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Never Too Old To Trick-or-Treat!

Like Glenn Danzig, I remember Halloween. Only thing is, I don't remember any specific Halloweens growing up. They all kind of blur together. I couldn't tell you what costumes I wore what year or any of that. I think I may have been Darth Vader one year, but it's also possible I may have been C-3PO instead. God, I hope I wasn't C-3PO. I remember wearing plenty of those crappy costumes where the only way anyone could tell who you were supposed to be is because you wore a smock with that character's picture on it (come to think of it, I think characters in the original movies and comics should just dress like that all the time anyway. Then Halloween costumes would look SO much better!), but I don't remember which ones I wore.

I seriously don't remember a single specific costume I wore for Halloween growing up. But I do remember having plenty of fun. I remember huge hauls of candy that I wouldn't finish until the following March, and I seem to recall that the houses in my neighborhood were "open for business" quite a bit later into the night than people seem to hand out candy these days. I remember walking miles through the night (none of this piling into a mini-van shit), taking shortcuts through the woods, and sprinting from house to house as it started getting later, to ensure that we'd hit as many houses and get as much candy as possible.

But eventually a point came along where my peers and I decided that dressing up for Halloween and going out for candy was something little kids did, and at thirteen or so we were far too mature for that. We weren't going to be denied our fun however, so we dressed up in army camos and hid in ditches, bushes, wherever we could lie in wait unseen, ready to scare the pants off the younger kids (but not in a Michael Jackson way). So of course, we did that for one or two years before we realized we had nothing to show for it at the end of the night, whereas those kids had bags of candy to eat (not ONE of those little bastards ever dropped their bag in fright and left it behind, so don't you believe for a second that in a choice between losing your candy and dying any child alive is going to meet the Reaper with anything less than a Butterfinger in their hand).

Throughout high school and college, I didn't bother doing anything for Halloween whatsoever. There was nothing to do. I wasn't big on going to parties back then, I was "too old" to trick-or-treat, there was just nothing to do but enjoy all the decorations and anticipation throughout the month that ultimately led to nothing. And let me tell you something. If you're one of those people who used to enjoy Halloween but eventually "outgrew" it, and now a previously fun time of year has become a little disappointing because you feel you can only observe rather than participate, have I got words for you: FUCKING STOP IT. You are NEVER too old to enjoy Halloween, and if you ever find that you ARE, then congratulations, you've just turned into a boring old fart.

We're a happy family, we're a happy family, we're a happy family!
A bunch of not-boring old farts.

See, over the past four years, Halloween actually started to MEAN something to me again, because Roger, myself and a few other friends all went trick-or-treating. And you know what? Very few people actually said anything to us about it because of our age. And NOBODY refused me candy. Here's a rundown of the past four years:

2002 - I dressed up as a pirate, and Roger was Blade from the "Puppet Master" movies. In fact, I think everyone in our group had a costume with a mask except me, so naturally whenever anyone did give us any flak about our age, I was the one who received the brunt of it. One guy took a look at my costume (noticing the fact that I hadn't shaved in a few days and was looking a bit scruffy) and asked "Wait—is that a real beard? How old ARE you guys anyway?" to which we always responded "fourteen". We had a pretty good haul, and though I had been a bit self-conscious about being the only one without a mask and obviously being in my mid-20s, I had a great time.

Somehow, we both managed to look constipated.

2003 – Halloween fell on a Friday that year, and Roger and I both had waited until the absolute last minute to get our costumes, so after work we decided to meet up at one of the local temporary costume shops and see what we could find. Unfortunately, there was almost NOTHING left. That place had been picked clean to the bone. So we had to piece together costumes out of what few scraps remained in the store. And so it was that I became a Hawaiian Lizard Monk and Rog became the Hawaiian Ninja of Liberty. And Roger's costume was a total hit; everybody loved it, which annoyed his wife Re, because she had put a lot of work into her costume and this asshole throws something together in the last five minutes, and he gets all the praise!

