Cool As Ice - Starring Vanilla Ice!
by: -RoG-


The Sugar Shack is the one place people in this small town can go to listen to live music. Unfortunately, the band on stage can't play their instruments and the singer is a pelvis-thrusting hairy-chested chump who would probably get kicked out of a karaoke bar the second he opened his mouth. Do you see where I'm going with this? Of course you do. Enter Vanilla Ice.

Ice makes his way into the Sugar Shack and he instantly sticks out like a Pollack painting in a retirement home. And that's when he and Kat notice each other and their eyes lock:

Jesus, look at the intensity in his face, big puffy lips and all... what woman could resist finding out what deep soul lies behind those mysterious sunglasses? Ice could have any woman he wanted in that town, and it looks like he's made his choice. And what better way to woo her than to put on his usual tour de force of music and dance?

Awww yeah! Ice gets up on stage and unplugs the band's equipment. His homeboy then starts scratchin' on the turntable and Ice busts out some mad rhymes:

"It's not what you say
It's how you say it
Give me a microphone
On stage, I'll display it
Playing me right and you'll get played out
Like Polka dots and people will shout
Dirty words cause you're a nerd
I'm first, you're third
It's absurd to think that you heard
Better rhymes than these
I'm bringing sucker MC's, down to their knees

As the grow slowly gets into the song complete with Ice's lyrical poetry, he grabs Kat and pulls her out onto the dance floor. She puts up a tiny struggle at first, but then she gives in and starts groovin' to the tunes. Soon enough, she's on the floor with Ice singing on top of her. Damn he sure knows how to work the ladies fast! Kat's boyfriend, Rick, is clearly not happy about things and after the song is over, he drags her out of the club. They argue for a bit and when Nick starts bitching about how she won't put out for him, she replies ,"You know something Nick? You really are a dick." OH SNAP!

So Kat decides to walk home instead of ride with Mr. Dick, and all of a sudden the thugs that were hanging out at her house earlier in the day appear behind her. They then speed up to seemingly run her over when Ice appears from out of nowhere on his motorcycle to save her. How did Ice know she was in trouble? How did any of them not hear his loud motorcycle coming from a mile away? I guess that's just Ice's little secret.

He drives Kat home and when he drops her off, he asks her, "So yo, what's up with tomorrow? What are we doing?" Smooth Ice, real smooth. Kat tells him that she's waiting to get her organizer back, because he apparently stole it. Ice really just found it earlier on the ground when he made her fall off the horse at the start of the movie. "Looky, looky in Kat's black booky." Word Ice, word.

Ice heads back on down the highway and notices Rick the Dick and some other guys smashing in a motorcycle. This kind of thing doesn't make Ice happy...

Ice: So, whassup fellas?
Dick: Just doing a little a batting practice on your bike.
Ice: It's not mine. It's Sir D.'s
Dick: Who is Sir D.
Ice: He's my homeboy.

Then a fight naturally breaks out and it's Ice against everybody else. Who ya got?

The fight is allllllllll Ice baby. What's great is that while he's fighting, he'll do some of his dancing spins to dodge a punch and get the upper-hand on his opponents. And when he punches them? You're treated to that classic early 90s "symphony hit" sound effect that was in just about every single dance song from that time period. Ice doesn't even break a sweat and after he's kicked their collective asses, he walks away and says "See ya, Dick." Settle down ladies, this heartthrob has only just begun!

Kat wakes to find a piece of ice dripping into her mouth compliments of V-Ice himself. Now even though the name of his character in this movie is "Johnny", he clearly didn't want the audience to forget that he was really Vanilla Ice. Hence, the ice cube has a deep symbolic meaning. Don't worry Ice, we couldn't forget it was you if we tried.

So Kat asks him what he's doing there and Ice responds, "Yo, you axed me." and then returns the black book to her. She then surprises Ice by reading his name off his driver's license that she pick-pocketed off of him. They have a few laughs and run around the room chasing each other. Awww!

After teasing him some more, Kat then gives his license (and Monique's digits) back to Ice and claims they're even. She then tells Ice that she'll see him later. And how does the mack-daddy Ice respond to this dismissal? He looks her dead in the eyes and says in a soft voice, "You're seein' me now." This soon leads to Kat starting to take off her shirt in front of Ice. Goddamn, this guy could get any woman he wanted. Not only is he a lyrical poet and a crazy dancer, but he's a romantic mastermind as well.

Sorry fellas, you won't be seeing Kat take off her shirt. Just before she's about to undo another button, her little brother walks in the door and ruins the whole moment. Ice plays it cool and hides the fact that he's incredibly disappointed. Tommy asks if Ice is her new boyfriend and if Ice will take him for a ride on his motorcycle "as soon as you're done making sex?" This naturally embarrasses the hell out of Kat and Ice decides to leave. "Yo Kat, if you need me, I'll be outsiiiiide." Oh she needs you Ice, she needs you bad!

While Ice's crew stays behind in a cloud of smoke caused by the wacky old couple working on the broken motorcycle, he and Kat ride off to enjoy a day of fun in the sun.

So they arrive at this construction site and Ice starts asking Kat questions about her life and her family. He wants to know what it's like having a family. Because his character is just a rebel who has no home, who has no family. "It ain't where you're from, it's where you're at anyway. And right now I'm here with you, Kat." These slick words lead into what very well may be the most embarrassing filmed moments of Vanilla Ice's career.

With his striped shorts (or boxers?) and suspenders flapping in the wind, Ice and Kat start running around the construction site in slow motion to the sound of an upbeat dance song. I'm honestly amazed that he even went along with the idea for this sequence, as it seems to go against everything he stood for at the time. This isn't the tough honkey rapper from the streets we all knew...

This looks more like a guy who belongs on the cover of Teen Magazine along with the other members of his boy band. The jovial slow-mo gayness continues onward, and every now and then it cuts back to scenes of Ice discussing his philosophies on life with Kat. For example: "You ain't true to yourself, then you ain't true to nobody. Live your life for someone else, then you ain't livin'. Straight up fact." Word. It's talk like this that makes Kat really start to fall for Ice, and soon enough, she's all over him like white on rice... er... ice.

How do they go from the desert to a grassy field with a horse and then back to the desert again in a matter of minutes? I guess when you're Cool As Ice, time doesn't exist.

It's kind of like watching Janet Jackson's "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" music video, but instead of acrobatic muscle men and Seal, you have Vanilla Ice jumping around and shaking his ass with his suspenders hanging down. Magnificent!



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