...CONTINUED

Uh oh, it looks like this dame has been caught in Spidey's web of lust. Yes I did just say that. It's my goddamned site and I can be as cheesy as I want to be, got it? Besides, it's not nearly as bad as what takes place during the love scene. Behold:

freaky puppets?

It's like some nightmarish ode to the "Puppet Master" horror flicks while they have sex.
I just don't want to know... I really don't.

Yeah, after she's done having an orgasm from thinking about spiders and puppets, Spidey reaches for his mask. Our one chance to see the true face of this new Spiderman, foiled again. I just have this need to see his face... I'm just not convinced it's Tobey Maguire. Still, at least we finally learned the answer to that age-old question:

Does Spider-Man remove his mask during sex? YES. YES HE DOES!

But as you know, there's not much time for love in the lives of superheroes or supervillains. Shortly after he's done knocking booty, Spider-Man goes face to face with Captain America and Santo. Now here's where things get confusing. Captain America and Santo are fighting in different rooms, but they're both fighting Spider-Man at the same time? I know, it sounds crazy, but it will sort of make sense in a minute. Anyway, they pretty much beat the crap out of Spider-Man with no problem. Hell, Santo comes walking into the room with a dead Spidey hoisted up on his shoulders. I guess Santo ran out of room in his crotch, otherwise he surely would've shoved that dead Spider-Man in it, rather than carry him on his shoulders.

Captain America runs into a nearby room and fights with yet another Spider-Man and ends up strangling him to death on a chair. And that's when it happens: another Spider-Man pops up in the background! So not only do the people of Turkey appear to have the impression that Spider-Man is a knife-wielding, tee-pee dwelling, shower stalking madman... but they also seem to believe that he has the ability to regenerate himself a few feet away after being killed. Welp, that's it... he's officially cooler than the original version of Spider-Man.

Oh yeah, something I need to get off my chest: Did I mention that whenever people walk in this movie it sounds like horses walking on cobblestones? Well it does and it's friggin' annoying and loud as hell. Actually, they use the same bank of 10 different "action sounds" throughout the entire movie. What's hilariously awesome is how off the timing of the sound effects really is. They'll make an "OOF!" 5 seconds before any contact is actually made. So yeah, if you do happen to get a copy of this thing, you might want to mute it while watching it.

Anyway, Spider-Man manages to get away again as he says "HO HO HA HA HA HA! GOODNIGHT AMERICANOS!" I swear, those are the best parts in the film, when they randomly break into semi-English dialogue.

Moving right along, after some more footage of the dancing boobie-tasels girl, Captain America (dressed in his finest leisure suit) and Santo are accosted by the bad guys in the club. How the bad guys knew their true identities is 100% beyond me, maybe they just read the script. The goons actually manage to overpower Captain America and Santo and drive them to their hideout. On the drive over, and I'm totally serious here, Captain America actually lights up a cigarette. And they wonder why kids want to smoke so much. Yep, the good ol' Cap'n had a nic-fit and had to satisfy those cravings. Well anyway, once they arrive at the hideout, one of the more important bad guys decides to take a shot at Captain America...

The bullets ricochet off of his chest as we get a glimpse of the superhero costume underneath the leisure suit. My question is this: If bullets can't hurt him, then how the hell were those goons able to overpower him and bring him to their hideout in the first place!? Hmm, I'm sure the answer was somehow lost in translation. Yeah, that's it. Yep.

Soon enough Spider-Man somehow ends up in the mix and Captain America goes chasing after him. And wouldn't ya know it, Spider-Man is armed with a gun as well. As the Joker would say, "Where does he get those wonderful toys?" As expected, the bullets continue to bounce off of Captain America, but there's one thing he's not impervious to: WIND! As he's running away from Captain America, Spidey turns on a floor fan and it manages to blow Captain America back. I'm sorry, but if a lil' floor fan is all it takes to stop a superhero in his tracks, then that superhero isn't all too "super" in my book.

After getting by that evil fan, he manages to capture Spider-Man and kill him. But of course, another Spider-Man pops up, cackling his lil' head off. They then climb up some beams and Spidey starts to stomp on Captain America's fingers with all of his might.

Impervious to bullets? Absolutely. Impervious to finger pain? Absolutely not.

Don't worry though, Captain America somehow musters the inner-strength to overcome his finger pain, and he knocks Spider-Man off of the beam. He then smashes Spidey directly into some motorized machinery which then crushes Spider-Man's head. Well, not his head, the head of some dummy costume. Actually, I'm not even sure if the costume even had a head. I think it just had a really long neck. Any guess as to what happens next?

Yep, he pops up yet again. Getting a bit predictable, yes? Well this latest incarnation of Spider-Man lasts all of about 30 seconds before he's knocked into some more machinery and we get to see him twitching and screaming inside the gears. Buuuuut...

Sigh. Yeah, the fucker is back again. But don't worry, this is actually the final one. I guess he only had so many lives to spare. But it sure seemed like a lot more than 9 between the amount of times he was killed by both Santo and Captain America.

You'd think that for the big battle of the movie Captain America would be in his superhero costume or something, but no... we still get to see "Mr. 70's Disco Swinger Jacket" instead. Kinda wished we got to see Captain America fight him in full costume one last time. Oh well, disco chump will have to do. Their big fight is an awkward ballet of fake punches, grappling, and a complete lack of athleticism or choreography. After we see more of that for a little longer, they don't really show how it happens but Spidey ends up stuck inside some train tracks with his head sticking out while a big cart of cinder blocks headed directly for him.

Not the most exciting death scene by any stretch, but at least he's finally dead for good. And now we've all learned something: The only way to kill a superherovillain who can come back to life every time you kill him is to stick him inside some train tracks and ram a big cart filled with cinderblocks into his face. And knowing is half the battle, right? RIGHT.

So all the good guys meet up once again and rejoice over their victory. But wait, look over there in that car! I think I see Spider-Man again! How can it be!?

GO GET HIM CAPTAIN AMERICA!

OHHHHH SHIT CAPTAIN AMERICA! YOU JUST GOT PUNKED BY A KID!
Oh come on... what's with the frown? Learn to take a joke for crissakes!

That's the spirit! You might as well laugh now, because you'll be sobbing soon enough when you can't get anymore acting work due to this perversion of some super-famous childhood heroes. After all, the film looked like it was cut with a lawnmower blade, and that's an understatement to say the least. I for one am proud to have made it through the entire thing in one piece. I kinda feel like a superhero in my own way. But there's one thing at the very end of the movie that I just can't believe they had the nerve to throw in...

Best? Hah... keep that dream alive, guys.

the end.

-RoG-

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