COUNT POP: WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BAT, I USED TO
FLY AROUND JUST LIKE THOSE BIRDS BACK THERE! SOMETIMES I WOULD EVEN FLY WITH THEM
AND WE'D SING SOME ROCKABILLY TUNES IN THE SKIES TOGETHER WHILE SEARCHING
FOR THE NEAREST HOTDOG STAND! HEY, LET'S GO SAY HI TO THOSE BIRDS AND SEE
IF THEY REMEMBER ME!
COUNT POP: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HEARD
THAT, BUT AS THE BIRDS FLEW AWAY THEY SAID, "YES COUNT POP! WE REMEMBER
YOU AND THINK YOU ARE THE BEST HOPPIN' DRAC-U-ROCKIN' DUDE IN THE WEST,
BUT WE ARE TOO INTIMIDATED BY YOUR SUPERSTAR PRESENCE AND MUST FLY AWAY TO
FIND A HOTDOG STAND AND CALM OUR NERVES!" IT'S OK BIRDS, I TOTALLY
UNDERSTAND! I USUALLY NEED TO CALM MY NERVES WITH A HOT DOG OR A CORN DOG
OR AT THE VERY LEAST A KOOKY WIENERSCHNITZEL, BIG DADDY!
COUNT POP: WHILE MY FLESH MAY BE FILLED WITH
TOO MANY SUPER-WHEELIE POWERS TO BE PENETRATED BY A REGULAR TATTOO ARTIST,
I CAN STILL GET A HENNA TATTOO NO PROBLEM! AND LOOK! I THINK I FOUND JUST
THE ONE THAT TRULY DEFINES YOUR POPSTER PAL AS THE MAN HE IS DEEP DOWN
INSIDE!
COUNT POP: "NAKED" WAS SUCH AN IMPORTANT
CHOICE THAT IT WAS OFFERED NOT ONCE, BUT *TWICE* ON THEIR BOARD. THE
NAKEDNESS WAS CALLING OUT TO ME, AND I WAS MORE THAN WILLING TO WELCOME
IT INTO MY OPEN ARMS AND BRING IT TO THE WARM SANDY BEACHES SO IT WOULDN'T
GET ANY GOOSE BUMPS! REMEMBER, WE ALL KNOW THAT GOOSE BUMPS ARE AN EARLY SIGN OF CANCER
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE ZODIAC KIND! GET YOURSELF CHECKED FOR
GOOSEBUMPS TODAY! EARLY DETECTION IS YOUR BEST DEFENSE! THAT AND STAYING
AWAY FROM GEESE!
COUNT POP: WHY YES MR. HENNA TATTOO ARTIST, I
DO USE CURÉL
MOISTURIZING LOTION ON MY HANDS AND I APPRECIATE YOU COMPLIMENTING ME ON
THEIR SOFT SMOOTHNESS! MIGHT I ADD THAT YOUR HAIR FLOWS FORTH FROM THE BACK OF
YOUR BASEBALL CAP LIKE A RIVER OF SILKY GOLD? YES I MIGHT!
COUNT POP: UH OH GUYS! SHE'S MAKING THE "L"
SYMBOL! YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT FELLAS, IT MEANS
SHE'S FALLEN IN LOVE WITH MY NAKED SELF! THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO
DO NOW!
COUNT POP: THESE LIPS WERE MADE FOR WALKIN'!
AND THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY'LL DO! ONE OF THESE DAYS THESE LIPS ARE GONNA
KISS YOU ON THE FACE! DO YOU LIKE HOW I CHANGED THOSE SONG LYRICS? THAT'S
HOW I CHARM THE LADIES BEFORE I GO IN FOR THE ROMANTIC KILL! JUST LOOK, I
BLEW HER GLASSES WIDE OPEN WITH MY RADIOACTIVE CHARM! BUT OK, SHE'S STILL
PLAYING HARD-TO-GET. I CAN APPRECIATE THAT. THIS IS A LADY WITH DYNAMIC
DIGNITY! IT'S TIME TO TAKE HER BACK TO THE "POP PAD" FOR A ROMANTIC
CANDLELIGHT DINNER TO CLOSE THE DEAL AND SHOW HER I'M FOR REAL!
COUNT POP: A BLEEDING CANDLELIGHT DINNER BY
THE FIREPLACE ON A DUSTY FOLDING CARD TABLE? WHAT COULD BE MORE ROMANTIC?
OH AND DON'T WORRY MY LADY, I BROKE OUT THE FANCY CRYSTAL GLASSES FOR A
DRINK I'VE BEEN KEEPING IN MY SECRET CELLAR RESERVE FOR A VERY SPECIAL
SOMEBODY!
