Before we
dive into the first mega yard sale of 2005, I suggest you first take a
gander at the "45-family mega yard
sale of doom" that we attended last year if you haven't already.
Done reading that one already? Good. Ok, so the other week I was driving down the road after work and there it
was...
It's the
kind of thing that dreams are made of and campfire tales are based on. A
yard sale in which 50 families get together to sell the stuff that they
couldn't get rid of on eBay and the stuff that Goodwill wouldn't take. How
often does one get a chance to look through one family's crap, let alone
50!?!? I was convinced that it was going to be one of the greatest days in
the history of mankind. Not only was this amazing Saturday "Free
Comic Book Day", it was also the day of the biggest yard sale ever
in this area.
So let's get
right down to it. Kick back in your chair as I take you on a guided tour
of all the crap we came across and had to fight every urge in our bodies
to not buy... simply because we can't possibly fill up any more closets
with broken toys, board games that are missing pieces, and corny Xmas
decorations.
A game
called "Slap Happy"... now if that doesn't set the tone for another
I-Mockery piece, I don't know what will. All I can say is that if I want
to be slap happy, I sure don't have to pay 50 cents at a yard sale to
achieve it. But hey, if that's what it takes to get some of you sick
bastards off, more power to ya.
You know
that old adage, "the early bird gets the worm," right? Well it's fucking
true. I made a point of being at this yard sale exactly when it started,
but Proto (that bastard) was running late so I had to wait around for him.
And what do we find at one of the first places we visit? Some lucky
schmuck buying a Nintendo Gamecube. And the price? Oh you'll love this...
20 goddamned dollars! GAH! I already have a Gamecube, but still,
it's the principle of the whole thing. And I know Proto could've used one.
He was so enraged by the fact that he had just missed out on it by a few
minutes that he busted out a chainsaw that they were selling. Still, that
guy managed to get away and we were still empty handed.
Oh and how
nice of him to leave us a Super Nintendo and a portable black and white
television set from 300 AD. The SNES is cool 'n all, but we both have 'em
already and this one was in pretty piss poor condition. And either way, it
sure as hell wasn't a steal like that Gamecube was.
Ah yes, old
reliable. There is perhaps nothing more prevalent at yard sales than used
exercise equipment. And it's always people who are completely out of shape
that are selling them. Perhaps, if they hadn't used the Ab Roller as a
doorstop, then maybe they'd have those rock-hard abs they so desire?
While the
CritterTrail Revolution may look like a lottery ball tumbler, it's
actually supposed to be an exercise unit for your pet gerbils, hamsters,
etc. Upon closer inspection, I'm quite sure that this thing would be a
living hell for any animal placed inside it. Not only are there numerous
ways for them to get injured inside it, but they don't even have control
over the spinning exercise wheel... you do with the help of an external
crank. Put something like that in the hands of a child, and you've created
the ultimate nightmare for a pet. If I know anything, it's that kids will
turn a crank like that as fast as they possibly can, thus abruptly ending
the life of whatever unfortunate creature was tossed inside this torture
chamber.
Ah yes,
another staple of yard sales are the used "do-it-yourself" food
toys that people tried once and quickly realized a) the amount "food"
these things produce is less than what most supermodels eat, b) the "food"
itself tastes nothing like the original product that it's based on and c)
the refill packs you have to buy are nearly impossible to find and when
you do find them they cost twice as much as the real food products. If you
don't believe me, just check out our in-depth reviews of some of these
crappy food kits: [Peeps
maker] [Hostess
snack oven] [Queasy
bake oven]
Ah, now
that's more like it. Why waste your money on a crappy food kit when you
can find some hard-working kids trying to sell some of their own baked
goods and drinks? I'm always more than happy to support these kids. On
this occasion I went with a cup o' hot chocolate...
In all
honesty, the hot chocolate was very good, but I swear they filled my cup
up to the rim, and half of it ended up on the ground as I was leaving
their yard. The other half ended up on my jacket.
Good ol'
Casio keyboards — the ultimate sign of a parent's failed attempt to get
their kids interested in playing music. I'd bet money that this keyboard
was used by the kid for about a week in which he/she simply pushed the
"demo" button over and over and over again until their parents went
absolutely mad. Hence, you now see it for sale. Oh and nd that Crayon
maker in the background? Just like with the "do-it-yourself" food
machines, you're better off just buying a box of crayons instead. Got it?
Good.
Ah the good
ol' 3D games from yesteryear... do you remember how impressive games such
as "The 7th Guest" and "Myst" were when they first came out? We had never
seen games like those on a computer before. Nowadays, we probably couldn't
stand to play them for more than five seconds. Still, there was a much
better game to be found...
Cap'n
Crunch's Crunchling Adventure... now that's a real game that stands
the test of time! Sure, when you install the game, you'll probably
discover that in addition to the Crunchling Adventure, AOL installed
itself on your computer as well. But hey, that's a small price to pay for
a cerealtastic adventure, right? Wrong. This game is freeware and there's
no need for you to search for a copy of it at yard sales or on eBay. You
can learn all about the game and download a copy for yourself
right here!
You know
you're at some hillbilly's house when you find one of the infamous Talking
Bass novelty items. I pressed the play button on this thing and it started
singing "Louie Louie" for about 5 minutes straight. It wouldn't even stop
when I tried turning the power off and it was quite obvious that I really
pissed off the people who were selling it by making it play that song
again. Still, I've always wanted to buy one of these Talking Bass fish so
I could hack it to sing some Slayer songs. And what else did I find at
their yard sale?
I TOLD
YOU THEY WERE HILLBILLIES!
What better
way to help the white children of America a lesson about Native Americans
than with a genuine Teepee Playtent! Surely they'll see the error of their
ancestors ways and when these lil' caucasians grow up, they'll make sure
the Native Americans get their land back. Bless you Teepee Playtent! Bless
you!
Whoah, now
here was something I hadn't seen before. A yard sale in which there was an
area set aside for "free" stuff! Sure, most of it was useless crap such as
old pots that still had food caked onto the inside of 'em, but there was
still something good to be found these boxes! Behold:
Superman.
Silly Putty. Super Putty! That's right, within this blue egg was
the most powerful putty in the universe. Either that, or somebody really
fucked up Superman big time and shoved his remains in here. Either way,
IT'S MINE NOW AND I DIDN'T PAY A DIME FOR IT!
