Hoping to distract the killer, you hum a series of beeps and boops that make up a disastrous version of the opening suite of the opera "Carmen." He makes no sign to indicate that he thinks his cellphone is ringing, but maybe you just picked the wrong song. You try a different one.

The Muppet Show theme? Nope, still no reaction.

The theme to the A-Team? Not a flinch.

The Star Wars theme doesn't yield any results either.

It's not the theme to Airwolf or Magnum PI, not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Transformers or Knightrider or Bonanza. Maybe not a movie or TV series theme then? The killer doesn't respond when you hum Forgot About Dre, Jump, or We Are The Champions. Not a frown at Darling Nikki, Another Brick In The Wall, or even YMCA. Okay... okay. Maybe he's got one of those doohickeys where you can just record any old sound as your ringtone.

For the next thirty minutes, you're making every sound you can think of, from barking dogs, to sisters screaming at you to get the hell out of the bathroom, to a beer bottle breaking and someone screaming he's going to cut out your cheating heart, to James Earl Jones telling you to get your damn phone out of his face, to a seriously horrible case of the runs echoing through a sordid back alley, to the kind of crying sound a baby makes when you twist its arm. Never does the killer do anything but stand right there, and eventually your friends get bored and calmly walk back to the camping grounds.

Eventually your throat feels like an tube of sandpaper lined with steel wool, and you sound like a 50-year old aunt that's smoked a pipe all her life. As you fall over forward in exhaustion, the killer finally either gets bored with your antics, or pissed off that you stopped your performance, and makes quick work of disemboweling you. You exhale your last breath, gurgling "aaargharglblurblarb." As the darkness sets in, the last thing you see is the killer looking up distracted, taking out his cellphone, and beginning to fruitlessly say "hello?" into it.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? GOOD! START OVER!