kill you.

What You Need to Know About Them: There are a lot of myths about vampires propagated by the movies, and not knowing which ones are real and which ones are not is liable to get you killed. Crosses, garlic, running water, having to invite them into your house: these are all bullshit. While vampires may get slightly upset if you become quite cross with them, they simply dislike the smell of garlic and they can come into your home whenever they like. They're just annoyingly polite about it. The only ways to dispose of them permanently are a steak through the heart (tenderloin), direct sunlight, or a +5 holy avenger.


Werewolves

What They Are: lycanthropic murder machines; carriers of rabies and other diseases; horny.

Why They're Dangerous: In their human-wolf hybrid form, a werewolf is about 800 lbs of clawed muscle and rage, against which an ordinary human doesn't stand a chance. What they also never show you in the movies is how anatomically correct they are. Sure, in film you see a naked hairy werewolf whose tiny "package" just happens to be completely covered by a small tuft of hair. No. I guess the film producers just think that it would be inappropriate or comical to depict werewolves as being well-endowed, but let me tell you, there's nothing more intimidating than noticing what looks like a floppy loaf of French bread dangling between their legs as they pounce toward you.

What You Need to Know About Them: Okay, first of all, werewolves are affected by silver, but all a silver bullet is going to do is give them a mild skin rash. You need at least a shotgun against that kind of freight train of destruction. Werewolves also love "bling" however, so the best way to dispatch them (provided you don't have a shotgun) is to trick them into wearing large amounts of silver jewelry carefully painted to look like something else.


Zombies

What They Are: living dead who feast on human flesh; mindless and hungry; your average living American.

Why They're Dangerous: Zombies are easy enough to avoid in small numbers—you simply walk around them (unless you're talking about the currently popular "fast zombie"—then you're just screwed). What makes them dangerous is their ever increasing numbers. During a true Zompocalypse, every victim they kill will only add to their ranks, eventually making them harder to navigate through than a shopping mall on Black Friday.

What You Need to Know About Them: Once again, a shotgun is your best friend against a zombie horde, but if you play your cards right, you won't even need to use it (on them). Your best bet is to find a safe place to hole up until the zombies run out of food and wander off elsewhere. The cliché of course is that someone in your group of survivors will inevitably freak out and become unreasonable, suggesting that getting out and making a break for it is the only way. During the power struggle that ensues, shoot that fucker with the shotgun. Seriously, don't even waste time arguing with them—I've seen how this thing plays out. Then just sit around and wait for the crazy rednecks with lots of guns to show up.

(editor's note: there's also the "Zombie Survival Guide" book by Max Brooks too... and you probably should get it because it just might save your life one day)


Ghosts

What They Are: incorporeal dead trapped between realms; downright spooky; useful Terran unit in Starcraft.

Why They're Dangerous: Being insubstantial, there's no way to actually combat a ghost if it decides it doesn't like you. However, this means that their ability to physically attack you is limited as well, so they're more likely to opt for scare tactics in hopes to drive you away or give you a heart attack.

What You Need to Know About Them: Assuming you don't have a proton pack like the Ghostbusters wear, it's useful to know that most ghosts are still around because they want something, and that usually involves unsettled business in the form of revenge or setting things right with how their corpse was somehow defiled. You could take it upon yourself to help them and allow them to cross over to the next realm (which could be really time consuming and potentially dangerous), or if you have a really powerful fan you can just disperse them. Probably.


Mummies

What They Are: preserved Egyptians of importance; ancient and powerful; butt of ass-wiping jokes.

Why They're Dangerous: Provided you're not in Egypt, they're really not very dangerous. However, in the unlikely event that you just so happen to be a tomb raider or archaeologist, you might want to beware.

What You Need to Know About Them: As long as you don't steal anything of theirs, you're probably okay. If you did happen to lift any of their possessions from their tomb, then the curse you're going to have to deal with is far more dangerous than the mummy themselves. If you do have to encounter one, try to find an end to the wraps and give a good strong tug—it should cause the mummy to spin like a top and become disoriented, not to mention horribly embarrassed when it realizes it's completely nude. Also, they may possess all kinds of arcane and ancient wisdom, but the modern world is really going to throw them for a loop. Crossing a busy street is probably going to be too confusing for them.


Demons

What They Are: foul overlords of the infernal abyss; embodiments of pure evil; something your grandma warned you about.

Why They're Dangerous: Uh, because they're pure evil? But unless you've been playing around with a Ouija board, trying to summon them at Wiccan Summer Camp or in some other way enticing them to take notice of you, you probably have nothing to worry about.

What You Need to Know About Them: If you're going to attempt to summon a demon, make sure you draw a protective chalk circle and be certain there are absolutely no gaps in it whatsoever. Once that's done, go ahead and piss yourself, because a chalk drawing on the ground isn't going to do shit to protect you. They'll reach right through and pop your head off like you're a can of Pringles. If you absolutely must face one, holy water and crucifixes will slow them down a little, and poppy dance music has been known to sometimes drive them away.


