BOO! LET'S PRAY!
Feel better? I sure do, and so does Jesus! And if you're a recently
converted sinner experiencing guilt over a bad case of Halloween
envy, we FEEL YOUR PAIN and UNDERSTAND the DANGER to your
IMMORTAL SOUL! Because just as vegetarians never truly loose
their craving for meat and so produce simulated meat products, the
reborn need to satisfy their constant hunger for sinning with soul
safe, spiritually nutritious simulated sin!
That's exactly why I founded "Wicked Christian!" and why we're proud
to market the Wicked Christian Hell House Kit, the
only Hell House kit on the market that's a GUARANTEED road
to Salvation! And not just for you! Studies show a small but certain
percentage of paying customers who tour your 'Wicked Christian' Hell
House WILL BE SAVED! That's called 'Soul Bundling' and GOD
You see, it wasn't that long ago that I was a Jew. It's true, and
I'm not ashamed to admit it! You may not know this, but at one time
a pretty important person to Christianity was a Jew too. Would you
be surprised to know I was talking about… JESUS CHRIST? I
sure was! You could have knocked me over with a kosher feather. And
like Jesus in his Jew days, I found myself weighed down with earthly
concerns, in my case a garage full of unsold Max Burbank's "Wicked
Spooky" Haunted House Kits that weren't selling for shit, pardon my
I've found that good
props really drive the good news home. Blood-soaked white pants
never fail to make your patrons consider the downside of premarital
sex, like bleeding to death... and ruining pants.
MAX! BUT JUST WHY DO I NEED THE 'WICKED CHRISTIAN' HELL HOUSE KIT?"
Halloween is fun, right? Sure it is! Fun and popular enough to be a
multi million dollar American institution! But so is sex with
prostitutes and I've cut way back on that. Because fun is swell but
not if all you understand are the upfront costs and not the BACK
END! And I learned about up front and back end the hard way!
From prostitutes! Just like Halloween, you shell out for the candy,
the costumes, the decorations, the guarantee of confidentiality and
you think you're ALL PAID UP! But the BACK END comes
around for soon enough when the GRIM REAPER takes you on a
boat ride across the RIVER STYX past the BIG THREE-HEADED
DOG and chucks you in an ETERNAL LAKE OF FIRE! While it's
true that only one of those four images is even arguably Christian,
WHO WANTS TO SWIM FOR ETERNITY in a LAKE OF FIRE? No
one, that's who!
But does FEAR OF ETERNAL DAMNATION mean you can't ever have a
little FUN? HELL no! Or maybe I should say
"Hell HOUSE, no!" because that's where the '"Wicked
Christian" Hell House kit comes in! And what's more fun than making
money off of people who crave sin but are TERRIFIED of
GOING TO HELL and DESPERATE to FEEL SUPERIOR to
their peers? NOTHING that's what!
It's all about the
details! What makes this teen suicide seem so real? That's right,
the Zac Effron poster on the wall! (Zac Effron poster not included)
"COULDN'T I JUST
MAKE MY OWN HELL HOUSE AND PREECH THE GOOD NEWS IN A SPOOKY AND FUN
WAY FOR CASH MYSELF?"
No. And here's why. Firstly, you're already dangerously close to the
SIN OF PRIDE and in addition, you'll probably get it wrong
and mess it up. Chances are you don't even know which risks to the
soul are the most riskiest, or how to set up a room, or "Sin
Station" to address that sin! What were you going to do, put out a
bowl of peeled grapes and tell sinners they were eyeballs? You know
what Jesus hated even more than money changers? Amateurs, that's
Let your heathen
neighbors do the screwing up and getting damned! Sure, a 'Wicked
Christian' Hell House is fun, but more importantly, it's a vehicle
of drama, that vividly communicates to all witnesses the spiritual
battle raging each day that they live! That battle is for the
eternal destiny of their souls, and if they choose to follow the
world's pathway of sin, the results will be a very real hell on
earth as well as an eternal hell. Sin and rejection of God's truth
always bring devastation and destruction! And that's why the
Johnson's annual neighborhood 'Garage of Terror' is free and your
'Wicked Christian' hell house is five bucks a head!
