Like Glenn Danzig, I
remember Halloween. Only thing is, I don't remember any specific
Halloweens growing up. They all kind of blur together. I couldn't
tell you what costumes I wore what year or any of that. I think I
may have been Darth Vader one year, but it's also possible I may
have been C-3PO instead. God, I hope I wasn't C-3PO. I remember
wearing plenty of those crappy costumes where the only way anyone
could tell who you were supposed to be is because you wore a smock
with that character's picture on it (come to think of it, I think
characters in the original movies and comics should just dress like
that all the time anyway. Then Halloween costumes would look SO much
better!), but I don't remember which ones I wore.
I seriously don't remember a single specific costume I wore
for Halloween growing up. But I do remember having plenty of fun. I
remember huge hauls of candy that I wouldn't finish until the
following March, and I seem to recall that the houses in my
neighborhood were "open for business" quite a bit later into the
night than people seem to hand out candy these days. I remember
walking miles through the night (none of this piling into a mini-van
shit), taking shortcuts through the woods, and sprinting from house
to house as it started getting later, to ensure that we'd hit as
many houses and get as much candy as possible.
But eventually a point came along where my peers and I decided that
dressing up for Halloween and going out for candy was something
little kids did, and at thirteen or so we were far too mature
for that. We weren't going to be denied our fun however, so we
dressed up in army camos and hid in ditches, bushes, wherever we
could lie in wait unseen, ready to scare the pants off the younger
kids (but not in a Michael Jackson way). So of course, we did that
for one or two years before we realized we had nothing to show for
it at the end of the night, whereas those kids had bags of candy to
eat (not ONE of those little bastards ever dropped their bag in
fright and left it behind, so don't you believe for a second that in
a choice between losing your candy and dying any child alive is
going to meet the Reaper with anything less than a Butterfinger in
Throughout high school and college, I didn't bother doing anything
for Halloween whatsoever. There was nothing to do. I wasn't
big on going to parties back then, I was "too old" to
trick-or-treat, there was just nothing to do but enjoy all the
decorations and anticipation throughout the month that ultimately
led to nothing. And let me tell you something. If you're one of
those people who used to enjoy Halloween but eventually "outgrew"
it, and now a previously fun time of year has become a little
disappointing because you feel you can only observe rather than
participate, have I got words for you: FUCKING STOP IT. You
are NEVER too old to enjoy Halloween, and if you ever find
that you ARE, then congratulations, you've just turned into a
boring old fart.
A bunch of not-boring
See, over the past
four years, Halloween actually started to MEAN something to me
again, because Roger, myself and a few other friends all went
trick-or-treating. And you know what? Very few people actually said
anything to us about it because of our age. And NOBODY
refused me candy. Here's a rundown of the past four years:
2002 - I dressed up as a pirate, and Roger was Blade from the
"Puppet Master" movies. In fact, I think everyone in our group had a
costume with a mask except me, so naturally whenever anyone did
give us any flak about our age, I was the one who received the brunt
of it. One guy took a look at my costume (noticing the fact that I
hadn't shaved in a few days and was looking a bit scruffy) and asked
"Wait—is that a real beard? How old ARE you guys anyway?" to
which we always responded "fourteen". We had a pretty good haul, and
though I had been a bit self-conscious about being the only one
without a mask and obviously being in my mid-20s, I had a great
Somehow, we both
managed to look constipated.
Halloween fell on a Friday that year, and Roger and I both had
waited until the absolute last minute to get our costumes, so after
work we decided to meet up at one of the local temporary costume
shops and see what we could find. Unfortunately, there was almost
NOTHING left. That place had been picked clean to the bone. So
we had to piece together costumes out of what few scraps remained in
the store. And so it was that I became a Hawaiian Lizard Monk
and Rog became the Hawaiian Ninja of Liberty. And Roger's
costume was a total hit; everybody loved it, which annoyed his wife
Re, because she had put a lot of work into her costume and this
asshole throws something together in the last five minutes, and he
gets all the praise!
