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The
Story of
Wally the Crouton Once upon a salad there was a crouton named Wally. Wally hated the fact that he was a crouton. After all, he didn't have much to look forward to, for the life of a crouton is a short one. If you're a crouton, one of two things is going to happen to you. You could get consumed and pooped out by someone who eats croutons with their salad. Or, you could get shoved aside by the occasional salad-eater that says "I don't like croutons in my salad! They taste bad! Make them go away!" Should that happen to a crouton, it will just get thrown in the trash and end up in a landfill and slowly decompose into nothing. A life completely wasted.
Well, Wally was a rare crouton. A needle in a haystack. A tumor in a colon. A monkey in a rabbit. Wally knew that his future was grim and he wasn't about to sit around and take it in the crouton butt. Wally was the master of his fate and he decided to hop right on out o' that salad and begin an adventurous lifestyle! So off he went!
The first thing Wally decided to do was to become an astronaut. He really liked how the astronaut outfit looked on him. He looked like quite the studly crouton! He loved floating around above the planet Earth. For once he was looking down on everybody else.
But then the alien invaders came and started bothering him. They shot lazer thingies at him and made fun of how a good loaf of Italian bread would taste much better than he ever could. This made Wally mad. So he went back down to earth, because he wasn't about to spend the rest of his days being shot by alien lazer thingies while being compared to Italian bread. Go Wally!
So Wally landed in Japan and was instantly picked up by a local entertainment network that was working on a new anime show. They figured Wally would be perfect quirky sidekick character that children around the world would grow to love. But Wally refused to smile, claiming it would destroy his artistic integrity. And no child loves a quirky sidekick character that doesn't ever smile. In fact, Wally's unpleasant demeanor made many-a-child cry. So, Wally was quickly written out of the show and banned from the country. He didn't mind though, cuz he couldn't speak Japanese anyway.
"Enough with this work crap!", Wally proclaimed, "I'm gonna go have some fun!" And so Wally returned to the United States to catch a live rock concert. He saw that a band called "Cannibal Corpse" was playing and thought it might be a fun concert to check out. So he bought himself a ticket and a Cannibal Corpse T-Shirt and went to the show full of hope. "This is gonna be great!", he thought to himself. Wally was in for a big shock though. The music that was being played scared Wally. It scared him to death. And as if that wasn't bad enough, all of the people listening to it seemed to be fighting. Oh no! Wally was caught in the middle of a metal maniac mosh pit! Run for your life Wally! GET OUTTA THERE!
Wally ended up getting his nice new shirt completely torn to shreds and he almost lost his "cool dude shades". Wally was just happy to get out of there in one piece. Wally decided that he would stay away from concerts for the rest of his life because he didn't want the scary people that growled a lot to hurt him ever again. Being unable to relate to the younger generation's music made Wally feel very old. So, he decided to check himself into a retirement community.
Although the old people at the retirement home were nice, Wally really didn't like it there. Everything was routine and there was no excitement. Every single day was planned out in the exact same way. And Wally never could quite grasp the concept of the game "Bingo", so he always lost which made him mad. To make matters worse, the old people always tried to give Wally their leftover applesauce at dinner time. They told him that it would make him grow big and strong. Wally hated that applesauce. He hated it more than life itself. He even vowed to some day put an end to applesauce forever!
Wally made up his mind that he was a loner. A REBEL. So Wally decided to live the life of a lonesome cowboy out West. He got himself a dandy cowboy hat and even indulged in Red Man chewing tobacco, just like a real cowboy! He was loving his life as a cowboy. Wide open space, beautiful scenery, fresh air. What more could a crouton ask for? Wally figured he had it made as he kicked back to watch the sunset.
Well, no lifestyle is perfect, and all the local cowboys told Wally that if he wanted to be a REAL cowboy he would have to pass "the rodeo test". Wally would have to ride the local crazy bull, Edna, for a full 20 seconds without being thrown off in order to pass the test!
As you can imagine, Wally didn't last 2 seconds on big Edna, the mean bull. Edna practically trampled the heck out of poor ol' Wally. So, he dusted himself off, hung up his cowboy hat and headed out to California to become a surfer. A cowboy he was not, but a pro surfer? Maybe, just maybe he could do that!
But you'll never know whether Wally could have become a pro surfer or not, because on his way to California... Wally got eaten by an angry ferret!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH NO!
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