Sure, Halloween can be
great fun—dressing up in costume, scaring people, extorting people
for free candy—but it can also be quite dangerous, because it's the
time of year that all of the "ladies of the night" come out and
threaten to take all your hard-earned money and spread their
ghoulish diseases. No, no, wait—I'm thinking of the weekend.
Halloween is the one with all the monsters and shit, right?
Yes, the creatures of the night like to come out on Halloween, and
it makes sense if you stop and think about it for a moment. It's the
one night they can kick back and relax a bit, knowing they can drop
their guard and totally blend into the mundane world without fear of
immediate recognition. Also, free candy.
But you don't believe in monsters, right? Oh no. Not you. You
believe in little things like "science" and "reality", and the
thought of things that go bump in the night is just plain silly,
unless you're talking about your neighbor who is totally getting way
more than you and has to rub it in your face by being so obnoxiously
loud about it—then it's just plain annoying. But see, it's you
hard-nosed skeptics I've written this piece specifically for. The
"true believers" among you can take five, grab a smoke, and sit this
one out, cuz you already know everything I'm about to tell you.
You doubting Thomases and Thomasinas on the other hand had better
listen up, and listen good, as I've written this just for you.
You're clearly in dire need of information—information that just
might save your life. Which is why you totally need to read my "Your
Monster Survival Guide", which may sound grammatically awkward,
but I assure you, monsters do not care about grammar (except for
perhaps the ones that majored in English), and testing has shown a
more favorable response when it actually sounds like I wrote
something specifically tailored to you. So without further
ado, let's get on with it:
What They Are: blood sucking creatures of the night;
lawyers, threat to your sexuality.
Why They're Dangerous: Ladies, you know that after one look
into those dreamy, hypnotic eyes, you're done for. But gents, you're
not off the hook either. Anyone who dresses in that kind of snappy, metrosexual style (or wears a cape) obviously swings both ways so
they might be coming after you too. I wouldn't if I were a vampire
though, because I know that giving a dude neck hickeys is totally
gay. Oh, and assuming they don't want to turn you into their
vampiric sex bitch, they probably want to drain your blood and kill
What You Need to Know About Them: There are a lot of myths
about vampires propagated by the movies, and not knowing which ones
are real and which ones are not is liable to get you killed.
Crosses, garlic, running water, having to invite them into your
house: these are all bullshit. While vampires may get slightly upset
if you become quite cross with them, they simply dislike the smell
of garlic and they can come into your home whenever they like.
They're just annoyingly polite about it. The only ways to dispose of
them permanently are a steak through the heart (tenderloin), direct
sunlight, or a +5 holy avenger.
What They Are: lycanthropic murder machines; carriers of
rabies and other diseases; horny.
Why They're Dangerous: In their human-wolf hybrid form, a
werewolf is about 800 lbs of clawed muscle and rage, against which
an ordinary human doesn't stand a chance. What they also never show
you in the movies is how anatomically correct they are. Sure, in
film you see a naked hairy werewolf whose tiny "package" just
happens to be completely covered by a small tuft of hair. No. I
guess the film producers just think that it would be inappropriate
or comical to depict werewolves as being well-endowed, but let me
tell you, there's nothing more intimidating than noticing what looks
like a floppy loaf of French bread dangling between their legs as
they pounce toward you.
What You Need to Know About Them: Okay, first of all,
werewolves are affected by silver, but all a silver bullet is
going to do is give them a mild skin rash. You need at least a
shotgun against that kind of freight train of destruction.
Werewolves also love "bling" however, so the best way to dispatch
them (provided you don't have a shotgun) is to trick them into
wearing large amounts of silver jewelry carefully painted to look
like something else.
What They Are: living dead who feast on human flesh; mindless
and hungry; your average living American.
Why They're Dangerous: Zombies are easy enough to avoid in
small numbers—you simply walk around them (unless you're talking
about the currently popular "fast zombie"—then you're just screwed).
