by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

Rick lures the Protector 1 robot into the elevator trap and escapes through the top hatch while the robot is trapped inside. He then sets gas cannister explosives and jumps off while the other guys shoot at it, yet none of them have good enough aim to hit the damn thing. Great plan guys. Alison finally grabs a gun and hits the gas cannisters on her first shot, sending the elevator and the killbot inside it flying downward to its doom. She explains that she knows how to shoot because her dad is a marine. Nice save there, writers... nice save. One down, two to go.

The group heads over to the restaurant where Alison works to figure out their next move. Linda says, "According to my calculations, we're gonna be in debt to this place for the next 85 years." Yes, that's what you worry about when your friends have just been murdered by robots: what you're going to owe the owners of a mall who locked you in with robots who went haywire and killed a bunch of people.

With Suzie dead, Greg has started to lose his mind and is clearly unstable, yelling at his remaining friends 'n everything. He's really stretching those limited acting muscles to the limit! Ferdy then comes up with the idea to make it up to the third level and shutdown the lab computer to disable the robots. Greg simply replies, "Computer huh? Let's go trash the fucker!" Once again, Greg rules.

Well he did. You see, Greg is so thirsty for robot blood, he excitedly runs ahead of the others, rather than sticking with the group, so you know he's gonna die. And sure enough, the level 2 robot sneaks up behind him and pushes him off a ledge. "Thank you, have a nice day."

Damnit! I guess they'll have to give somebody else all of Greg's great lines now.

Protector 2 and Protector 3 are now chasing after them on level 2, but they manage to make it into another department store and bring down the metal security sheet in front of it to lock the robots out. Protector 2 starts using its lasers to cut a hole in the metal sheet, while Protector 3 returns to level 3.

Ferdy tries telling them they can't sit around and wait because the robots will find them, and Linda then starts yelling at him. She soon calms down and then apologizes to him by saying, "It's not you, Ferdy. I guess I'm just not used to being chased around a mall in the middle of the night by killer robots." It looks like we've found the successor to Greg as far as delivering amazing lines goes! Well done, Linda!

They then devise a plan to set up a bunch of mannequins at the front of the department store that the robots will attack, mistaking then for real people. But just behind the mannequins, they have a bunch of tall mirrors set up. Why? Because, if you shoot a laser at a mirror, it'll bounce right off of it and presumably destroy the robot. SCIENCE!

Sure enough, Protector 2 starts shooting at the mannequins, and when the laser hits the mirror, it ricochets back at the robot and it short circuits.

Protector 2 starts going nuts, shooting neon green lasers in every direction while it spins completely out of control as electrical currents course over its body. This would probably be a good time to not stand near said robot, but I guess nobody told Linda that...

Yep, she just stands there and takes a laser shot right to the gut. Dead. Well played, Linda. Of course, this enrages Rick, who in one of the most hysterical displays of anger decides to hope aboard a tiny little nearby utility cart, and drive it right into the robot. Naturally, he gets electrocuted the moment he comes in contact with it. But hey, he at least destroyed Protector 2 in the process. Who knew that ramming a killer mall security robot with a golf cart at a whopping 3mph would prove to be its true weakness. It's always been one of my favorite scenes in the entire movie for its utter ridiculousness.

Now it's down to just Ferdy and Alison. So what do they do? What every genius in a horror movie does. They split up, of course! Brilliant!

The filmmakers must've run out of ideas, so they fill a solid three minutes of screen time with Rick and Alison just walking around alone through various sections and corridors of the mall. When Alison is cornered by Protector 3, Rick runs up and shoots it in the face, causing a "laser malfunction" so it chases after rick constantly repeating "Laser malfunction. Laser malfunction. Detain intruder." Well that's good, at least it can no longer kill them with those deadly lasers.

Rick then throws a fire extinguisher at the robot. We're talking about a robot that has broken through doors and repelled bullets, and he thinks throwing a little fire extinguisher at it is gonna do some real damage? You can almost picture Protector 3 laughing at him when he does this, so it returns the favor and comically throws the extinguisher back at him, knocking him out completely as his head bleeds all over the ground. "Thank you, have a nice day."

Alison then takes refuge in "Roger's Little Shop of Pets" and hides on the ground. When the robot enters the shop to search for her, it knocks over some pet tanks containing snakes and tarantulas, which start crawling all over her... of course. Somehow, she doesn't completely freak out and reveal herself to the robot like we expect her to, but she does something even more insane.

It suddenly cuts to a shot of her dangling over the edge of a railing for some insane reason, and when the robot draws near, she falls all the way down to the next level, but her fall is broken by the "Circus Tent O' Values". That said, her leg is still injured and now she's doing her best to pretend to limp around the mall.

Well, I think she may have hit her head on that last fall too, because Alison decides to ram her body headfirst through the glass door of a painting supplies shop. I guess she couldn't find anything to throw through it this time. She starts grabbing cans of paint and turpentine off the shelves and spills them all over the floor while the robot heads her way. Once it enters the store, it's unable to find any traction on the slippery floor.

Alison then steps outside of the store and lights her signal flare and calls to the robot, "Hey! Have a nice day!" and proceeds to toss the flare into the shop, causing a huge explosion. What a brilliant trap that was, huh? I bet it's because her dad is a marine.

Protector 3 is finally destroyed, along another shop in the mall. As she hobbles away, we discover that Nerdy Ferdy is still alive and holding some bloody toilet paper up to the back of his head injury. He tells her "nice shot" and we're then treated to an overhead shot of them embracing. Oh, and it's suddenly daytime too.

After the credits roll, a killbot rolls up to the screen and says "Thank you, have a nice day." It must be Protector 1. I knew that stupid elevator trap wouldn't do much damage. It's not like it was going to drop fifteen floors or something. Morons.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed my in-depth coverage of "Chopping Mall". It really is the best movie ever made about a bunch of people locked in a shopping mall overnight while being hunted by killer security robots. I'll still never understand why they couldn't just hide somewhere that a robot couldn't reach until morning when the mall opens up? Is it really that hard to survive one night in a mall??? I guess it is.

You'll also be glad to know that Chopping Mall is finally out on Blu-ray thanks to the return of Vestron Video! They also released Blood Diner too, so here's hoping we'll see many other Vestron releases in the near future. Personally, I'm hoping for The Lair of the White Worm!

By the way, remember how Protector 1 and Protector two fired "his & hers" pink and blue lasers earlier in the film and I suggested they might make a security robot offspring. Well, I'm here to report that they did... and it found me:

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