Most of us love a good
scare, from "Oh my god I'm being mugged!" to "Honey, I
missed my period.", which is why Halloween is so damned fun.
Well, you can capture the reckless spirit of playing Russian
roulette with potentially poisoned candy early by playing spooky
games to get yourself prepared for this year's Halloween; and the
best thing is, you can play them all year round!
The Silent Hill Series
One of the most popular horror video game franchises, the Silent
Hill series will have you soiling yourself with fear. Okay, maybe
it's not that bad, but it does have some beautifully dark,
extremely immersive environments for you to wander around in. And
some really freaky imaginative monsters too. Maybe Mario is in just
as much danger when being chased by a turtle, but there's just
something about a pterodactyl swooping down on you from out of the
fog that makes this game just a little more tense than most.
The Resident Evil
Much like the whole Beatles vs. Elvis argument, I (and I seem to be
alone in this theory) maintain that you have to be a fan of either
the Silent Hill series or Resident Evil—you cannot be a fan of both.
If you happen to be a fan of both, please do not let me know, and
let me continue my little fantasy about being clever and right about
something for once. In any event, I lean towards the Silent Hill
series myself. People rave about Resident Evil, but I just don't see
it. If you want to run around and shoot zombies a lot though, these
games may just be the thing for you.
Any Games At All
Played With Your Grandparents
Come on, you know you've done this one. Playing Old Maid, Monopoly,
or some other game that sucks with your grandparents because you're
spending time with them and you can't think of anything better to
do. Hey, I've got nothing against spending time with grandparents,
but who in their right mind would actually want to play any
of those games? I'd rather hear old stories about WWII and the Great
System Shock 2
Because my computer cannot run Bioshock without an upgrade and it
will be a cold day in hell before I buy the inferior Xbox version
(not having or wanting an Xbox also helps) for now I can keep going
back to its spiritual predecessor, System Shock 2, which remains to
this day the creepiest game I've ever played. You wander around on a
ship filled with corpses and fucked up mutated humans, listening to
audio logs that get more and more disturbing as they slowly reveal
what transpired. The designers were wise to make enemies just sparse
enough to allow for plenty of long empty hallways where you're
constantly expecting something to creep out at you, and the rare
inclusion of ghosts reenacting the gruesome events that led to their
demise make for a great game that creeps you out on a psychological
level rather than resorting to loud noises and sudden movement for a
cheap scare. Also, SHODAN is one of the best video game villains
ever, with a voice so awesomely creepy and inhuman it'll send chills
down your spine. This is easily one of the five best video games
I've ever played, and though it is a bit dated (but there are
graphics update patches), you really owe it to yourself to check it
out if you've never done so.
Murder in the Dark
Any Game With Kirby in
This little pink blob of shit may look innocent enough, but he
fucking eats people. Yep, that's right. He devours his
enemies and steals their souls, so that he can gain their powers.
I've never played a Kirby game, though, cuz are you kidding me? Look
at him. I don't care if he is some cannibal psycho—he's all pink and
Dear God What the Hell
Happened in This Bathroom? (A Whodunnit)
This mystery is sure to be fun, so long as you do it at someone
else's house. If one of your friends (or better yet, an
acquaintance) throws a Halloween party with a lot of people in
attendance, go into the bathroom and make a terrible mess. You can
knock stuff over and scatter toilet paper everywhere, or you can uhh...
get creative. It is a bathroom after all, so just use your
imagination. Just make sure nobody actually witnesses you entering
or exiting the bathroom, and then watch the fun unfold on your
host's face as they discover the horror waiting for them inside!
Clive Barker's Undying
Okay, so I never actually played this one, but my roommate did, and
it sure sounded scary from all the girlish screaming coming out of
his room. At least, I hope he was screaming because of the
game. I'd hate to think what else might have caused all that kind of
screaming... yeah. Let's move on.
This is one of those games where you have a group of people sitting
around in a circle, most of whom are "villagers" who the "mafia"
kill during the "night" when they have their eyes closed. I'm not
advocating actually taking a knife and slitting people's throats
while they "sleep", but I am saying it would make the game a lot
scarier if you did. Although if you keep playing after the first
round where someone actually had their throat sliced open, I think
it's safe to say you and your friends are pretty fucked up people.
Magical Mystery AIDS
You know that urban legend email that was forwarded around years ago
about being careful in the movie theater cuz somebody who knows
somebody else had a brother whose friend sat in a seat and a needle
poked into their bum and when they turned to look it said WELCOME
TO THE WORLD OF AIDS, FUCKER! or some shit like that? Yeah,
well, do that in a theater, and then just sit back and watch the
fun! (Note: you don't actually need to go out and acquire AIDS to do
I'd be remiss if I didn't include this classic, which is probably
the first PC game that actually had enough in the way of graphics to
actually be considered halfway scary. That is, if you're scared of
pixilated enemies that are about two inches tall. Doom 3 certainly
had plenty in the way of gory visuals and fantastic lighting effects
even if it did rely on cheap "startle you out of your seat" scares.
The series is still a classic, you all played it, you all know you
loved it back in the day, and so there it is.
Some of you are
probably going to note that I "forgot" games you like, such as
Sanity's Requiem, or Alone in the Dark, or going to see a Uwe Boll
movie, but the fact is, I didn't forget them at all. I simply
haven't played them, so I have no idea how scary they are or aren't.
Or maybe it's just that I don't care; I can never remember. In any
event, give some of these games a try this Halloween season to get
yourself in the spirit! While you're at it, play them around
Christmas time to get yourself in the spirit for that too.
YOU FOUND SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #1!
COLLECT ALL SERIES II CARDS
FOR A SURPRISE!
*copy this URL
down, you'll need it once you've found all 19 cards!*
Born April 22, 1894,
Rondo Hatton was once voted 'Handsomest Boy' in his High School
class, but that was before Acromegaly began to distort his head, face
and extremities. A journalist, he was 'discovered' while covering
movies for the Tampa Tribune. A string of bit parts based on his
unconventional looks followed, but it was the role of Hoxton Creeper
in the 1944 Sherlock Holmes film, 'The Pearl of Death' that type cast
Hatton as a horror movie staple.
Find all 19 Series II "Scary-Ass
Trading Cards" this September and October (2007) and you'll not only get a
special secret final 20th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be
entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will
be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the months of
October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file
whenever you find them.
Once you have
collected the URLs of all the cards, simply email them to
email@example.com with the subject line
"I-Mockery's Scary-Ass Trading Cards!" and you will have the
special 20th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a
Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!
Remember, the cards MUST say "Series II" on them
or they will not be counted.
NOT email the actual card
graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of
all the cards which you can find directly underneath them.