You look over at Mongoose and Tough Chick with admiration, knowing that they're prepared to die defending the other children of Camp Chopleton from this large bearded freak. There's a beautiful nobility in that, you think, right before you turn tail and run, never looking back. You decide to turn back into the woods under the cover of the trees and leave those other suckers back on the soccer field out in the open to make for easy targets. You've never run so fast in your life, and you imagine that if this were a comic book, you'd be running fast enough to break across some imaginary barrier into another dimension.

And that's right about the point that you hit the Ewok. Wait a minute--EWOK?? Okay, so maybe you DID cross over into another dimension, because last you heard, Ewoks weren't indigenous to oh, say, REALITY. You rub your knuckles in your eyes in disbelief, shouting a challenge to the Ewok. "You can't be real! Fucker!"

The Ewok merely replies with "Yub yub!" and stoops to throw its feces at you, when suddenly a bizarre alien-looking man with a cotton swab for a head comes out of the trees. "Hello!" he calls out enthusiastically. "I am Khugnbar Vrootlethyrwomperl. Nice to meet you." What a ridiculous name, you think... sounds almost like something George Lucas would have come up with.

"Where am I?" you ask Captain Q-Tip, and he folds his hands neatly in front of his chest and says "Welcome to the Special Edition of the 'Choose Your Own Adventure Story Episode IV: Return of the Phantom Beardy Killer'. You've somehow managed to escape the reality of the other story and land yourself into this one, full of updated characters and improved special effects!"

"Guh," you manage to spit out in utter confusion. "Take me for example," Captain Q-Tip continues, "why, I have nothing to do with this story at all, but the high-ups at I-Mockery have included me anyway, just so they could sell my action figure. And look at these updated special effects! The text is much sharper now than it was on the last page, wouldn't you say? And THIS version of the story is much more kid-friendly too. Come on, let's go down to Lollipop Lane and I'll tell you all about it!" he smiles warmly.

You wish you could ask him what it feels like to be beaten to death with an Ewok, but unfortunately he's not around to answer that question anymore. The good news is that the clean up isn't really that much of a bitch at all, since his cotton swab head just soaks up all the blood with ease. Ewoks are good for soaking up blood too, as it turns out.

The downside? You're still stuck in this god-awful Special Edition, forced to remain for the rest of your days.

SINCE "THE FORCE" OBVIOUSLY ISN'T WITH YOU, START OVER!