3 Dev Adam
loosely translates to "3 mighty
men" or "Captain America and Santo (the Mexican wrestler) vs. Spider-Man."
Still, it could easily mean "3 people have seen the movie (including family members,
myself, and pets)" or "3 actors you'll never see again because they were
rightfully stoned to death shortly
after the release of this film." Regardless of what the name of it means,
I can assure you that it's absolute madness. For whatever reason, a huge
thing in Turkey was to create horrible rip-offs of popular American icons.
They've done it to Star Wars and Star Trek among other things (and yes,
I'll probably review those atrocities at some point in the future too) but
this one takes the cake. You see, somehow the Turkish people got the
impression that good ol' Spider-Man was a SADISTIC EVIL VILLAIN.
That right there, combined with the fact that there are no subtitles for
this movie whatsoever, should give you an idea of what you're in store for
with this review. I'll do my best to do explain just what in the hell is
going on, but again... I don't speak Turkish. Then again, I don't think
Captain America does either, so who gives a shit.
As you can
tell already, the quality of this video is pretty bad. But I guess when
you embark on a mission to film something like this, you should be happy
that someone was kind enough to lend you their home video camera which
will forever be tainted. After a minute of seeing the annoying flashy logo
and some guys chanting "AH-SEN AH-SEN" a few times, we head straight into
the film and find Spider-Man and his cohorts hanging out on the beach. I
have to say, Spidey isn't looking all too good. For starters, his costume
is definitely off-kilter. There's no visible web patterns anywhere on it,
he's got a brown utility belt, and black leather gloves. It's not even skin-tight; not
that you'd want it to be since he's apparently put on some weight. Check
out that gut. I think I even see hint of man-boobs underneath that costume
as well! In the end, he comes out looking more like an overweight ninja
with really bad color-coordination.
reason, Spider-Man is really pissed off at this girl and has decided to
kill her. Trust me though, with a voice like hers, you'd be aching to shut
her up as well, so I can't blame Spidey for doing so. She makes Fran
Drescher sound like Enya, that's how annoying her voice is. I'm sure the
fact that the overdubbed audio for this film was recorded on a
mini-cassette pocket recorder doesn't help either.
remember when I said Spidey was sadistic in this film? I wasn't joking.
Instead of just shooting her in the head or something, Spidey has his
goons bury her up to her neck in sand and then they pick up a boat and
start to move the propeller towards her face! And that's when we see
Spidey's true side. Just look at his satisfied evil face:
has eyebrows so huge that they actually extend beyond his mask. Hell, it
looks like they had to cut the eyeholes bigger just to make room for the
things! I'm not sure, but I've watched this film several (painful) times
and I swear they put blue eyeshadow on Spider-Man too. If that's not a
complete bastardization of a childhood superhero, I don't know what is
boat propeller gets closer and closer to the lady with the annoying voice
while she keeps screaming "NO-OH-OH-OH!" You also see shots of Spidey's
girlfriend and it almost looks as she's ready to have an orgasm while
watching the woman's face get torn to shreds. Sadly, they don't show her
face getting chopped up and there's not even a good sound effect. She just
stops screaming and you see a cheap blood splatter hit Spidey's
girlfriend's legs. Ok now it's time for something I've always wanted to
LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR:
some reason it's just not as fun as I had hoped it would be to introduce a
blurry title screen displaying Captain America and a Mexican wrestler
named Santo. Well, rather than bore you with the seemingly endless array
of production stills that they put on display as they roll the intro
credits, let's just get right back into the movie.
So two very
inconspicuous looking mafia guys are walking down the street searching for
something. They decide to split up and one of them gets killed by a goon
instantly. The other one rushes over only to find that his mafia partner
is dead. But wait, what's that behind him? It's a tee-pee! Yep, Spider-Man
actually had his goons build a tee-pee around him just so he could sneak
up on this mafia guy. I imagine the conversation went something like
Boss! How are we gonna stop those mafia guys from snooping around on our
Spider-Man: Gimme a minute here... WAIT! I'VE GOT IT!
Great! What's the plan?
Spider-Man: Build a tee-pee around me!
Spider-Man: You heard me! I want you to build a tee-pee around me
using these wooden boards. The mafia guys will never notice it and then
I'll be able to sneak attack them!
