| |||||||||||||
| |||||||||||||
|
Father O'Cutleybits's words slice into your awareness like tiny verbal daggers, and through a hazy squiggle of blurred wavy lines, you suddenly recall your very first..."pondering" experience, or rather what led to it. There you were sitting on Aunt Mabel's couch, and she was upstairs helping the plumber lay pipe or something or other, and you were flipping channels on the television, in an effort to both stave off the boredom and to cover up the disturbing array of noises that plumbers evidently make when they lay pipe. Suddenly, in the quick successive flash of images caused by your channel flipping, you recognized the smiling square-jawed face of Superman and decided to stop. He was talking to Batman and they seemed to be surrounded by other heroes. Ho ho! A league of heroes! What a novel idea! You'd never seen the Superfriends before and you were fascinated by the idea of all these colorful heroes working together toward the common goal of ridding the world of costumed villainy. You never had any exposure to any superheroes but Batman and Superman, so these other new ones fascinated you. Particularly the magnificent vision standing in the background between Bats and Supes.
Gold tiara. Red, white and blue costume with gold trim. Lasso dangling down upon mighty curvacious hip, and red knee high boots from which rose muscular yet feminine gams that a man would kill to feel wrapped around him. Yes, all of these things came together to form Wonder Woman, the annoying obstacle that would occasionally butt her ugly head in to cover up your dreamy vision standing aloofly in the back, leaning cooly against the wall without a care in the world.
For there stood the magnificent Aquaman, whose soft elfin features [Wait a fucking minute, Proto. Aquaman? Didn't you work him into the story last year? Isn't Aquaman in like, every one of these Choose Your Own Adventure stories? - Editor] made your heart jump and your loins stir [Dude, it's a brilliant meta-story running gag! Don't fuck with my vision. This is going to be really funny, trust me. - Proto]. Your hands roamed naughtily into your "bathing suit area" even as you marveled at Aquaman's tight fitting [No. Seriously, this is lame and old. Everyone expects an Aquaman joke. There's not a single person who clicked on this page who didn't see this coming. Come up with something original. - Editor] orange scaled bathing suit of his own [Rog, I can't come up with anything else. I sat and stared at this for two days. I got nothing. But look. It's Aquaman. Aquaman is lame, and that makes him funny. Plus, I'm throwing in homoeroticism. That's a fucking RECIPE for comedy. - Proto]. Aquaman, lord of the fishes, and lord of...your heart? You could not deny the LURE of his magnetism, HOOKING your heart and REELING you in [Okay, and now you throw in fucking horrible fishing puns on top of all this other crap? That's it, pal, you're through. Either rewrite this shit or I'll get someone else to do this page - Editor] after CASTING out his LINE of love [FUCK YOU, STORY NAZI - Proto]. [That's it, this page is CANCELLED! - Editor] |
