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2 YEARS.
HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY I-MOCKERY!
December 5th, 2001

A Reflection Of I-Mockery.com's Second Full Year In Operation:

Well I'll be damned... I-Mockery.com has made it another year without being sucked into oblivion with a plethora of other web sites that weren't making any money thanks to a dead internet advertising industry. I-Mockery.com has also made it another year without being forced to share a bed with Dan Rather while rubbing hot oatmeal all over his quivering, withered, naked body. And while I consider both of these things to be very big accomplishments for I-Mockery, there are a lot of other things we were fortunate enough to be a part of in the year of 2001. So allow me to recap some of I-Mockery's biggest headlines from the past year that you might not of heard about.


Vigo, for Vagisil
On this day of darkness, there will be no itching for me!

Vigo the Carpathian, Vigo the Destroyer, Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Actor Named Wilhelm von Homburg... Vigo had many names back in the days of Ghostbusters II. Unfortunately, he was defeated by the Ghostbusters and his plans to return to the world were foiled. BUT, thanks to I-Mockery, Vigo was still able to return to the world in 2001 as... Vigo the Feminine Hygiene Spokesman.

The Overhyped Segway
It only costs $8,000 to look "this cool"!

We witnessed yet another sign of the apocalypse with the unveiling of "The Segway". It promises to revolutionize personal transportation... and at $8,000 a piece, it'll also make your average yuppie look even more ridiculous. I say we put the Segway people and the Razor scooter people on an island of their own and nuke it. Agreed?

No matter how bad a movie is, it can't be worse than this.
So bad that Troma wouldn't even dare to release it.

Even though the box art kinda looks like a nifty Iron Maiden album cover,  "The Video Dead" is STILL the worst horror movie ever created, and therefore must be watched by anybody who is a fan of bad b-movies. Also, if you have unwelcome company at your place, putting this movie on is a great way to get rid of 'em.

Aquaman, a failed hero, but a great pressure cleaner
Which one is more of a super hero?

We showed that even the character from the "Aqua Man Pressure Cleaning Service" (top) looks like more of a superhero than Aquaman (bottom) from Super Friends. At least the pressure cleaning Aqua Man does something useful, unlike his "superhero" counterpart who rides seahorses and sexually abuses blowfish.

Crest Whitening Strips are Assarific!
Ass-Whitening Goodness!

We discovered that Crest Whitening Strips can be used on your ass, instead of just on your teeth. If your ass isn't that creamy white color that you've always wanted it to be, try Crest Whitening Strips! Guaranteed to make your ass white or your money back!


"Parents Just Don't Understand"... why the hell he was chosen to play ALI

He once did awesome songs like "Nightmare On My Street", but after polling just about everybody who visits this site, we've all come to an agreement that Will Smith is indeed far too annoying and now must now be killed. Free T-shirt to anyone who whacks him!

Cambodian flags for all!
Anybody need about 5000 Cambodia flags?

For some reason unbeknownst to us, the American flag started selling like hotcakes in late 2001. We decided to try to take advantage of the opportunity by selling some American flags of our own. Unfortunately, we placed our orders with the flag-making companies a little too late and they sold out. So, we ended up buying the national flag of Cambodia instead. We figured that if the American flag was selling so well, then why wouldn't the Cambodia flag do the same? Right!? Well, we still haven't sold one and we're in major debt. So if any of you patriotic Cambodians are reading this... HELP!

Bowling. It doesn't get any better than that.
Every issue is ACTION-PACKED with the hottest bowling news!

For the holiday season, we bought our loved ones the one gift that just keeps on giving:  A subscription to Bowling Magazine! 6 exciting issues for only $14.95!

THE ONLY AND ONE OF KARATE OF MASTER OF GRAMMAR OF!
"KARATE OF MASTER"

We all learned that you don't have to be a master of the English language in order to become a "KARATE OF MASTER" like Tadashi Yamashita!

Christopher Walken: Singularly Personified Evil.
"I put it in the one place he would definitely find it... his ass."

And finally, we got sick and tired of seeing those goddamned X10 camera pop-up ads, so we talked Christopher Walken into solving the problem for us. He figured that if hiding a watch in his ass worked in the movie "Pulp Fiction", putting an X10 camera up the ass of their company's president would be a viable solution for the situation. And it was!


So there you have it. 2001 in a nutshell. Not many sites accomplish so many things, all of which are completely insignificant to about 99% of the populace, in such a short amount of time. I-Mockery.com is just one of the lucky ones I guess.

In all seriousness though, I do want to thank all of you who have been supporting this site by:

  • Telling everyone you know about it.

  • Linking to this site from your own sites.

  • Buying our shirts and stickers.

  • Posting nonsense on our message forums 24/7.

  • Skipping meals, radiation treatments, and other vital things just so you could check back in on the site to see if it was updated at all.

  • Sneaking into computer labs and setting I-Mockery as the default homepage on every browser in the lab.

The list goes on and on. Your devotion to our little blood-stained corner on the web is greatly appreciated. I honestly never thought the site would grow to become this big, but you thought the same thing about that tumor on your forehead. I guess we were both wrong, huh? 

Welp, that about wraps it up for this year. 2002 should prove to be a most interesting time for the site... especially since it just contracted herpes. On behalf of the I-Mockery staff... we look forward to force-feeding you so much more of our brand of humor that you won't be able to contain the huge vomitous chunks within you any longer. At least wear a bib, you friggin' pig.

-RoG

p.s.: Nobody ever ate "the brown flower" from last year's birthday cake, so if any of you want to eat it... bon appetit!

Somebody please eat the brown flower from last year's cake!
Looks pretty good for a cake that's already a year old, eh?

 

- Kay-kiokio Cowboy -


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