You take the mug out of your pocket and briefly relieve at the sudden release of the pressure it was exerting on your groin. But you don't have much time, the killer's still approaching. How to unlock the mug's fantastic powers? You start rubbing it furiously while mumbling "I believe in me... I believe in me...", when suddenly...

KAZAAM!

A giant, blue Dr. Phil emerges from the mug's cavernous depths.

"GREETINGS YOUNG WARRIOR!!" he bellows, and laughs heartily. "YOU HAVE TRULY FOUND THE INNER SOURCE OF SPIRITUAL EMPOWERMENT AND MAY HAVE YOUR HEART'S GREATEST WISH!!"

"Shouldn't that be three wishes?" you hazard.

"THREE??" Phil roars. "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A FUCKING GENIE??"

You choose not to answer that because you're secretly a little afraid of Dr. Phil. It's kind of uncanny how he sees into people's souls and extracts their darkest secrets and personality flaws until they're nothing but crying heaps of protoplasm. It's even more uncanny how people are lining up to be torn apart by the vampiric walrus.

"Never mind." you finally reply. "My greatest wish, hm?"

You start imagining a life of fame and glory. A life in boundless luxury and wealth, where you never have to work again. A steady relationship with a girl who'll support you and not bug you about getting a job.

You break off when you realize the bearded killer is just a few feet away from you.

"Phil!!" you exclaim urgently. "I wish for you to whisk me away from here to the life of my dreams!!"

Dr. Phil claps his hands together and laughs. "YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND..." he says, and finishes ominously: "...FOR NOW."

A cloud of magical vapors envelop you, as you sense the very fabric of time and space is being rearranged to alter your cosmic destiny. As the wave dissipates, you experience an inexplicable sense of dread crashing in on you like an abusive uncle's penis in the night. Holy shit, you hope Dr. Phil didn't hear you think that. Then, as you open a new set of eyelids and look upon the world, you understand that no feelings of fear or desperation in your previous life could even compare to what you're looking at.

NO!! This can't be!! You suppose you got your wish, but... at what cost? This is inhuman!! This is beyond cruelty!! This is --

Your thoughts are stilled by a voice cold as ice, that you know could shatter granite if used at full volume, whispering venomously at you: "Stop fidgeting! Look at me when I'm talking to you! Tuck in your shirt! You are in SO much trouble when we get home!"

Distantly, you can hear Dr. Phil's laughter.

WHEN YOU SAY "LIFE OF MY DREAMS" BE SURE TO CLARIFY THAT YOU DON'T MEAN A "NIGHTMARE", JACKASS. START OVER!