Forget about Cujo,
because I am all about Man's Best Friend when it comes to
canine carnage. It's a horror flick from 1993 about a genetically
enhanced psycho dog named Max and it's filled with a wide variety of
ultra-cheesy kills. Everything from the dog pissing a corrosive acid
on some poor bastard's face to a hilariously cliché encounter with the
local mailman. And let's not forget that for such a cheesy flick, it
still has a solid cast what with Lance Henriksen and Ally Sheedy in
But out of all the great
kills in this movie, there is one that stands so far above the rest it
should be in a separate movie all its own. Why? Because I could watch
this scene over and over again for 24 hours straight and never tire of
it. So let's take a gander at why I really consider Man's Best
Friend to be an unsung masterpiece of horror cheese...
So these two kids are
enjoying a nice afternoon of biking and roller-blading, complete with
Max the psycho dog giving one of them a tow. Everything is going just
fine until they notice the cat.
It's apparently a mean
old cat named "Boo" and it's scratched one of the kids before. As soon
as the cat sees the two kids and Max, it immediately starts growling
at them. An evil smile overcomes both of the kids as they look at each
other. We know exactly what they're thinking, and in an instant, they
take the leash off Max and sick him after Boo. At first, Boo makes a
valiant run down the street away from Max, but psycho dog is still in
hot pursuit. So, Boo opts for the one feline escape route that no dog
has ever been able to follow. The trees!
Only problem is, this is
no ordinary dog we're talking about. This is Max, the acid pissing
dog. This is Max, the dog that can jump fences over seven feet high.
And, yes, this is Max, the dog who has retractable claws just like
a cat and can therefore climb any tree he damn well pleases. Sure
enough, Max climbs up the tree and soon has Boo cornered. The look of
shock and utter hopelessness on Boo the cat says it all; he has
nowhere to hide anymore and it's time to face the reaper.
For any of you who are
cat lovers, this is probably your worst nightmare. For any of you who
are dog lovers, or simply cat haters, this is probably a dream come
true. Behold the greatest moment of Man's Best Friend:
That's right, the dog
doesn't just maim the cat or break its neck with one swift bite...
nope, he swallows Boo the cat whole. Just take a listen to the fantastic
sounds of Boo being swallowed and you'll fall in
love with this scene before even actually watching it. Tell me that's
not one of the greatest things you've ever seen. You can't. And you
know why? Because it IS one of the greatest things you've ever
Naturally, to end this
glorious scene, the two kids start blaming each other for sicking Max
on Boo the cat and then they run away as fast as they can, worried
that he'll eat them next. If only they made a sequel, maybe then we
could've seen him swallow a kid whole instead.
And as a special treat,
you can view the entire cat consumption scene here:
SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #6!
COLLECT ALL 19 SERIES II CARDS
FOR A SPECIAL 20TH CARD!
*copy this URL
down, you'll need it once you've found all 19 cards!*
If all John Carradine
ever did was sire 'Kung' Fu star and human oddity David Carradine,
that would have been spooky enough. But for a generation, Carradine
was not satisfied to father an acting clan, not satisfied to be a
classically trained Shakespearean actor with perfectly legitimate
screen credits including "The Grapes of Wrath" and "Captains
Courageous". He was Hollywood's go to Crazy Old Guy in both
Westerns and over 100 horror films including the legendarily bad "Billy
the Kid Vs. Dracula".
Find all 19 Series II "Scary-Ass
Trading Cards" this September and October (2007) and you'll not only get a
special secret final 20th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be
entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will
be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the months of
October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file
whenever you find them.
Once you have
collected the URLs of all the cards, simply email them to
email@example.com with the subject line
"I-Mockery's Scary-Ass Trading Cards!" and you will have the
special 20th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a
Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!
Remember, the cards MUST say "Series II" on them
or they will not be counted.
NOT email the actual card
graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of
all the cards which you can find directly underneath them.