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Mutant Freaks!

Mutant Freaks!!! No, I'm not insulting all of you, I'm simply describing the name of these peculiar monster face modeling kits that I picked up. I actually bought 'em last year around Halloween but just now found them in one of my boxes o' crap and decided it was time to showcase both sets. I was shopping at Target one day and found them in one of those areas of the store that people wouldn't usually visit unless they were lost. You know, one of those back corners past the toy aisles when you've walked beyond all of the merchandise that's actually interesting? Well, these guys had the holy red price tags on them, and if you shop at Target with any regularity, you know that these tags mean the items are on closeout and probably a hell of a deal. And they were. I bought two monster faces and both of the extra parts packs for a whopping total of roughly five bux. Who could pass that up? Not I. Okay, enough talk about when and where I found them, let's get on with showing you just what in the hell Mutant Freaks really are:

What smells fishy?
Fish Face!

Trim that thing, will ya!?
Bearded Beast!

The idea behind these things is fairly simple. They provide you with two facial plates for each monster creature, a bunch of body parts, some blood, snot and then a big hunk o' clay. Your job is simply to take all this crap and mold it onto the face of your creature in whatever way you see fit. Now clearly, they had some people with artistic talent working on the models that appear on the box so I wasn't counting on my monster to come out that good. My plan was simply to rely on all the extra parts I had.

But before we get into that, I have to show a close-up of that kid on the boxes, because we all love to see those overly-excited children who model toys in advertisements. You know, the kids that just make faces that they would never make in real life no matter how cool the toy was. I find their expressions to be hilarious without fail, and the kid on the Mutant Freaks boxes was no exception.

This kid needs to be famous

Flawless. For the Fish Face, the kid appears to be amazed by the fact that he was able to pull it off. "Can you believe I did this? It's so rad!" For the Bearded Beast, he's clearly impressed with just how weird 'n wacky it turned out. "Get a load o' this funky fella! Am I right or what!?" They clearly chose the right kid to go with for the promotion of these things. I'm pretty sure it was his expressions that sold me on the toys. Well, that and the fact that it was only five bucks for the whole shebang.

So many parts, so little time

Ok, so as I said before, due to my lack of sculpting talent, I figured I could at least rely on using the parts that came with my monster creature. But I also got both of the extra parts packs which provide you with all sorts of "gruesome" goodies to stick on your creations. Stuff like spiders, snakes, horns, additional blood 'n snot and more. So yeah, even without any sculpting skills on my part, I was fairly certain that whatever I created would look pretty damned cool simply because of all the crap I would end up sticking onto it.

They await our artistic visions!

So there they are, our empty canvases just waiting to become priceless works of art. Well, they're not exactly empty per se, but they definitely need a lot o' work. It's nice how they provide you with the two layers of facial plates so you can leave some brains 'n flesh exposed if you so desire.

I have to say though, the most impressive thing about these toys is that they literally provide you with no instructions whatsoever. They just give you all the parts, a hunk of clay and some sculpting tools and assume you can figure out the rest. I hate reading instructions for pretty much anything and always like to figure out stuff as I go along. Sure, that kind of behavior has cost me thousands of dollars and the lives of some close friends in the past; but in this case I've only got 5 bux to lose.

Since Re volunteered to handle the sculpting for one of the two monster creatures, I let her have first dibs on whichever one she wanted to work with. She chose Fish Face. DAMNIT! I WANTED THAT ONE! After some intense yelling, our argument ended with a vicious cockpunch and Re had won the battle for Fish Face. Oh but the joke's on you, Re! I didn't really want Fish Face. Sure, he looks cooler, and generally speaking, aquatic monsters have far more interesting features than beasts covered in hair. Well, except for maybe Bionic Bigfoot. But anyway, I really wanted Bearded Beast because he didn't come with clay. He came with a big block of tasty fudge!


Ok it wasn't really fudge. It was clay. But I have to tell myself it was fudge so I can feel better about the fact that I lost the battle for Fish Face because I was cockpunched.

Blue clay is pretty badass.

While I was busy using the sculpting tool to dig the fudge brown clay out from between my teeth, Re began molding her Fish Face creature. The clay was pretty easy to work with but it did leave some residue, so we found that the cardboard boxes that the Mutant Freaks came in made for some pretty good work spaces.

One of these looks better than the other. (hint: it's the one on the left)

This is a shot from the early stages of our development. As you can see, Re actually knew what she was doing, already having given fish face a nice set of eyes and eyelids, whereas I went straight for the "hairy beast with a bad dental plan and an eye patch" look. One of us clearly had much work to do.

As time passed on by, the taste of brown modeling clay faded from my mouth and we had completed our Mutant Freaks! Behold the fruits of our labor!


Re's piece, which she titled "Milk Was A Bad Choice," made Fish Face look like a doofus. I don't even use the word doofus very often, but by god, that's what she did. For chrissakes, she even gave him a bowtie when those things were intended to be used as blood droplets! Clearly an impressive dedication to making Fish Face look completely stupefied. A++ (way to go!)


My piece is called, "The Hairy Cyclops Elephant Cries Snot," for obvious reasons. I'm just proud of the fact that the end result looked as far from a bearded beast or a Wolfman creature as it could possibly get. D- (please see me after class)

It really was fun for both of us messing with these Mutant Freaks and I now wish I had opened them before. There are some other ones such as a Dragon and a Frankenstein look-a-like that I'll have to hunt down so that we can bastardize them in the future too. In the meantime, while our Mutant Freaks have clearly lived up to their names, they can find peace in the fact that they'll always have each other.


Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that I did come up with one alternate design for my Bearded Beast...



If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

The Halloween Peeps Decorating Kit!