People were
worried that Count Pop might not make a return this year. Since his story from last
year, Count Pop has become an international superstar: topping the
album charts without even releasing a record, winning the Oscar without
appearing in a movie, and becoming President of the World without even
being elected. With such fame and fortune, it's amazing to think that he
still takes time out of his busy schedule to entertain the readers of
I-Mockery come Halloween every year. Today, Count Pop invites us to tag along with him
for an adventure filled with action and romance!
HEY HEY
HEY THERE DADDIOS! IT'S YOUR SUPER ROCKABILLY PAL, COUNT POP, HERE TO TAKE
YOU FOR A RIDE ON THE WILD SIDE! TODAY I AM GOING ON A BLIND DATE! WHY
THEY CALL THEM BLIND DATES I DO NOT KNOW BECAUSE I AM NOT BLIND AND SHE
HAD BETTER NOT BE. IF SHE IS, THAT WILL BE TOO BAD FOR HER,
BECAUSE I AM QUITE THE LOOKER IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF! BUNS OF STEEL! I AM
ALSO REALLY SMOOTH WITH THE LADIES SO I GOT HER A SPOOKY BLACK ROSE! WHEN
SHE SEES IT, SHE WILL BECOME FRIGHTENED AND ASK ME TO HOLD HER AND PROTECT
HER FROM ITS SPOOKINESS! MAYBE I CAN SING "EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN" TO
HELP SET THE MOOD. AND THAT'S HOW YOU SCORE BIG POINTS WITH THE LADIES,
FELLAS!
*KNOCK*
*KNOCK*
COUNT POP: HELLO PRETTY LADY! MY NAME IS
COUNT, COUNT POP AND I'M YOUR DENSITY! I MEAN, I'M YOUR DESTINY! HAHAHA
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE "BACK TO THE FUTURE"? SO HEY, I BROUGHT YOU THIS BLACK
ROSE!
POP BRIDE: OOOOOO! *MUNCH* *MUNCH* *MUNCH*
COUNT POP: WELL, SINCE YOU ATE THE ROSE I
GUESS THIS MEANS I DON'T HAVE TO SPRING FOR A BOX OF CHOCOLATES LATER ON.
AND COUNT POP'S LOYAL FANBASE KNOWS THAT HE'S ALL ABOUT TWO THINGS:
CHICKEN FAJITAS AND SAVING MONEY! ANYWAY, I HAVE A WONDERFUL DATE
OF WONDROUS WONDERMENT AND MAGIC PLANNED FOR US! ARE YOU READY TO GO?
*MINUTES
LATER, AFTER A RECKLESS
5000MPH SPEED-DEMON DRIVE IN
COUNT POP'S "POP-MOBILE",
THEY ARRIVE AT VENICE BEACH*
COUNT POP: NOW BEFORE WE GO HAVE FUN IN THE
SUN WITH EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A GUN, IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE PROTECT
OUR EYES. AS YOU KNOW, OUR EYES ARE OUR WINDOWS TO THE WORLD AND IF YOU
DON'T TAKE CARE OF THEM, THEY'LL SHATTER JUST LIKE REAL GLASS WINDOWS. I'VE
SEEN THE SUN DO THIS TO THE EYEBALLS OF SOME VERY CLOSE FRIENDS OF MINE
AND IT WASN'T A PRETTY SIGHT. SO WHAT DO YA THINK ABOUT THIS PAIR? I THINK THEY'D LOOK LIKE THE BEES KNEES ON YOUR PRETTY MUG!
COUNT POP: YES! YES INDEEDY! WE HAVE A
WINNER!
COUNT POP: SAAAAY! I LOOK LIKE A MOVIE STAR
WITH THESE ON! OR AT LEAST I LOOK LIKE ONE OF THE COPS FROM THAT "CHIPS"
TV SHOW. ALL I NEED IS A POLICE UNIFORM AND A MOTORCYCLE AND THE LADIES
WILL GLADLY HAVE ME PUT THEM "UNDER HOUSE ARREST" IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
PLUS, WITH THESE MIRRORED GLASSES, ALL THE LADIES CAN FIX THEIR MAKE-UP
WHILE I STARE AT THEM. IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION!