What makes them dangerous is their ever increasing numbers. During a
true Zompocalypse, every victim they kill will only add to their
ranks, eventually making them harder to navigate through than a
shopping mall on Black Friday.
What You Need to Know About Them: Once again, a shotgun is
your best friend against a zombie horde, but if you play your cards
right, you won't even need to use it (on them). Your best bet is to
find a safe place to hole up until the zombies run out of food and
wander off elsewhere. The cliché
of course is that someone in your group of survivors will inevitably
freak out and become unreasonable, suggesting that getting out and
making a break for it is the only way. During the power struggle
that ensues, shoot
that fucker with the shotgun. Seriously, don't even waste time
arguing with them—I've seen how this thing plays out. Then just sit
around and wait for the crazy rednecks with lots of guns to show up.
there's also the "Zombie Survival Guide" book by Max Brooks too... and you probably should
get it because it just might save your
life one day)
What They Are: incorporeal dead trapped between realms;
downright spooky; useful Terran unit in Starcraft.
Why They're Dangerous: Being insubstantial, there's no way to
actually combat a ghost if it decides it doesn't like you. However,
this means that their ability to physically attack you is limited as
well, so they're more likely to opt for scare tactics in hopes to
drive you away or give you a heart attack.
What You Need to Know About Them: Assuming you don't have a
proton pack like the Ghostbusters wear, it's useful to know that
most ghosts are still around because they want something, and that
usually involves unsettled business in the form of revenge or
setting things right with how their corpse was somehow defiled. You
could take it upon yourself to help them and allow them to cross
over to the next realm (which could be really time consuming and
potentially dangerous), or if you have a really powerful fan you can
just disperse them. Probably.
What They Are: preserved Egyptians of importance; ancient and
powerful; butt of ass-wiping jokes.
Why They're Dangerous: Provided you're not in Egypt, they're
really not very dangerous. However, in the unlikely event that you
just so happen to be a tomb raider or archaeologist, you might want
What You Need to Know About Them: As long as you don't steal
anything of theirs, you're probably okay. If you did happen to lift
any of their possessions from their tomb, then the curse you're
going to have to deal with is far more dangerous than the mummy
themselves. If you do have to encounter one, try to find an end to
the wraps and give a good strong tug—it should cause the mummy to
spin like a top and become disoriented, not to mention horribly
embarrassed when it realizes it's completely nude. Also, they may
possess all kinds of arcane and ancient wisdom, but the modern world
is really going to throw them for a loop. Crossing a busy street is
probably going to be too confusing for them.
What They Are: foul overlords of the infernal abyss;
embodiments of pure evil; something your grandma warned you about.
Why They're Dangerous: Uh, because they're pure evil? But
unless you've been playing around with a Ouija board, trying to
summon them at Wiccan Summer Camp or in some other way enticing them
to take notice of you, you probably have nothing to worry about.
What You Need to Know About Them: If you're going to attempt
to summon a demon, make sure you draw a protective chalk circle and
be certain there are absolutely no gaps in it whatsoever.
Once that's done, go ahead and piss yourself, because a chalk
drawing on the ground isn't going to do shit to protect you. They'll
reach right through and pop your head off like you're a can of
Pringles. If you absolutely must face one, holy water and
crucifixes will slow them down a little, and poppy dance music has
been known to sometimes drive them away.
What They Are: practitioners of dark and ancient arts;
consorts of the Devil; either really hot or really ugly (there
really is no in-between).
Why They're Dangerous: Well, they're really not dangerous in
and of themselves, because magic isn't real. But it's the fact that
they think they can do some supernatural shit that makes them
dangerous, because they'll drug you and cut out your kidneys because
they think they need them for a spell.
What You Need to Know About Them: Witches are only "monsters"
in the same sense that serial killers and ugly people are, which
means that guns work on them a lot better than on any of the other
creatures on this list. (Note: if one of the young, hot-looking
witches is trying to seduce you, it's probably safe to have sex with
her before you shoot her).
What They Are: extra-terrestrials from beyond the stars;
technologically superior; enthusiasts of anal play.
