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Scary Games!

Most of us love a good scare, from "Oh my god I'm being mugged!" to "Honey, I missed my period.", which is why Halloween is so damned fun. Well, you can capture the reckless spirit of playing Russian roulette with potentially poisoned candy early by playing spooky games to get yourself prepared for this year's Halloween; and the best thing is, you can play them all year round!


The Silent Hill Series

One of the most popular horror video game franchises, the Silent Hill series will have you soiling yourself with fear. Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but it does have some beautifully dark, extremely immersive environments for you to wander around in. And some really freaky imaginative monsters too. Maybe Mario is in just as much danger when being chased by a turtle, but there's just something about a pterodactyl swooping down on you from out of the fog that makes this game just a little more tense than most.


The Resident Evil Series

Much like the whole Beatles vs. Elvis argument, I (and I seem to be alone in this theory) maintain that you have to be a fan of either the Silent Hill series or Resident Evil—you cannot be a fan of both. If you happen to be a fan of both, please do not let me know, and let me continue my little fantasy about being clever and right about something for once. In any event, I lean towards the Silent Hill series myself. People rave about Resident Evil, but I just don't see it. If you want to run around and shoot zombies a lot though, these games may just be the thing for you.

Any Games At All Played With Your Grandparents

Come on, you know you've done this one. Playing Old Maid, Monopoly, or some other game that sucks with your grandparents because you're spending time with them and you can't think of anything better to do. Hey, I've got nothing against spending time with grandparents, but who in their right mind would actually want to play any of those games? I'd rather hear old stories about WWII and the Great Depression.


System Shock 2

Because my computer cannot run Bioshock without an upgrade and it will be a cold day in hell before I buy the inferior Xbox version (not having or wanting an Xbox also helps) for now I can keep going back to its spiritual predecessor, System Shock 2, which remains to this day the creepiest game I've ever played. You wander around on a ship filled with corpses and fucked up mutated humans, listening to audio logs that get more and more disturbing as they slowly reveal what transpired. The designers were wise to make enemies just sparse enough to allow for plenty of long empty hallways where you're constantly expecting something to creep out at you, and the rare inclusion of ghosts reenacting the gruesome events that led to their demise make for a great game that creeps you out on a psychological level rather than resorting to loud noises and sudden movement for a cheap scare. Also, SHODAN is one of the best video game villains ever, with a voice so awesomely creepy and inhuman it'll send chills down your spine. This is easily one of the five best video games I've ever played, and though it is a bit dated (but there are graphics update patches), you really owe it to yourself to check it out if you've never done so.

Murder in the Dark

Self-explanatory.


Any Game With Kirby in It

This little pink blob of shit may look innocent enough, but he fucking eats people. Yep, that's right. He devours his enemies and steals their souls, so that he can gain their powers. I've never played a Kirby game, though, cuz are you kidding me? Look at him. I don't care if he is some cannibal psycho—he's all pink and totally gay.

Dear God What the Hell Happened in This Bathroom? (A Whodunnit)

This mystery is sure to be fun, so long as you do it at someone else's house. If one of your friends (or better yet, an acquaintance) throws a Halloween party with a lot of people in attendance, go into the bathroom and make a terrible mess. You can knock stuff over and scatter toilet paper everywhere, or you can uhh... get creative. It is a bathroom after all, so just use your imagination. Just make sure nobody actually witnesses you entering or exiting the bathroom, and then watch the fun unfold on your host's face as they discover the horror waiting for them inside!


Clive Barker's Undying

Okay, so I never actually played this one, but my roommate did, and it sure sounded scary from all the girlish screaming coming out of his room. At least, I hope he was screaming because of the game. I'd hate to think what else might have caused all that kind of screaming... yeah. Let's move on.

Mafia

This is one of those games where you have a group of people sitting around in a circle, most of whom are "villagers" who the "mafia" kill during the "night" when they have their eyes closed. I'm not advocating actually taking a knife and slitting people's throats while they "sleep", but I am saying it would make the game a lot scarier if you did. Although if you keep playing after the first round where someone actually had their throat sliced open, I think it's safe to say you and your friends are pretty fucked up people.

Magical Mystery AIDS Needle

You know that urban legend email that was forwarded around years ago about being careful in the movie theater cuz somebody who knows somebody else had a brother whose friend sat in a seat and a needle poked into their bum and when they turned to look it said WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF AIDS, FUCKER! or some shit like that? Yeah, well, do that in a theater, and then just sit back and watch the fun! (Note: you don't actually need to go out and acquire AIDS to do this.)


DOOM

I'd be remiss if I didn't include this classic, which is probably the first PC game that actually had enough in the way of graphics to actually be considered halfway scary. That is, if you're scared of pixilated enemies that are about two inches tall. Doom 3 certainly had plenty in the way of gory visuals and fantastic lighting effects even if it did rely on cheap "startle you out of your seat" scares. The series is still a classic, you all played it, you all know you loved it back in the day, and so there it is.

Some of you are probably going to note that I "forgot" games you like, such as Sanity's Requiem, or Alone in the Dark, or going to see a Uwe Boll movie, but the fact is, I didn't forget them at all. I simply haven't played them, so I have no idea how scary they are or aren't. Or maybe it's just that I don't care; I can never remember. In any event, give some of these games a try this Halloween season to get yourself in the spirit! While you're at it, play them around Christmas time to get yourself in the spirit for that too.

-Protoclown
 


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! YOU FOUND SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #1!
COLLECT ALL SERIES II CARDS
FOR A SURPRISE!

You found Scary-Ass Trading Card #1!
i-mockery.com/halloween/cards07/hatton-card1.jpg
*copy this URL down, you'll need it once you've found all 19 cards!*

Born April 22, 1894, Rondo Hatton was once voted 'Handsomest Boy' in his High School class, but that was before Acromegaly began to distort his head, face and extremities. A journalist, he was 'discovered' while covering movies for the Tampa Tribune. A string of bit parts based on his unconventional looks followed, but it was the role of Hoxton Creeper in the 1944 Sherlock Holmes film, 'The Pearl of Death' that type cast Hatton as a horror movie staple.

Find all 19 Series II "Scary-Ass Trading Cards" this September and October (2007) and you'll not only get a special secret final 20th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the months of September and October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file whenever you find them.

Once you have collected the URLs of all the cards, simply email them to webmaster@i-mockery.com with the subject line "I-Mockery's Scary-Ass Trading Cards!" and you will have the special 20th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more! Remember, the cards MUST say "Series II" on them or they will not be counted.

Do NOT email the actual card graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of all the cards which you can find directly underneath them.

 

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Never Too Old To Trick-or-Treat!



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