Witches

What They Are: practitioners of dark and ancient arts; consorts of the Devil; either really hot or really ugly (there really is no in-between).

Why They're Dangerous: Well, they're really not dangerous in and of themselves, because magic isn't real. But it's the fact that they think they can do some supernatural shit that makes them dangerous, because they'll drug you and cut out your kidneys because they think they need them for a spell.

What You Need to Know About Them: Witches are only "monsters" in the same sense that serial killers and ugly people are, which means that guns work on them a lot better than on any of the other creatures on this list. (Note: if one of the young, hot-looking witches is trying to seduce you, it's probably safe to have sex with her before you shoot her).


Aliens

What They Are: extra-terrestrials from beyond the stars; technologically superior; enthusiasts of anal play.

Why They're Dangerous: Physically the "gray" aliens you always hear accounts of aren't threatening at all—I mean just look at those twiggy little arms. It's their advanced technology that makes them dangerous to you, when they hit you with a paralysis ray and beam you up to their ship where they do the probing. Once they've got the jump on you with their sophisticated ray guns, you're pretty much powerless to stop them from "experimenting" on you.

What You Need to Know About Them: If you want any chance at all against these guys, you need to level the playing field a bit, and make sure their technology is unable to affect you. The best way to do this is to craft a tin foil helmet and wear it while you sleep. If you really feel unsafe you can wear the foil hat at all times. Also, if you feel threatened, you might want to move off the farm and head into the city, as they never seem to bother with populated areas.


Swamp Creatures

What They Are: mutated freakish abominations; excellent swimmers; protagonist of comic book and television series.

Why They're Dangerous: Take a crazed inbred redneck, combine that with all the social niceties of a bayou lifestyle, and mix in a dash of toxic waste for good measure. I don't think I need to explain to you why that's a recipe for disaster. Oh sure, some of them are simply misunderstood rather than plain evil, but most are soggy mounds of wet, leafy rage. Do you want to take a chance by waiting around to find out?

What You Need to Know About Them: Well, the easiest way to avoid these guys is to simply stay away from the swamp. I mean, it's not like they really tend to wander far from their territory and make trips into the city for groceries. But provided you do have to go into the swamp for whatever reason... aw hell, I don't actually have any advice against these guys, because I've never encountered one. Just stay away from swamps.


Faeries

What They Are: fickle and dangerously powerful spirits; deceptively harmless in appearance; usually totally gay.

Why They're Dangerous: Faeries can be a problem because they look so innocent and carefree, but they often look at humans as nothing more than toys for their own amusement. They draw you in close with their sparkly charms, play around with you for a while, and then they get bored and totally zap you with their faerie magic, turning you into some kind of animal or something. Yes, I know I said that magic wasn't real before, but faerie magic is different.

What You Need to Know About Them: There are two good approaches to dealing with a faerie: a) either appear so boring right off the bat that they won't even bother with you (which is the category most adults fall into by default), or b) be so over-the-top hyperactive, playful and annoying that they want to avoid you. If that fails, you can always catch them in a butterfly net and smash them with a hammer.

Well, now you're armed and dangerous (to the world of monsters, that is), and ready to deal with any of these potential threats. If you happen to run into a less "mainstream" monster like a chupacabra or a Bigfoot however, you're on your own. Best of luck to ya!

-Protoclown
 


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! YOU FOUND
SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #7!
COLLECT ALL 19 SERIES II CARDS
FOR A SPECIAL 20TH CARD!

You found Scary-Ass Trading Card #7!
i-mockery.com/halloween/cards07/tetsuo-card7.jpg
*copy this URL down, you'll need it once you've found all 19 cards!*

Not to be confused with the scary enough Tetsuo of "Akira", "Tetsuo: The Iron Man" is one of the weirdest Japanese Horror films ever made, which is saying a lot. Perhaps the plot is a little easier to follow if you speak Japanese, but probably not since there's precious little dialogue. Making extensive use of herky-jerky stop motion animation, the movie tells the tale of a metal fetishist who derives kinky thrills from inserting bits of shrapnel under his skin, and a man he accidentally runs over. Both become infected by a metal virus that slowly covers their bodies in heaps of mangled scrap metal. In one memorable segment, Tetsuo is horrified to find his... ahem... transformed into a power drill with a will of it's own. NOT for the squeamish!

Find all 19 Series II "Scary-Ass Trading Cards" this September and October (2007) and you'll not only get a special secret final 20th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the months of September and October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file whenever you find them.

Once you have collected the URLs of all the cards, simply email them to webmaster@i-mockery.com with the subject line "I-Mockery's Scary-Ass Trading Cards!" and you will have the special 20th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more! Remember, the cards MUST say "Series II" on them or they will not be counted.

Do NOT email the actual card graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of all the cards which you can find directly underneath them.

 

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:


Vampires, Vampires, Vampires!


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