Suddenly, the murderous chaos around you seems to slow down, then stop. Floating in front of you kind of the way Yoda’s astral form floated in front of Luke Skywalker back when Star wars movies didn’t suck, is Captain Skywarp Hypergay...

...the bizarrely out of place character you fought way back near the beginning of the story.

"THE HUMPTY DANCE IS YOUR CHANCE TO DO THE HUMP!" he reminds you, and then fades away. Time begins to speed back up, and you have only moments to decide what, if anything, that might mean.

You let your mind drift back in the day, 1990, you’re a tyke in diapers, and something is a-playin’ on the radio. The gun slips from your fingers.

‘WHAT THE SWEET BUMPIN’ JEEBLIES ARE YOU DOING, YOU TOOL?!?" Screams mongoose, pulling a wide assortment of guns, knives and ammo belts from Tough Chicks absurdly tight pants.

"The Humpty Dance"

You murmur, slowly walking forward. "...your chance to do the hump" Yellow eyes bearded real tall killer guy lobs an axe at you, but in your trance state it seems you have all the time in the world to bend backwards Matrix like and let the lethal weapon tumble over you harmlessly.

"Do the Humpty Hump," you say, distantly aware of the unmistakable sound of the axe that you ducked cleaving Francis’s skull. "Come on and do the Humpty Hump, Do the Humpty Hump," You murmur, passing Tough chick, feeling the heat coming off her uselessly chattering machine gun. There’s something here, some memory. The song, the radio playing, your mother and father in the kitchen, shouting at each other as Shock ‘Humpty’ G raps "...just watch me do the Humpty Hump"

You turn sideways, let another axe slip by you and come to rest in the face area of Quirky Asian Girl, who’s face becomes briefly even more Quirky right before it stops being anything you might remotely think of as a face. Is that Chin Myu shrieking unintelligibly, or is it your father shouting?

"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO SPEAK OF THE KID MY BROTHER THEODORE WHO I’VE CONVENIENTLY NEVER TOLD OUR SON ABOUT AND HIS FRIENDS KILLED UP AT SUMMER CAMP!" he shouts "I DON’T KNOW WHY I EVER CONFIDED THE FACT I’M RELATED TO A MURDERER TO YOU!"

"Do ya know what I'm doin?" Shock G asks?, and the big ass killer with the beard and the whole yellow eye thing going on rears back and lets another axe fly.

"I DON’T CARE THAT YOUR BROTHER KILLED A KID, WHO THE HELL HASN’T?" your mom hollers, "I JUST THINK OPENING A SAVINGS ACCOUNT SO ONE DAY YOU CAN SEND OUR SON TO THE VERY SAME CAMP WHERE YOUR BROTHER ONCE HELPED KILL ANOTHER BOY IS ASKING FOR IT! I MEAN, WHAT IF HE DIDN’T ACTUALLY DIE? WHAT IF THEY ONLY THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD AND BURIED HIM ALIVE? WHAT IF HE SOMEHOW CLAWED HIS WAY OUT OF HIS SHALLOW GRAVE, SURVIVED IN THE WOODS EATING BARK AND WEASELS, BECAME A TWISTED MONSTER HELL BENT ON REVENGE AND IN SOME NEVER TO BE EXPLAINED WAY HE BECAME ALL UNKILLABLE AND HAD AXES AND SHIT AND ALSO YELLOW EYES?! DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?!?"

"...doin' the Humpty Hump" the Hump agrees slyly through the radio.

"DAMN YOU, WOMAN!" Your father shouts, "I WON’T LET YOU MAKE THE BOY A FAG! MOREOVER, I NOW INTEND TO BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC AND CLIMB INTO A BOTTLE OF DESPAIR AND GUILT FOR HAVING NEVER TURNED MY BROTHER IN FOR KILLING A KID JUST TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO KILL A KID AND HAVING LIVED WITH THE SECRET MY WHOLE LIFE, AND I ALSO WILL USE THE WORD ‘MOREOVER’ FREQUENTLY IN CONVERSATION FROM NOW ON!"

"Do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump."

Of course! It’s all so clear! The Digital Underground knew it all along!

Click on the brightly flashing
album to get some exposition!