by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

At long last, Emmett and Cass arrive at the correct bar and learn that they just missed Abby. The owner lets them know that she'll be right back (he leaves out that she's in the back banging some barfly). Cass calls Dr. Williams from the manager's office, and he tells them that he's going to come to Abby, and not vice versa. One wonders why he spent so much time getting the house ready if this was his plan the whole time, but no matter. Emmett stays behind to watch for Abby, and within seconds, he whizzes that responsibility down his leg. Almost literally.

He runs off to the can, and wouldn't you know it: Abby emerges and prepares to pick up another couple of skels to rail her in the back of this seedy red club. Look, I know you can't be that picky when looking for bar tail, but she's been doing this all night! At the very least, couldn't the bartender warn them that they'll be getting sloppy thirds and fourths?

Emmett emerges from the bathroom in time to catch Abby before she winds up as the center of a Wobbly H, but the threat of losing his wife to a demon has not made him any less of a pantywaist. Abby and her new friends taunt him, throw drinks at him, and ultimately get the entire bar cheering them on as they remove his clothes.

Cass arrives in time to save Emmett's bacon once again. He disperses the crowd by firing a couple shots in the air. I wonder what the people on the second floor thought of him shooting holes in the ceiling...

Potential manslaughter charges aside, one of Abby's new boy toys isn't scared by a maniac with a gun. Cass, Emmett, and the new guy each try to leave with Abby, but she rebuffs them all:

The demon emerges once more to taunt Abby's would-be rescuers. Emmett is cowed by a mere insult, but Cass is a bit more stubborn. Abby points at his gut and he doubles over in pain. The demon asks what they think of his new powers (particularly the power to inflict groin pulls with a single gesture). I know one man who isn't impressed:

With the small talk out of the way, Abby lunges for the doctor.

Thank goodness he wore that cheap-looking cross his students gave him. The demon in Abby immediately flees in terror at the sight of it, but Dr. Williams knows there's no more time left in the movie for more chasing. He orders Emmett and Cass to grab her arms, because they've been so successful at restraining her thus far. Once again, Abby tosses them aside and starts taunting Dr. Williams. She adds a little flare to her threats by conjuring a little fire from the fireplace (a fireplace in a nightclub?). Dr. Williams tells his assistants to grab her again, and it STILL. DOESN'T. WORK!!!

The third time, it actually does work. Points for persistence, I guess. They spread Abby's arms as though she were crucified and lay her on the ground, mostly because two people standing and shouting at each other is a pretty silly way to end an exorcism movie. Once she's on the ground, it's Dr. Willams' turn to hurl smug insults, and he drops the biggest of all: the demon possessing Abby, he explains, is not Eshu at all; It's just a pale imitation.

Suffice to say, the demon is flabbergasted. Looks like Dr. Williams has this one in the bag. Literally; he reaches into his doctor's bag and pulls out a new costume:

Dr. Williams decides to double down on the religious front, slipping into what I have to assume is the garb of a Yoruba holy man. He rings his magic bell and recites a prayer to "Oloren" to cleanse Abby's soul. The demon in Abby tries to fool Emmett into letting himself get possessed instead of Abby. Thank goodness Dr. Williams is there to stop him from doing anything too stupid. Instead, it's time to join hands and show the demon the power of the pyramid.

The three of them holding hands forms a triangle of light that... does something. Dr. Williams urges the demon to vacate Abby's body, but it refuses. Sensing that perhaps more special effects are needed, Dr. Williams grabs a few more things out of his bag and prepares for the coup de grace:

That's how you get rid of a demon. Not with rosaries and a Eucharist, but with a little talc and some grappa.

The demon lets loose as sum of Dr. Williams' ritual comes to bear on Abby. Shit starts exploding, a crappy-looking mask appears, and through it all, Dr. Williams doesn't even flinch. This guy must be sporting some serious sack under that poncho.

Of all the destruction that takes place, this bit is my favorite:

The disco ball comes loose and swings behind the bar. It hits the bottles and then explodes! Damn, no wonder you never see those things at clubs anymore!

And so, the demon is exorcised and returned to the box where it had been imprisoned. Abby's smoking face gives her rescuers pause, but it turns out she's okay. Emmett hugs his demon-free wife, and Dr. Williams strolls off into the sunset in true hero fashion.

And Cass goes to explain to the club owner how a demon destroyed his club, so it's really no one's fault but his own. I mean, what was he thinking, buying a disco ball powered by nitro glycerin?

Sometime later, we see that Emmett has indeed avoided jail time for stealing that woman's car, and Abby didn't go to jail for killing all those people while she was possessed! The two of them are going on vacation. They don't say where. I guess it doesn't really matter, although I'd like to think there was some point to this scene other than to advertise TWA. Oh well. Movie's over.

That was a bit of a disappointment. Sure, the whole movie was terrible, but it at least seemed like they were prepping us for some kind of grand confrontation between exorcist and exorcisee. Instead, we find out that the victim is being possessed by some crummy, low-level demon that doesn't give the hero even the slightest bit of trouble. Maybe he just seemed super-competent compared to the brainless louts that called him for help. Just think, though: someone on the other side of the globe could be just moments away from opening an ancient chest and unleashing a demon that will possess you!

If that happens, you'd better pray to god you get a black exorcist, and not a couple of middling white Catholics.

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