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3 Dev Adam! (aka: Captain America and Santo versus Spider-Man!)
by: -RoG-

3 Dev Adam loosely translates to "3 mighty men" or "Captain America and Santo (the Mexican wrestler) vs. Spider-Man." Still, it could easily mean "3 people have seen the movie (including family members, myself, and pets)" or "3 actors you'll never see again because they were rightfully stoned to death shortly after the release of this film." Regardless of what the name of it means, I can assure you that it's absolute madness. For whatever reason, a huge thing in Turkey was to create horrible rip-offs of popular American icons. They've done it to Star Wars and Star Trek among other things (and yes, I'll probably review those atrocities at some point in the future too) but this one takes the cake. You see, somehow the Turkish people got the impression that good ol' Spider-Man was a SADISTIC EVIL VILLAIN. That right there, combined with the fact that there are no subtitles for this movie whatsoever, should give you an idea of what you're in store for with this review. I'll do my best to do explain just what in the hell is going on, but again... I don't speak Turkish. Then again, I don't think Captain America does either, so who gives a shit.

ah-sen? ass-in? Spider-Man? Is that you?

As you can tell already, the quality of this video is pretty bad. But I guess when you embark on a mission to film something like this, you should be happy that someone was kind enough to lend you their home video camera which will forever be tainted. After a minute of seeing the annoying flashy logo and some guys chanting "AH-SEN AH-SEN" a few times, we head straight into the film and find Spider-Man and his cohorts hanging out on the beach. I have to say, Spidey isn't looking all too good. For starters, his costume is definitely off-kilter. There's no visible web patterns anywhere on it, he's got a brown utility belt, and black leather gloves. It's not even skin-tight; not that you'd want it to be since he's apparently put on some weight. Check out that gut. I think I even see hint of man-boobs underneath that costume as well! In the end, he comes out looking more like an overweight ninja with really bad color-coordination.

Christ, shut her up already!

For whatever reason, Spider-Man is really pissed off at this girl and has decided to kill her. Trust me though, with a voice like hers, you'd be aching to shut her up as well, so I can't blame Spidey for doing so. She makes Fran Drescher sound like Enya, that's how annoying her voice is. I'm sure the fact that the overdubbed audio for this film was recorded on a mini-cassette pocket recorder doesn't help either.

Now you remember when I said Spidey was sadistic in this film? I wasn't joking. Instead of just shooting her in the head or something, Spidey has his goons bury her up to her neck in sand and then they pick up a boat and start to move the propeller towards her face! And that's when we see Spidey's true side. Just look at his satisfied evil face:

GIANT EYEBROWS OF EVIL!
THE EYEBROWS!

Yep, Spidey has eyebrows so huge that they actually extend beyond his mask. Hell, it looks like they had to cut the eyeholes bigger just to make room for the things! I'm not sure, but I've watched this film several (painful) times and I swear they put blue eyeshadow on Spider-Man too. If that's not a complete bastardization of a childhood superhero, I don't know what is folks.

yeah yeah, you're dead. we get it. gee, that's funny looking sunblock.

Anyway, the boat propeller gets closer and closer to the lady with the annoying voice while she keeps screaming "NO-OH-OH-OH!" You also see shots of Spidey's girlfriend and it almost looks as she's ready to have an orgasm while watching the woman's face get torn to shreds. Sadly, they don't show her face getting chopped up and there's not even a good sound effect. She just stops screaming and you see a cheap blood splatter hit Spidey's girlfriend's legs. Ok now it's time for something I've always wanted to say...

THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR:

OOOOOOOOOOOO. AMAZING CGI ANIMATION!

Hmmm, for some reason it's just not as fun as I had hoped it would be to introduce a blurry title screen displaying Captain America and a Mexican wrestler named Santo. Well, rather than bore you with the seemingly endless array of production stills that they put on display as they roll the intro credits, let's just get right back into the movie.

Mafia guys. :o LOOK OUT! IT'S A SURPRISE TEE-PEE TRAP!

So two very inconspicuous looking mafia guys are walking down the street searching for something. They decide to split up and one of them gets killed by a goon instantly. The other one rushes over only to find that his mafia partner is dead. But wait, what's that behind him? It's a tee-pee! Yep, Spider-Man actually had his goons build a tee-pee around him just so he could sneak up on this mafia guy. I imagine the conversation went something like this...

Goons: Boss! How are we gonna stop those mafia guys from snooping around on our turf?

Spider-Man: Gimme a minute here... WAIT! I'VE GOT IT!

Goons: Great! What's the plan?

Spider-Man: Build a tee-pee around me!

Goons: Huh!?

Spider-Man: You heard me! I want you to build a tee-pee around me using these wooden boards. The mafia guys will never notice it and then I'll be able to sneak attack them!