Uh sure, whatever you say boss.
Spider-Man: Muahahahahaha! My plan is brilliant!
As insane as
the plan sounds, it somehow works. Spidey jumps out and punches the mafia
guy in the stomach. But wait! He wasn't punching him... LOOK!
SPIDEY HAS A
FUCKING SWITCHBLADE! That's right, he no longer swings from buildings
on his own webs. He hides in homemade tee-pees and stabs people with his
switchblade. Entomologists have yet to discover the spider that follows
those patterns, but I'm sure it's out there... somewhere. It's
probably related to the trap-door spider somehow. Even better, in one of
the few moments that I can actually understand, Spidey says in a gritty
voice, "ADIOS MAFIA!" It's absolutely classic.
we're treated to some footage that they forgot to cut out. Flashy neon
colored arrows and scribble quickly moving across the screen. Wow, that's
some great work in the editing room there boys. Top notch stuff. Truly
America and Santo appear to have a spy lady working for them. She somehow
manages to infiltrate one of their hideouts and she starts to take some
snapshots. Unfortunately for her, she's soon discovered by Spidey's
girlfriend and some more of his goons. You can always tell who his goons
are because they almost always have big moustaches. Damned goons. And what
is it that goons do best?
up the ladies, that's what they do. Why do you think they're called goons?
He's a Mexican wrestler who, for some unknown reason, has teamed up with
Captain America to try and stop Spider-Man from... uh... building more
tee-pees? I don't know. All I know is that he's one of the good guys. And
what's one of the most important movie rules for a super-hero good guy to
follow? Well in Turkey, apparently the rule is to take showers without
removing your "tidy whiteys" underwear. Then again, we are talking about a
guy who runs around in a Mexican wrestling outfit 50% of the time... so
perhaps it's not as much a "rule" as it is one of his displays of
goons are done roughing her up, they throw spy lady into the car and drive
her off to another hideout. Unbeknownst to them, she has a super spy watch
and she's apparently able to send messages to Captain America via Morse
code. Either that, or she's just really enthralled with the "light-up and
see the time in the dark!" feature on her watch. When you consider how
shitty this movie really is, something like a watch with a built-in light
could easily appear to be a major technological breakthrough.
Captain America receives her message and in a Clark Kent-esque moment, he
pulls apart his business suit to reveal the superhero outfit! At least
this outfit is a little bit more on the money and he doesn't appear to be
out of shape. Sure, he's not really muscular per se, but he doesn't look
like a guy who's done nothing but sit on the couch while eating sour cream
flavored Pringles for the last 15 years either. And now it's time for some
more action! Captain America rushes off to the hideout where we find...
MORE OF SPIDEY'S
they've tied her to a post so they can really get full-extension of the
crisp backhanded bitchslap. It's a hard technique to master, but when
you're a goon, you get a lot of practice in when it comes to the
backhanded bitchslap. One thing you also get lots of practice with is
getting your ass kicked by various superheroes...
America, in all of his might, bursts his arms through the paper-thin door
and strangles one of the goons to death. Then he bursts completely through
the door to take on the rest of them. Now what happens next is just a
complete embarrassment. There's a lot of things for America to be ashamed
of, but this next scene has to be somewhere at the top of the list.
I don't know
why, but Captain America decides to hang from the ceiling in what has got
to be one of the most bullshit non-scripted action sequences of all time.
He hangs upside-down punching and kicking his enemies away with about as
much force as a quivering newborn kitten. At one point he's hanging
upside-down as if he thinks he's fuckin' Batman. This is the hero that's
supposed to represent America? If that's the case, I'm frankly amazed our
country hasn't been conquered by Iceland.
godawful scene, which I challenge ANYONE to keep a straight face while
watching it, Captain America and the spy girl he rescued head outside.
That's when Spider-Man pops up. This is it folks, this is the moment we've
been waiting for. The first battle between two superheroes: SPIDER-MAN
vs. CAPTAIN AMERICA!
America hang from a tree like a monkey?
Will Spider-Man's eyebrows take on a life of their own?
Will they both mock each other's wardrobe?
continue to page
2 to find out!
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