COUNT POP: I TOLD YOU THIS WAS GONNA BE A
GREAT DAY, MY BONA-FIDE BEACH BRIDE BABE! THE SUN IS SHINING, THE SAND IS
SANDING, THE WATER IS WET, AND WE'RE HERE FOR ACTION, FUN AND ROMANCE!
COUNT POP: CAN YOU SMELL IT? THAT'S THE SMELL
OF THE OCEAN! WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT THAT WHALES COULD PRODUCE SUCH A
PIQUANT STINK? THEN AGAIN, MAYBE THAT'S JUST THE COLOGNE I PUT ON TO WOO
YOU WITH! DON'T WORRY, I'M SURE YOUR KNEES ARE GETTING WEAK FROM THIS
EXPERIENCE, SO I'LL HOLD ONTO YOU REAL CLOSE JUST LIKE THE BIG BOPPER
WOULD!
COUNT POP: HA HA! BEACH-GOERS ARE SO WEIRD!
LOOK AT THAT ONE! SHE HAS HER BUTTOCKS SHINING IN THE SUN FOR ALL THE
CHILDREN TO SEE! AND HERE I THOUGHT THAT SHINY BUTTOCKS WERE ONLY USED AS
THE MATING CALL OF WILD MONKEYS AND GORILLAS!
COUNT POP: HEY LOOK! APPARENTLY YOU CAN
DISPOSE OF YOUR BELLY FAT IN THIS HANDY TRASH CAN! I'M SURE YOU'VE BEEN
WANTING TO GET RID OF SOME OF THAT BELLY FAT, WOULD YOU CARE TO MAKE A
DEPOSIT?
COUNT POP: AWWW... WHY SO GLUM, CHUM? YOU
KNOW YOUR POPTACULAR PAL IS ONLY KIDDING! IF YOU READ ABOUT ME ON ONE OF
THE THOUSANDS OF COUNT POP INTERNET FAN SITES, YOU'D KNOW I REFUSE TO DATE WOMEN
WHO WEIGH MORE THAN 40 POUNDS SIMPLY BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THEM EATING ALL
OF MY HALLOWEEN CANDY! I FIGURE THE SKINNY ONES DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO
LIFT THE CANDIES TO THEIR MOUTHS... OR FEND OFF MY PASSIONATE ADVANCES FOR
THAT MATTER! CRAZY WOW!
COUNT POP: LOOOOOOOK! IT'S A NATURAL
SAND-SLIDE! THESE HAVE BEEN AROUND SINCE LONG BEFORE THE DINOSAURS WERE ALIVE!
AND WHEN THE DINOSAURS WERE STILL HOPPIN' AND A BOPPIN', THEY TOO WOULD GO
FOR A RIDE DOWN THESE SAND SLIDES FOR THE BEST OF TIMES! WHAT SAY WE GIVE
IT A SHOT!? OH YEAH, YOU'RE WEARING A SKIRT, NO PROBLEM! YOU CAN CATCH ME
INSTEAD! HERE I COME!
COUNT POP: WOOOOOOOOO! SLIDING INTO THE ARMS
OF A LOVED ONE FROM ATOP A SANDY MOUNTAIN IS PRETTY MUCH THE BEST THING
EVER! EVEN BETTER THAN ROCKIN' AN ELECTRIC EEL INTO SUBMISSION WITH MY
ELECTRIC GUITAR AND A TUNE ABOUT THE GOOD OL' DAYS!
COUNT POP: OH SAND! WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS TRY
TO HITCHHIKE A RIDE WITH ME FROM INSIDE MY SHOES AND UNDEROOS? STAY ON THE
BEACH WHERE YOU BELONG, FOR IT IS A MUCH MORE EXCITING AND FAR LESS STINKY
PLACE TO BE!
COUNT POP: LOOK AT THE BIRDS ON VENICE BEACH!
THEY HAVE EVOLVED AND LEARNED HOW TO USE DINNERWARE FOR THEIR MEALS! HELLO
PRETTY BIRD! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT CUP FILLED WITH WATER? DO YOU OWN SOME
OF MY GREATEST HITS ALBUMS TOO?