Goons: Uh sure, whatever you say boss.

Spider-Man: Muahahahahaha! My plan is brilliant!

As insane as the plan sounds, it somehow works. Spidey jumps out and punches the mafia guy in the stomach. But wait! He wasn't punching him... LOOK!

KNIFED BY A SPIDER! Uh, did you guys forget to edit this out?

SPIDEY HAS A FUCKING SWITCHBLADE! That's right, he no longer swings from buildings on his own webs. He hides in homemade tee-pees and stabs people with his switchblade. Entomologists have yet to discover the spider that follows those patterns, but I'm sure it's out there... somewhere. It's probably related to the trap-door spider somehow. Even better, in one of the few moments that I can actually understand, Spidey says in a gritty voice, "ADIOS MAFIA!" It's absolutely classic.

After that, we're treated to some footage that they forgot to cut out. Flashy neon colored arrows and scribble quickly moving across the screen. Wow, that's some great work in the editing room there boys. Top notch stuff. Truly amazing.

Hah, some spy you turned out to be.

Captain America and Santo appear to have a spy lady working for them. She somehow manages to infiltrate one of their hideouts and she starts to take some snapshots. Unfortunately for her, she's soon discovered by Spidey's girlfriend and some more of his goons. You can always tell who his goons are because they almost always have big moustaches. Damned goons. And what is it that goons do best?

Spidey loves bitchslapping.

They rough up the ladies, that's what they do. Why do you think they're called goons?

HE WEARS UNDERWEAR SO YOU CAN'T SEE HIS WINKY! LOL :(

Meet Santo. He's a Mexican wrestler who, for some unknown reason, has teamed up with Captain America to try and stop Spider-Man from... uh... building more tee-pees? I don't know. All I know is that he's one of the good guys. And what's one of the most important movie rules for a super-hero good guy to follow? Well in Turkey, apparently the rule is to take showers without removing your "tidy whiteys" underwear. Then again, we are talking about a guy who runs around in a Mexican wrestling outfit 50% of the time... so perhaps it's not as much a "rule" as it is one of his displays of "insanity" yes?

I look suspicious. yus. Ooooo! It has a built-in light!

After the goons are done roughing her up, they throw spy lady into the car and drive her off to another hideout. Unbeknownst to them, she has a super spy watch and she's apparently able to send messages to Captain America via Morse code. Either that, or she's just really enthralled with the "light-up and see the time in the dark!" feature on her watch. When you consider how shitty this movie really is, something like a watch with a built-in light could easily appear to be a major technological breakthrough.

THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR AMERICA! CAPTAIN AMERICA!

Sure enough Captain America receives her message and in a Clark Kent-esque moment, he pulls apart his business suit to reveal the superhero outfit! At least this outfit is a little bit more on the money and he doesn't appear to be out of shape. Sure, he's not really muscular per se, but he doesn't look like a guy who's done nothing but sit on the couch while eating sour cream flavored Pringles for the last 15 years either. And now it's time for some more action! Captain America rushes off to the hideout where we find...

OHHHH! YOU GOT FACED!
MORE OF SPIDEY'S FAVORITE:
BITCHSLAP-ACTION!

So now they've tied her to a post so they can really get full-extension of the crisp backhanded bitchslap. It's a hard technique to master, but when you're a goon, you get a lot of practice in when it comes to the backhanded bitchslap. One thing you also get lots of practice with is getting your ass kicked by various superheroes...

Hey! Who made that door out of gingerbread? Boy, you sure look tough there...

Captain America, in all of his might, bursts his arms through the paper-thin door and strangles one of the goons to death. Then he bursts completely through the door to take on the rest of them. Now what happens next is just a complete embarrassment. There's a lot of things for America to be ashamed of, but this next scene has to be somewhere at the top of the list.

P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C

I don't know why, but Captain America decides to hang from the ceiling in what has got to be one of the most bullshit non-scripted action sequences of all time. He hangs upside-down punching and kicking his enemies away with about as much force as a quivering newborn kitten. At one point he's hanging upside-down as if he thinks he's fuckin' Batman. This is the hero that's supposed to represent America? If that's the case, I'm frankly amazed our country hasn't been conquered by Iceland.

AROOO? I SPY A BAD GUY! :O

After that godawful scene, which I challenge ANYONE to keep a straight face while watching it, Captain America and the spy girl he rescued head outside. That's when Spider-Man pops up. This is it folks, this is the moment we've been waiting for. The first battle between two superheroes: SPIDER-MAN vs. CAPTAIN AMERICA!

Will Captain America hang from a tree like a monkey?
Will Spider-Man's eyebrows take on a life of their own?
Will they both mock each other's wardrobe?
continue to page 2 to find out!


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