So you're all grown up
and there's no way you can squeeze another year of trick-or-treating
out without someone calling the cops. Plus, the ankle bracelet makes
it impossible to go to any of the Halloween parties your restraining
order doesn't already prevent you from going to! LIKE ANYONE INVITED
YOU TO A PARTY! Does all that mean Halloween can't still be the bestest Holiday of the whole year? Well, yeah, pretty much. But it
can still be pretty darn good, you big cry baby! Here's how.
WHEN THEY SAY 'TRICK-OR-TREAT', YOU SAY:
WOW! Great costumes!
OH! You scared me!
Hey, dig in!
Oh! Oh my goodness,
what cute costumes! Honey, come and take a look at these adorable
trick-or-treaters!
Spooky! You guys
really went all out! Here, have some treats!
Look what we have here! A ghost, a witch, a fairy princess, a
pirate, another witch, and what are you, what is that, some sort of
store bought 'Scream' costume? Were you even born when that came
out? Oh well.
Candy's in the bowl.
See you next year.
So, what are you
supposed to be?
OH! HOLY CRAP! Woah!
Sorry. You just scared the crap out of me, man. Here, have some
candy.
You kids like smokes?
'Cause that's all I got.
Sorry, sorry, I got
his collar, don't worry, just take some candy, quick for Christ
sake, this dog is STRONG!
Oh, look, a Pirate!
... Well, you sure look like a Pirate. What? A clown? What the fuck
is the patch for? Yes it's a fucking patch. It IS! Okay, okay, have
it your way, but that's the shittiest make up job I have ever seen.
Know what? Why don't
you trick me this year? Seriously. 'Cause I don't think you have the
sack to back that shit up. Stop it. Stop crying.
AAAAAAAAAAAHH!
AAAAAAAAAAGH! SWEET fuckin' CHRIST, my HEART! Shit, man. SHIT! That
is the fuckin' scariest costume I have ever seen in my life, I
thought you were gonna fuckin' murder me. I'm just kidding. You look
like crap.
Great costume.
Seriously.
You know the Power
rangers were all fags, right? Even the girl. She was, like, a girl
fag.
Uhm, okay, you're what
now? Seriously? I don't see it.
Awesome costumes,
kids! A Witch, a Ghost and a Pirate! Know what I got in this bowl,
kids? Macarthur Genius Grants. I shit you not.
Let see now, store
bought, store bought, store bought, store bought. What, are all your
Moms, like, drunks, or do they just not love you?
WOAH! That is AWESOME!
Did you make that yourself? That is Amazing! I have absolutely NO
clue what you're supposed to be. No, no, don't explain it to me,
don't, look, shut up, okay, don't... Okay, you fuckin' ruined it. DO
NOT go into that damn spiel at the next house. Just let your costume
speak for itself. You ruined it. By explaining it, you ruined it.
It's like you pissed on it. Seriously. I could not be more offended
if you whipped out your little crank and pissed all over it. I can't
give you any candy for that shit. Just go. Jerk.
Oh, geeze, I'm sorry,
I'm all out of candy. I had, like, all these full size bars, I
really went all out this year, like full size Hershey Bars,
Snickers, Butterfingers, not that 'fun size' shit, what the hell is
fun about that, am I right? I'm all out now though. I should have
bought more. Sorry. I'm kidding, I was never going to give you any
candy.
No.
Is it Halloween?
Again? Fuck me.
Oh, hey, a store
bought costume. Know what? How about you get the fuck off my porch?
IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY,
I GOT HIM BY THE CHOKE COLLAR! STOP THAT MOTHERFUCKING BARKING!
Sorry, sorry, just reach in the bowl, I got him. SHUT THAT BARKING!
I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS!
Okay, I have not got
one clue what you're supposed to be. Not... one... clue.
Say, is that your Mom
back there? Tell you what, why don't you have her come ask me for
some candy. 'Cause no offense, but you are not doing shit for me.
Say, is that your Dad
back there? Tell you what, why don't you have her come ask me for
some candy. 'Cause no offense, but you are not doing shit for me.
Say, is that your Dog
back there in the Bee costume? 'Cause pardon my French, but that
shit is hot. H-O-T, know what I'm saying? That gets a whole bowl of
candy. Oh, yes. We are no longer fun size, you getting my drift?
I'm attracted to your
Dog.
OH GOOD SWEET MOTHER
OF PEARL I'M GOING TO DIE, SAVE ME, SAVE ME, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, OH,
FUCK-SHIT-PISS-COCK BASTARD, HAIRPIE, BALL SACK! BALL SACK!... Oh.
Oh, thank Christ; you're just a kid in a costume. Fuck. I almost
shot you.
I don't understand
what your costume is supposed to be. I see... like... sort of a
lamp... and a what, a what, is that, like, a potted plant, or a cola
bottle?
Oh, hey, a pirate!
Lotta pirates this year. A LOT of Pirates. 'Cause of Pirates of the
Caribbean, right. Pardon my French, but Kiera Knightly? I would do
her in like a New York minute. Totally. And Johnny Depp. And Orlando
Bloom. And that guy with the Squid Face. I just, you know, the wife
hasn't touched me in years, man. Years. I'm hard up. Seriously,
thanks for listening. I feel better. Have some candy. I know it's
only fun size, but, like, I'll owe you. Come around some other time,
we'll have a beer, shoot the shit about who we wanna fuck, kay?
No. No. I can't give
you any candy for that.
So, what, you're what,
a Zombie, a Hobo, a Drunk? Shit. No, put your hand back, you don't
get shit.
No. No. That costume
isn't anything. That's just a bunch of shit you had laying around.
It's okay, it's okay,
I got him by the collar, he won't hurt you, he's just curious. Plus,
like, he's probably hungry 'cause I haven't fed him in, like, a
week. Oh, and I put on a power ranger costume and poked him with a
barbecue fork, and he's all chained up and he can't do a thing about
it, it makes him fuckin' nuts. So what are you supposed to be, like
some kind of Green Ninja?
What are you supposed
to be now?
I GOT 'FUN SIZE'! IT'S
FUN 'CAUSE IT'S SMALL! ISN'T THAT JUST LIKE LIFE?? ANYTHING THAT'S
SWEET IS JUST BITE SIZE AND IT'S OVER IN A SECOND! BUT THE PAIN GOES
ON AND ON AND ON!
OH!... Oh... I'm...
I'm sorry, kids, just, just... give me a second here... it's just...
your costume young lady, it's like the one my own daughter wore on
her... her last Halloween... I... I... No, I'm kidding, she's just
with her Mom, I get her next weekend. Gotcha, though, right?
What the FUCK are you
supposed to be? Know what, take it, just take it, just take the
fucking bowl. 'Cause I'm done.