COUNT POP: A VINTAGE 2006 BOTTLE OF JONES
"MONSTER MOJITO" FLAVORED SODA! SEE MY LITTLE SASSAFRAS? I TOLD YA IT'D BE
NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU! I'M SURE YOU'LL LOVE ITS RICH, OAKY, BUTTERY
FLAVOR THAT GOES DOWN SMOOTH LIKE A MOJITO MOSQUITO ON A WATERSLIDE OF
BEE-BOPPIN' BODACIOUSNESS! BOTTOM'S UP! DOWN THE HATCH! CHUG-A-LUG MY
LOVELY LADYBUG!
COUNT POP: YES DRINK! DRINK THE MOJITO! DRINK
TO OUR LOVE! DRINK TO THE FUTURE! DRINK TO BACKSEAT BINGO! NOW YOU JUST
HOLD ON TIGHT WITH YOUR HAIR THAT LOOKS MORE DELICIOUS JUST LIKE THE TOP
OF A HOSTESS CUPCAKE! YOU JUST HOLD ON TIGHT AND FINISH UP YOUR DRINK
WHILE I GO CHECK ON THE FINE CUISINE I'VE BEEN PREPARING US!
COUNT POP: LITTLE DOES SHE KNOW THAT I'VE
BEEN COOKING UP QUITE A FEAST! WHAT BETTER WAY TO FIRE UP HER ENGINES THAN
TO GIVE HER THE HOT, ZESTY GOODNESS OF DORITOS! I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER
WAY TO SPICE THINGS UP A BIT! WELL I COULD, BUT IT WOULD INVOLVE
INTERGALACTIC SPACE DOLPHINS AND HOT-RODS! BUT STILL, THIS SHOULD WORK
TOO!
COUNT POP: HERE YOU GO MY FRISKY FELINE FROM
ROCK CENTRAL, U.S.A.! ENJOY THE BOLD FLAVOR OF SOME WARM DORITOS! NOTICE
HOW THEY RECENTLY CHANGED THEIR PACKAGE DESIGN TO LOOK MORE RADICAL?
THAT'S BECAUSE THE OLD BAGS WERE CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN' AND COULDN'T
HANDLE THE PUNCH THAT THESE DOO-DADS PACKED WITH EACH AND EVERY CRUNCH!
WHAT'S
WRONG? OHHHH I GET IT! I SEE YOU'RE NOT REALLY HUNGRY AND I KNOW HOW YOU
GROOVY GALS ARE ALWAYS WATCHING YOUR FIGURES... ALMOST AS MUCH AS I'M
WATCHING YOUR FIGURES HAHAHAHA! SO TELL YA WHAT, LET'S END THIS DAY RIGHT!
NO, I'M NOT TAKING YOU TO "LOVER'S LANE" OR ANYTHING, THAT'D BE FAR TOO
HOKEY. THE COUNT POP KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE TO TAKE A SPECIAL LADY LIKE YOU!
*MOMENTS
LATER*
COUNT POP: SOOOOO... WHADDAYA THINK MY LUCKY
LADY, MY BOMBASTIC BABE! DID I READ YOUR MIND OR WHAT?
POP BRIDE: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
COUNT POP: WHOAH! SETTLE DOWN THERE MY
CHEETAH WOMAN, WE'RE IN A PUBLIC PLACE! SAVE THAT FIERY LUST FOR THE
BACKSEAT BINGO I MENTIONED EARLIER ON!
COUNT POP: *BFWAARG!*
COUNT POP: I THINK OUR FIRST DATE WENT REALLY
WELL, BETTER THAN ALMOST ANY OTHER I'VE BEEN ON IN RECENT MEMORY! THEN
AGAIN, ALL THE LADIES ARE CONSTANTLY BANGIN' DOWN MY DOOR FOR A SHOT AT
THE POPSTER, SO MY MEMORY DOES GET A BIT HAZY! WHO KNOWS, MAYBE IF THIS
RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T WORK OUT ONE OF YOU LUCKY LADIES WILL PERHAPS
GET A RAP-A-TAP-TAP ON YOUR DOOR AND WHEN YOU OPEN IT, YOU'LL FIND YOUR
DREAMY KNIGHT IN SHINING HAIR GEL WAITING TO TAKE YOU ON THE BIGGEST
ADVENTURE YOU'VE EVER BEEN ON! WISHFUL THINKING, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW...
COUNT POP JUST MIGHT COME RATTLE YOUR CAGE WITH ALL THE ROCKABILLY RAGE OF
HIS INTERNATIONAL STARDOM!
UNTIL
THEN, HAVE A HAPPY HALLOWEEN, HEPCATS!
Questions or comments about this article? Email -RoG-