We had migrated from the suburbs to the city that year, hitting an
area where a lot of college kids live (and a lot of them were also
out trick-or-treating, as it turned out), and we struck gold! The
streets were absolutely filled with people in costumes, spooky
music, and almost everyone handing out candy was sitting on their
front porch taking it all in. After exhausting all of our candy
possibilities, we hit up a local restaurant and hung out for a bit,
where we had a fantastic vantage point from which to see other
costumes walking by. After the restaurant we found a party right
down the street where some of our friends were so we spent the rest
of the night there, enjoying the best of both worlds that Halloween
(trick-or-treating and parties).
Longtime readers of
I-Mockery will note Jaeger S. Meistersen (one-time
writer of Visionary Darkness articles) in the middle of our Man
2004 - This was
the Black Halloween. Thanks to leap year, Halloween fell on a
Sunday, and the part of the city that had seen a thriving block
party the previous year was only witness to tumbleweeds this time
around. Many houses had their lights turned out and weren't even
handing out candy at all, because Jesus hates Halloween. Many others
told us as early as 8pm that we should have arrived earlier, as they
were already completely out of candy. People who were all too happy
to celebrate "Satan's Holiday" the previous year were now staying
indoors, apparently uncomfortable with even acknowledging it on a
Sunday. That year I was a Mexican Ninja, and Roger was the Flaming
Carrot. But it didn't really matter, because there were only like
five people outside that night to see us in costume.
My favorite part of this whole costume was the
moustache on my piñata.
Unfortunately, Rog had a hard time going through doors
in this costume.
Or turning his head. Or doing much of anything,
2005 – Last
year more than made up for the previous disappointing year, as the
streets in that same part of the city were absolutely filled with people, more so than two years
prior even. I dressed up as Space Ghost and Roger was the Burger
King. We got shitloads of candy, saw plenty of great costumes and
got a lot of great reactions about our costumes. Roger actually
scared the shit out of a lot of people as the Burger King by
standing there silently showing off his "bloody" bag of fries. One
house had even converted their porch and balcony into a pirate ship,
and they were blasting the "Pirates of the Caribbean" soundtrack as
they threw candy out to the masses on the street with many a cry of
"Yarrrr!" The highlight of the evening though had to be when Roger
drove us through various fast food drive-thrus in his Burger King
costume, demanding free food (as was his royal right). He managed to
get free french fries from one Burger King for it, but Taco Bell
refused to recognize his sovereignty.
I was actually able to rest my chin on those fake
In fact, I didn't have much of a choice.
Looks like he had
his way right away... with
I have no idea what I'm even going to be for Halloween this year,
and it's definitely going to be different without Roger and Re
around, but the point is I've GOT to do something... Halloween is the
coolest holiday of the year, hands down. I've learned from my
mistakes of previous years, and I'm damn sure not going to let the
opportunity to run around in a crazy costume and get free candy slip
by me again. You're never too old to trick-or-treat. When I'm 90 and
living in a nursing home, I'll be scooting around in my wheelchair
bugging the other residents for candy. And if they don't have candy,
maybe they'll have pills they can give me, and I can take them all
at once and have the most magical Halloween ever!
"Check it out kids, dressing up in a crazy
costume will get you laid!"
YOU FOUND SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #3!
COLLECT ALL 12 FOR A SURPRISE!
*copy this URL
down, you'll need it once you've found all 12 cards!*
Who makes Vlad the
Impaler look like a total Pussy? Why his niece by marriage, "Blood"
Countess Elizabeth Bathory of Hungary (1560 – 1614). Actually, her
castle was in what’s was then part of Transylvania, and some experts
believe Bram Stoker based Count Dracula more on her than old Uncle
Vlad. The Guinness book of world records lists her as histories most
prolific mass murderer. She's credited with murdering 600 some odd
young girls, legend has it to bathe in their blood, as she believe it
sustained her youth. A HUGE fan of torture, legend has it she hand
wove a bathrobe made entirely from the pubic hair of her victims.
Find all 12 "Scary-Ass
Trading Cards" this October (2006) and you'll not only get a
special 13th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be
entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will
be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the month of
October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file
whenever you find them.
Once you have
collected the URLs of all 12 cards, simply email them to
firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line
"I-Mockery's Scary-Assed Trading Cards!" and you will have the
special 13th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a
Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!
NOT email the actual card
graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of
the 12 cards which you can find directly underneath them.
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