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Tales From the Crypt: Bordello of Blood

Tales From the Crypt released two movies in the 1990s, Demon Knight and Bordello of Blood. These were intended to be the first two in a sort of loose trilogy featuring the same "key" prop in all three movies, only the key fills a different role each time it is seen. Unfortunately, Bordello didn't do well enough in the box office, and the plans for the third movie were scrapped.

In the beginning of Bordello we follow a small group of explorers into an ancient tomb. It is there that they find the resting place of the ancient and powerful vampire Lilith. The dwarf who leads the expedition reveals that he has searched the globe high and low to gather the pieces of her heart, and upon giving it back to her she rises from the dead and attacks the explorers, grabbing one and squeezing the life right out of him.

EYE see you! (hey the Cryptkeeper would've said something even cheesier than that!)

Before Lilith has a chance to kill him, the dwarf pulls out the key from the first movie:

The key to your heart or the key to HELL?

He reveals that whoever holds that key has the power to control Lilith, holding it out in front of him to keep her at bay. She decides to call his bluff and makes a grab for the key only to find that it burns the hell out of her hand.


Begrudgingly, she accepts that she has to follow the dwarf's orders (for the time being, anyway), and he rewards her by offering her the life of the last of his men. He freaks out upon hearing this and tries to climb the rope that leads up out of the tomb to escape, but Lilith is too fast for him. She lashes out her tongue and nails him right in the crotch, whereupon she pulls him down and finishes him off.

If this turns you on, seek help.

Then we cut to a scene of the Cryptkeeper and a Mummy having lunch together as the Cryptkeeper introduces the movie. Fans of Demon Knight will recognize the Mummy as William Sadler, who played the hero of that movie. He also played Death in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, so I figured he was worth mentioning.

My mummy was an alcoholic. :(

Most of this movie features Dennis Miller (who's character, Rafe Guttman, has one of the better names you'll hear in a horror movie) walking around and spouting out sarcastic reactions to the stupid things going on around him. So if you like Dennis Miller, there's no reason you won't enjoy this movie.

It also features a hilarious preacher character named J.C. Current, who plays a guitar in church and actually pronounces things like "Puh-raise the Lord-uh".


Late in the movie, Dennis Miller and the Preacher raid the vampire's lair with a couple of blessed super-soakers (this came out the same year as From Dusk Till Dawn so it seems more like coincidence than a rip-off), and they go to town on a bunch of half-dressed vampire whores while the song "Ballroom Blitz" plays in the background. This whole sequence features a lot of fantastic deaths that are just too numerous to get into here.

What I wanted to concentrate on was the fact that Corey Feldman is in this movie, and he's the last vampire that Dennis Miller kills with the super-soaker. Feldman comes running at Miller with an axe, and Miller lets him have it square in the chest with a spray of holy water.


Feldman then writhes around and screams like a girl for a bit before finally stopping to notice the gaping hole in his chest. With a final comment of "Oh shit, this sucks!" he collapses in a heap on the ground. Sadly, the Beavis and Butt-head vampire he plays in this movie is almost definitely the best role Feldman has had in the past ten years.


Anyway, this movie may have been largely overlooked in the theaters, and while not as action packed as Demon Knight, it still has a lot of really hilarious moments (the biker guy in the bar is a perfect example) and is definitely worth checking out.

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a horrible night indeed! :o