"WOW, MAX! WHAT A WELL CRAFTED, COMPLETELY CONVINCING
ARGUMENT! BUT HOW DO I KNOW YOU'LL COVER SIN IN A WAY THAT'S LURID
AND ENTERTAINING, BUT STILL REASSURES ME THAT I'M ALREADY SAVED AND
PEOPLE WHO DO THINGS I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ARE HUMAN GARBAGE?"
When depicting AIDS as
God's punishment on filthy sinners, I don't
skimp on green light bulbs. (Green light bulbs not included)
That's just the kind
of astute question I'd expect from somebody destined to be raptured!
When you order the "Wicked Christian" Hell House Kit, you'll get
everything you need to create 'sin stations' covering the following
HOMOSXEUALITY: We all know God HATES man on man love
and is only willing to turn a blind eye on Women with Women if they
are both pretty. If that weren't the case, why would you feel so
guilty about how much you like Professional Wrestling, gym class and
pastoral youth counseling? One visit to the GAY PUBLIC TOILET OF
DESPAIR will scare your customers straight when they find out
the tapping shoe of the congressman in the next stall is a CLOVEN
ABORTION: You know what might make all your teenage girl
customers think twice about compounding one grievous sin with
another, even if the grievous sin the committed was being raped or
abused by a family member? A "Wicked Christian" Demon Doctor with a
cleverly concealed spray pump and a sixteen gallon drum of "Wicked
Christian" fake blood! They'll remember this 'sin station' for quite
some time, because our fake blood isn't washable!
SUICIDE: Suicide is for losers! What better way to convince
desperate kids to hang on than SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF THEM!
No matter how hopeless your life is, it sure beats spending an
eternity having a "Wicked Christian" naughty nurse in a rubber pig
mask tear out your liver (not included) and eat it right in front of
SATANSIM: Who doesn't love the Harry Potter Books? All your
paying customers, that's who! Especially after they watch as a
hapless young fantasy enthusiast is DROWNED beneath
THOUSANDS OF GALLONS of RAW SEWAGE (not included) spewing
from the pages of "The Deathly Hallows"! Its not just Deathly! It's
JUDAISM: Anyone can accept Jesus Christ as their personal
savior, but Jews can be very stubborn do to a genetic tendency to
think they know it all. Many evangelicals believe that a mass Jewish
conversion is a necessary feature of the end of days, so it's never
a waste of time to pressure our Hebrew friends. Just don't hold your
At the end of your "Wicked Christian" Hell house, your patrons get a
choice of two exits. Those who accept Jesus then and there get door
HEAVEN: Your easiest room! A few white robes, a little
tinsel, and Enya CD and your all set! (White robes, Tinsel, and CD
not included) This is also a great opportunity for prayer and a
request for donations.
For the unrepentant, the ignorant and any wise crackers who say
they've 'already accepted Christ' it's door number two, which takes
them straight to:
HELL: This is where you pull out
all the stops, always assuming you've signed and mailed your 'Wicked
Christian' liability waiver! While it's true I STRONGLY RECOMMEND
the largest display of pyrotechnics you can afford (Pyrotechnics not
included), as a RECOMMENDATION and not a requirement, it has
no legal status. As long as we're clear on that, I will say that if
you don't scare the living crap out of your hell bound patrons, you
may well end of damned yourself. I'll never know if you gave a 100%,
but God will.
Now, it's true. You don't HAVE to order the "Wicked
Christian" Hell House Kit. Maybe you already have plans for
Halloween, and it's not up to me to Judge them Sinful, especially
since it's a sure bet the Good Lord already has. Who knows, maybe
some one else in your neighborhood is already planning on giving God
a few dozen saved souls this Halloween. I can't say what you should
do with your holy gift of free will. I've said my piece, and all I
can really add is this: If you don't buy the "Wicked Christian" Hell
House Kit from me, you will die from a particularly virulent STD
within the month, and you will go to hell for all eternity, and you
will spend eternity begging to return to the level of pain that STD
caused you every time you tried to pee.
Thanks for your time,
And God Bless!
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
Vampires, Vampires, Vampires!
Why We Like Horror!