I wanted to get autographs and pictures with artists. I wanted to get kneed in the balls by a Storm Trooper. I wanted to be put in a headlock by some broad wearing next to nothing. I wanted to piss off some Nerds.

On the way out my house I grabbed a copy of Marvel's comic Quasar #1, which is probably the gayest comic ever. It would take the homocake at the Convention Of Homo Comics (COHC)... And it's not even intentionally gay. Unfortunately, I didn't have the chance to use the comic at the convention. I doubt the artist would have been at Comic-Con. I think Stan Lee decided to euthanize whoever was behind the idea of that comic anyway. I don't know why I even brought it up.

I grabbed one of my favorite DVD's; Teen Wolf, and I grabbed a Star Trek action figure. The black guy with the giant visor? Yeah, him. I was hoping to find the one black guy at Comic-Con and show him my toy. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so lonely.

I'm no stranger to conventions. I do conventions like Richard Gere does Gerbils. I GREASE THEM LIGHTLY THEN ROLL THEM AROUND THEM IN MY ASS! No, I'm kidding. The convention could never manage to get through the veritable Hair Forest between Thine Cheeks.

So I've been to a few before, but none of them get my browneye a' winkin' like Comic-Con - the largest Comic Book themed convention of them all. As I was walking up to the convention center with my brother I immediately started seeing freaks. Fat girls dressed up like Chun Li. Skinny guys dressed up like Agents from the Matrix. Beautiful women dressed up like Gimli. The irony!

The amount of women walking around wearing next-to-nothing was startling. They were mostly bitter-beer faced bitches, though. They would flaunt thongs, fishnet stockings and a perfect rack, but when they'd turn to look at me it was like the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. My back against the wall I screamed, "DON'T LOOK AT THE BUTTERFACE! DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES!" And like that, the Chinese guy standing next to me melted from fixating on her hideous visage. All that was left was a puddle of sopping curd, giant bifocals, a Simpson's Lunchbox and a copy of some obscure comic about a Big Tittied School Girl who's panties were constantly wrapped around her ankles.

With an estimated audience at around 60,000 attendees, I was merely a needle in a nerdstack. And despite a large number of zits, which, if simultaneously popped could propel Earth to a new solar system, there were a few notable personalities at Comic-Con. Uhhh... Wait, no there were not. “I heard Kevin Smith is here!” someone said. Nothing thrills me more than a bunch Kevin Smith freaks! "OMG OMG! Chasing Amy revolutionized blah blah blah and there was more to Dogma than blah blah but Mallrats showed titties blah blah." He was right. Mallrats was the best one. (editor's note: Actually, no it was "Clerks", asshole.) Hopefully the following pictures give you an idea of how low I had to sink in order to get some material.

I turned to a Bounty Hunter and told him that his line of action figure is probably the most common and least sought-after of all Star Wars toys. I also said that the buns in Leia’s hair had a touch of The Force which is why she let Luke hit it doggystyle over an Ewok urinal in a Village tree while Han Solo was rimming C3PO. "What? NOOOOOOO!" P.S. I think that was Protoclown under the mask.

So I'm just chillin' with my thumb up my ass when homeboy Levar Burton The Star Trek Action Figure starts to hump on some Trekkie's arm like he was humping for world peace and shit. I think she liked it 'cause she asked me if he came with batteries.

McClain: Dude, you totally just humped Cameron Diaz's arm.
Levar Burton: Hell yeah! Don't you know? Once you go black you never go back.
McClain: Hey, how come you don't wear this outfit on Reading Rainbow?
Levar Burton: Don't player hate, foo'.
McClain: "Butterfly in the sky. I can go twice as high! Take a look! *dah dah* It's in a book! *dah dah* A READING RAINBOW!"
Levar Burton: Fuck you honkey. That song was written by a white man!

Naturally The Cracker (a.k.a. tha' man) had to slap Big Dong Levar some skin for gettin' up in those guts like a champ.

After Levar showed that Trekkie lady his Ebony Rythym Stick, I caught a gentleman watching the LOTR3 preview. I stopped him and tried to explain the importance of Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox (was he ever!) and how it paved the way for movies like LOTR. "You know. Because the transitional scenes as he goes from geeky teen to a man/canine that surfs on a van, scratches girls on the back in closets and bites holes in root beer cans. WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BONE BOOF IN THE CLOSET ANYWAY? HUH?! AND SINCE WHEN WAS IT ACCEPTABLE FOR CONFEDERATE SOLDIERS TO BE WEREWOLVES?"

I was glancing at some of the overpriced shit at the ViewAskew (bless you) booth when I noticed this Kevin Smith wannabe. So I did what any other cynical bastard would do; I grabbed the closest photo of K. Smith and did a facial comparison. Yeah, I see what's going on here. You finally moved out of Mom's basement, got a job opening boxes of flyers for View Askew at a road show and now you're trying to look like Kevin Smith so that maybe someone will think you're him. Well, you're not fooling me asshole! I could tell right away that you weren't Kevin Smith because the first words out of your mouth were, "What are you doing?" KEVIN SMITH DOESN'T TALK, REMEMBER DUMMY!?

Seriously. I walked up to these two crazy broads and asked them if they could make a man out of me at Comic-Con. (It's a scientific fact that one actually becomes less of a man at comic book conventions) The one with the funny shit on her head (a can of noodle soup painted black) put me in a headlock while the other one spanked me with her whip. There are 1,509 nerds jerking off to that idea right now. (editor's note: Yes, McClain is one of them.)

One of the highlights was meeting Stan Sakai, artist of the Usagi Yojimbo line of comics. He was a helluva guy and was more than willing to pose for a picture. I have nothing bad to say about this man (out of fear a samurai rabbit will decapitate me).

He may look happy and welcoming, but he'll slice off your head in a heartbeat!

I was feeling frisky after my encounter with Stan, so I opted to do something carnal to a purely callow childhood figure. I whacked a Pokemon on its fuzzy little groin. I almost got thrown out, too, because I had to shove a bunch of kids out of my way for the photo shoot. The last thing I wanted was a picture of me grabbing Pikachu's nuts with little children in the frame.

My brother just barely caught this one. A storm trooper saw what I did and decided to take action. I had been waiting for this moment since I arrived. My gnads are still swollen. And large. Extremely large like a grapefruit. A hairy grapefruit? Yeah.

There were a few rooms where notable personalities in the comic world (declared losers in every other facet) opened themselves up for questioning. "Excuse me? Could you please tone it down a little? I'm trying to sleep."

After my nap I meandered back to the main floor and stumbled upon the Penny Arcade booth. We got to talking about this and that. Gabe mentioned something about how funny he thought I was and how he's such a huge fan of I-Mockery. "I should be getting your autograph!" he said. Damn right. His bald bodyguard didn't say much. Just kind of stared at me with that smoldering look in his eyes. (editor's note: That's "Tycho" from Penny Arcade, Watson. Sheesh...)

The truth is, when I told ol' Gabe (who didn't seem to be very happy at the moment) to make something for I-Mockery dot com, he said, "Who?" THANKS PENNY ARCADE!

note: I-Mockery going to try to get a booth at the 2004 Comic-Con. More news on that later.