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...CONTINUED
Rock and Kevin argue about the gun the Kevin magically produced, and Rock gets left behind, ranting about guns and such. Harry hears him rambling, and comes over to give him something to talk about.
And here’s defining moment number two: Rock sees Harry, and he starts screaming and wiggling his glasses. Absolutely priceless.
After smacking Rock with the bat, Harry discards it in favor of the gun Kevin dropped. So now, I guess he has a machete and a gun. I still don’t know where the bat came from. Oh well.
Not sure why she decided to go back to the house, but whatever the reason,
Harry is back and chops her in the head. I wonder if Mike told her not to
blink so much when they showed the machete in her head. Anyway, so yeah... she’s
dead too.
She’s back in the woods enacting defining moment number three. She walks around, yells “Brian?” and trips every two or three steps. Literally. It was like she was a little tipsy, wearing high-heels, and having an inner ear problem all at the same time. After one of her falls, she hears Harry in the background, groaning like a lion with asthma. He doesn’t even come after her, and she starts standing up and tripping until she falls off screen.
Tony and Kendra, meanwhile, find a car. Tony starts flipping out, and Kendra smacks him. He then starts yelling about getting smacked in the woods, and ultimately tells Kendra that he’ll deal with her later, and they should just get in the car.
There’s Nikki, running away from the horrors behind her. Oh, and there’s the exact same scene again right after she disappears from the screen. I’m officially convinced that “editing” was not involved in the process of making this movie.
There’s Mike, sneaking into the house where the old guy was killed in the beginning. The whole time he sneaks in, he does a little pantomime of himself loading and readying an imaginary pistol. I guess that’s reassuring... in a pathetic sort of way. Well, he finds the dead old guy (whom it turns out is his grandfather) as well as his gun. He’s down one grandpa, and up one gun. That’s progress in my book.
Hey, it’s Rock! I thought he was dead back when he was bludgeoned by Harry, but now here he is at the old house with all the colored lighting. Fortunately, the colored lighting is on a timer that turns it off when it gets dark out. He hears the door open and, not knowing that it’s only Nikki, he sits in a chair and throws a sheet over himself. As dumb as that sounds, it STILL fools her.
Kevin and Erika, meanwhile, find their way into yet another old house. Are there clusters of abandoned houses in the woods of Maryland, or are these guys just terrific runners? Anyway, they move upstairs and spot Harry. Kevin, like a true gentleman, pushes Erika out of the way and runs like hell, leaving her behind.
She should have ducked, and though you couldn’t see clearly whether or not he got her, you get a nice headshot to remove all the doubts caused by poor camera positioning and horrible lighting.
Kevin rushes back in, pushes his way past Harry, and runs upstairs for reasons unknown. Unfortunately, Harry busts a cap in his ass, and follows him upstairs to put a few more in him for good measure. Damn you, Mfume... this is not, “Ax ‘Em”; this is “Shoot ‘Em”!
Later, Harry’s back at the house where Rock is still hiding under a sheet in the chair. He cocks his head to one side, and raises the machete, but then he just wanders off. Damn, that sheet really is a good disguise! Go Rock!
Upstairs, Nikki’s hiding in a closet, and indeed, she almost fools Harry. Unfortunately for her, she didn’t see the fairly obvious skeleton when she first went into the closet, and when its hand falls onto her, she screams her head off.
She almost manages to close the door on him, but that clever guy gets his foot in before she can, and he deals her a very believable wrist cut. Ouch, pass the Bactine. :(
Then he just sort of pushes the door down as though it were suspended by fishing line. Lucky for Nikki, however, Rock abandons his amazingly effective hiding spot and pushes Harry over. Poor Harry. The two then manage to escape from this clumsy, machete-wielding, gun-toting oaf.
Back with Michael and Kea, he hears someone coming through the door and starts firing. He must be a damned fast shot, though, because you hear him shooting before he even brings his gun to bear on the door. I’d make another editing remark, but instead, I’ll simply say, “Damn you, Mike Mfume” again because it just feels right.
Look out Mike, it’s Harry, and brought his pal,
the sun, to back him up.
Everyone who’s left eventually meets at the car that Tony and Kendra found. Mike explains to them that it’s Harry who is trying to kill them and that this is his grandfather’s car, while Rock dances around yelling about how they should all leave immediately. The problem, as they soon find out, is that the battery is missing. Hey, though, Tony remembers tripping over a battery back when I was convinced that I could make it through the whole movie without suffering any mental trauma.
But as soon as Tony leaves, Harry comes after everyone at the car. Mike rattles off a few more rounds into him, and then runs off with everyone else. Then you just hear more gunfire from that shootout that’s going on elsewhere in the woods. Having wasted all his bullets on Kevin, Harry sets after them with the machete.
Here comes defining moment number four. It’s not in the picture, rather
the accompanying sound: After hearing Tony give a long soliloquy with a
Jamaican accent, we see Harry’s legs as he runs toward the camera. While
he does so, he groans and yells like a camel giving birth to a minivan. I
wish I could bring that sound to you, but you’ll just have to use your
imagination... or try giving birth to a minivan. Or a camel. Or a camel
giving birth to a minivan.
So they run and run, and eventually, they wind up… here. Where is “here,” you ask? I have no clue. It looks like they stumbled into a warehouse, which I guess exist in the middle of the forests in Maryland.
Uh oh, looks like Harry found the warehouse, too. When they see him, the whole group piles onto a tiny stairwell in the corner, and Mike shoots him, those his gun emits no muzzle flare and doesn’t recoil at all.
At this point, Harry stops his rampage and tosses something to Mike. I have no idea what hell it could be. Whatever it was, it probably had something to do with that flashback near the beginning. Maybe they were friends as kids. Maybe Harry was giving him food. Maybe it was the script with his groaning lines that he didn't memorize in advance. I guess we’ll never know.
Kea gets impatient and shoots him before they complete the exchange of the mystery item. When that doesn’t stop him, Kendra stabs him with a pitchfork. He isn’t quite dead, so everybody runs off while he’s on the ground twitching.
After he helps everybody out of the mystery location, Mike comes back in and shoots Harry a few times to make sure that he’s dead once and for all. Ew, Messy.
Whoops, looks like Mike needs to practice his shooting a little more. Harry summoned his awesome booger-faced powers to bring himself back to life. Thus, he retrieves his machete and strikes a pose. Vogue!
And that’s the end of the movie. The credits roll, and oddly enough, Michael Mfume chooses to thank, among others, Spike Lee, John Singleton, Robert Townsend, and other people who would never, in their lowest moments, ever be involved with anything like Ax ‘Em. He even gave special thanks to "those who supported me, and those who did not." Well, that’s nice of you to thank me, Mike, but it is completely unnecessary. In fact, I want my name taken off this project right now! At the end of the credits, the word, “peace” is shown. Want to truly torture your mind and see the movie Ax 'Em?
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