Tales From the Crypt
released two movies in the 1990s,
Demon Knight and
Bordello of Blood. These were intended to be the first two in a
sort of loose trilogy featuring the same "key" prop in all three
movies, only the key fills a different role each time it is seen.
Unfortunately, Bordello didn't do well enough in the box
office, and the plans for the third movie were scrapped.
In the beginning of Bordello we follow a small group of
explorers into an ancient tomb. It is there that they find the resting
place of the ancient and powerful vampire Lilith. The dwarf who leads
the expedition reveals that he has searched the globe high and low to
gather the pieces of her heart, and upon giving it back to her she
rises from the dead and attacks the explorers, grabbing one and
squeezing the life right out of him.
Before Lilith has a
chance to kill him, the dwarf pulls out the key from the first movie:
He reveals that whoever
holds that key has the power to control Lilith, holding it out in
front of him to keep her at bay. She decides to call his bluff and
makes a grab for the key only to find that it burns the hell out of
accepts that she has to follow the dwarf's orders (for the time being,
anyway), and he rewards her by offering her the life of the last of
his men. He freaks out upon hearing this and tries to climb the rope
that leads up out of the tomb to escape, but Lilith is too fast for
him. She lashes out her tongue and nails him right in the crotch,
whereupon she pulls him down and finishes him off.
Then we cut to a scene
of the Cryptkeeper and a Mummy having lunch together as the
Cryptkeeper introduces the movie. Fans of Demon Knight will
recognize the Mummy as William Sadler, who played the hero of that
movie. He also played Death in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey,
so I figured he was worth mentioning.
Most of this movie
features Dennis Miller (who's character, Rafe Guttman, has one of the
better names you'll hear in a horror movie) walking around and
spouting out sarcastic reactions to the stupid things going on around
him. So if you like Dennis Miller, there's no reason you won't enjoy
It also features a
hilarious preacher character named J.C. Current, who plays a guitar in
church and actually pronounces things like "Puh-raise the Lord-uh".
Late in the movie,
Dennis Miller and the Preacher raid the vampire's lair with a couple
of blessed super-soakers (this came out the same year as From Dusk
Till Dawn so it seems more like coincidence than a rip-off), and
they go to town on a bunch of half-dressed vampire whores while the
song "Ballroom Blitz" plays in the background. This whole sequence
features a lot of fantastic deaths that are just too numerous to get
What I wanted to
concentrate on was the fact that Corey Feldman is in this
movie, and he's the last vampire that Dennis Miller kills with the
super-soaker. Feldman comes running at Miller with an axe, and Miller
lets him have it square in the chest with a spray of holy water.
Feldman then writhes
around and screams like a girl for a bit before finally stopping to
notice the gaping hole in his chest. With a final comment of "Oh shit,
this sucks!" he collapses in a heap on the ground. Sadly, the Beavis
and Butt-head vampire he plays in this movie is almost definitely the
best role Feldman has had in the past ten years.
Anyway, this movie may
have been largely overlooked in the theaters, and while not as action
packed as Demon Knight, it still has a lot of really hilarious
moments (the biker guy in the bar is a perfect example) and is
definitely worth checking out.
YOU FOUND SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #6!
COLLECT ALL 12 FOR A SURPRISE!
*copy this URL
down, you'll need it once you've found all 12 cards!*
The exotic dancer once
known as Tura Yamaguchi starred in a number of
B-films, but honestly, only one matters. As Varla, the violent,
quasi-lesbian thrill killer in Russ Meyers "Faster Pussycat, Kill,
Kill" Tura Satana seared herself into the national
subconscious. She did all her own stunts and fight scenes. "The point
is of no return," quoth Varla, "And you've reached it." Solid.
Find all 12 "Scary-Ass
Trading Cards" this October (2006) and you'll not only get a
special 13th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be
entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will
be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the month of
October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file
whenever you find them.
Once you have
collected the URLs of all 12 cards, simply email them to
firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line
"I-Mockery's Scary-Assed Trading Cards!" and you will have the
special 13th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a
Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!
You must send in your emails by November
5th, 2006 to qualify!
NOT email the actual card
graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of
the 12 cards which you can find directly underneath them.
back to previous page