We had migrated from the suburbs to the city that year, hitting an area where a lot of college kids live (and a lot of them were also out trick-or-treating, as it turned out), and we struck gold! The streets were absolutely filled with people in costumes, spooky music, and almost everyone handing out candy was sitting on their front porch taking it all in. After exhausting all of our candy possibilities, we hit up a local restaurant and hung out for a bit, where we had a fantastic vantage point from which to see other costumes walking by. After the restaurant we found a party right down the street where some of our friends were so we spent the rest of the night there, enjoying the best of both worlds that Halloween (trick-or-treating and parties).

Dance baby Dance!
Longtime readers of I-Mockery will note Jaeger S. Meistersen (one-time
writer of Visionary Darkness articles) in the middle of our Man Sandwich.

2004 - This was the Black Halloween. Thanks to leap year, Halloween fell on a Sunday, and the part of the city that had seen a thriving block party the previous year was only witness to tumbleweeds this time around. Many houses had their lights turned out and weren't even handing out candy at all, because Jesus hates Halloween. Many others told us as early as 8pm that we should have arrived earlier, as they were already completely out of candy. People who were all too happy to celebrate "Satan's Holiday" the previous year were now staying indoors, apparently uncomfortable with even acknowledging it on a Sunday. That year I was a Mexican Ninja, and Roger was the Flaming Carrot. But it didn't really matter, because there were only like five people outside that night to see us in costume.

Once Upon a Time in Mexico...
My favorite part of this whole costume was the moustache on my piñata.

Unfortunately, Rog had a hard time going through doors in this costume.
Or turning his head. Or doing much of anything, really.

2005 – Last year more than made up for the previous disappointing year, as the streets in that same part of the city were absolutely filled with people, more so than two years prior even. I dressed up as Space Ghost and Roger was the Burger King. We got shitloads of candy, saw plenty of great costumes and got a lot of great reactions about our costumes. Roger actually scared the shit out of a lot of people as the Burger King by standing there silently showing off his "bloody" bag of fries. One house had even converted their porch and balcony into a pirate ship, and they were blasting the "Pirates of the Caribbean" soundtrack as they threw candy out to the masses on the street with many a cry of "Yarrrr!" The highlight of the evening though had to be when Roger drove us through various fast food drive-thrus in his Burger King costume, demanding free food (as was his royal right). He managed to get free french fries from one Burger King for it, but Taco Bell refused to recognize his sovereignty.

Coast to Coast... BITCHES!
I was actually able to rest my chin on those fake muscles.
In fact, I didn't have much of a choice.

I'll swallow your soul and wash it down with a milkshake!
Looks like he had his way right away... with your corpse.

I have no idea what I'm even going to be for Halloween this year, and it's definitely going to be different without Roger and Re around, but the point is I've GOT to do something... Halloween is the coolest holiday of the year, hands down. I've learned from my mistakes of previous years, and I'm damn sure not going to let the opportunity to run around in a crazy costume and get free candy slip by me again. You're never too old to trick-or-treat. When I'm 90 and living in a nursing home, I'll be scooting around in my wheelchair bugging the other residents for candy. And if they don't have candy, maybe they'll have pills they can give me, and I can take them all at once and have the most magical Halloween ever!

Or at least it'll get your "carrot" a nice "hug"
"Check it out kids, dressing up in a crazy costume will get you laid!"



You found Scary-Ass Trading Card #3!
*copy this URL down, you'll need it once you've found all 12 cards!*

Who makes Vlad the Impaler look like a total Pussy? Why his niece by marriage, "Blood" Countess Elizabeth Bathory of Hungary (1560 – 1614). Actually, her castle was in what’s was then part of Transylvania, and some experts believe Bram Stoker based Count Dracula more on her than old Uncle Vlad. The Guinness book of world records lists her as histories most prolific mass murderer. She's credited with murdering 600 some odd young girls, legend has it to bathe in their blood, as she believe it sustained her youth. A HUGE fan of torture, legend has it she hand wove a bathrobe made entirely from the pubic hair of her victims.

Find all 12 "Scary-Ass Trading Cards" this October (2006) and you'll not only get a special 13th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the month of October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file whenever you find them.

Once you have collected the URLs of all 12 cards, simply email them to webmaster@i-mockery.com with the subject line "I-Mockery's Scary-Assed Trading Cards!" and you will have the special 13th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!

Do NOT email the actual card graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of the 12 cards which you can find directly underneath them.


If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Pet Costumes!