Why They're Dangerous: Physically the "gray" aliens you
always hear accounts of aren't threatening at all—I mean just look
at those twiggy little arms. It's their advanced technology that
makes them dangerous to you, when they hit you with a paralysis ray
and beam you up to their ship where they do the probing. Once
they've got the jump on you with their sophisticated ray guns,
you're pretty much powerless to stop them from "experimenting" on
What You Need to Know About Them: If you want any chance at
all against these guys, you need to level the playing field a bit,
and make sure their technology is unable to affect you. The best way
to do this is to craft a tin foil helmet and wear it while you
sleep. If you really feel unsafe you can wear the foil hat at all
times. Also, if you feel threatened, you might want to move off the
farm and head into the city, as they never seem to bother with
What They Are: mutated freakish abominations; excellent
swimmers; protagonist of comic book and television series.
Why They're Dangerous: Take a crazed inbred redneck, combine
that with all the social niceties of a bayou lifestyle, and mix in a
dash of toxic waste for good measure. I don't think I need to
explain to you why that's a recipe for disaster. Oh sure, some of
them are simply misunderstood rather than plain evil, but most are
soggy mounds of wet, leafy rage. Do you want to take a chance by
waiting around to find out?
What You Need to Know About Them: Well, the easiest way to
avoid these guys is to simply stay away from the swamp. I mean, it's
not like they really tend to wander far from their territory and
make trips into the city for groceries. But provided you do
have to go into the swamp for whatever reason... aw hell, I don't
actually have any advice against these guys, because I've never
encountered one. Just stay away from swamps.
What They Are: fickle and dangerously powerful spirits;
deceptively harmless in appearance; usually totally gay.
Why They're Dangerous: Faeries can be a problem because they
look so innocent and carefree, but they often look at humans as
nothing more than toys for their own amusement. They draw you in
close with their sparkly charms, play around with you for a while,
and then they get bored and totally zap you with their faerie magic,
turning you into some kind of animal or something. Yes, I know I
said that magic wasn't real before, but faerie magic is different.
What You Need to Know About Them: There are two good
approaches to dealing with a faerie: a) either appear so boring
right off the bat that they won't even bother with you (which is the
category most adults fall into by default), or b) be so over-the-top
hyperactive, playful and annoying that they want to avoid you. If
that fails, you can always catch them in a butterfly net and smash
them with a hammer.
Well, now you're armed and dangerous (to the world of monsters, that
is), and ready to deal with any of these potential threats. If you
happen to run into a less "mainstream" monster like a chupacabra or
a Bigfoot however, you're on your own. Best of luck to ya!
SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #7!
COLLECT ALL 19 SERIES II CARDS
FOR A SPECIAL 20TH CARD!
*copy this URL
down, you'll need it once you've found all 19 cards!*
Not to be confused with
the scary enough Tetsuo of "Akira", "Tetsuo: The Iron Man" is
one of the weirdest Japanese Horror films ever made, which is saying a
lot. Perhaps the plot is a little easier to follow if you speak
Japanese, but probably not since there's precious little dialogue.
Making extensive use of herky-jerky stop motion animation, the movie
tells the tale of a metal fetishist who derives kinky thrills from
inserting bits of shrapnel under his skin, and a man he accidentally
runs over. Both become infected by a metal virus that slowly covers
their bodies in heaps of mangled scrap metal. In one memorable
segment, Tetsuo is horrified to find his... ahem... transformed into a
power drill with a will of it's own. NOT for the squeamish!
Find all 19 Series II "Scary-Ass
Trading Cards" this September and October (2007) and you'll not only get a
special secret final 20th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be
entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will
be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the months of
October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file
whenever you find them.
Once you have
collected the URLs of all the cards, simply email them to
email@example.com with the subject line
"I-Mockery's Scary-Ass Trading Cards!" and you will have the
special 20th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a
Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!
Remember, the cards MUST say "Series II" on them
or they will not be counted.
NOT email the actual card
graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of
all the cards which you can find directly underneath them.
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
Vampires, Vampires, Vampires!