You brush off mom's suggestion to help you get settled in and give her a cautious wave as she drives off again. Around you, other parents are dropping off their kids as well. Time to make the scene. You stealthily slip one hand down the back of your pants and lift a cigarette from your sweaty buttcrack, that thankfully made it past mom's inspection. Good thing only Wednesdays are glove-days. Putting the butt into your mouth - wait, was that a quip at your own expense? Eh, no time to worry about trivialities. Putting the cigarette in your mouth, you take some matches out of your pocket that you managed to bring along after painstakingly proving to your dad in the backyard that the Indian method of rubbing sticks together doesn't work.

Making sure you're in clear sight of your fellow campers, you light up and inhale fiercely. You're overtaken by a coughing fit, but try to mask it by loudly declaring "BOY, I MUST HAVE BEEN SMOKING TOO MUCH!" Some irritated glances your way suggest that you're on your way to a sleepy-hand-in-lukewarm-water weekend, but you fail to notice. But wait! Who's that dark figure approaching through the crowd of children?

Oh snap! It's Smokey the Bear, that obnoxious firefighting furry! Or rather, it's some idiot in a suit that Camp Chopleton must employ. Here's where your coolness will face its ultimate test.

"Remember." Smokey says, and inserts such a dramatic pause, you fear space-time may have collapsed in on itself. "Only you - can prevent forest fires." He points intently at your cigarette.

"Tell it to Boo-Boo, jerk." you say, imagining the other guys at camp already throwing themselves at the feet of your cool self.

Smokey acts as if he didn't hear you. "I think you should put out that cigarette, now."

"I think you should get a real job!" you say smugly, and honk his plastic nose.

What the! That's not plastic! That's cold, spongy, slightly moist material... That's some sophisticated bearsuit technology they have here. Smokey utters a surprised, distinctly bear-like roar.

"Big mistake, punk." Smokey growls. He bares a set of very bear-esque sharp teeth, through which saliva begins to drip down his chin.

Your mouth falls open, and the cigarette butt falls to the ground. Due to the dry grass and the severe chemical contamination of the forest ground, it immediately lights up a crackling fire.

Smokey looks at it, then back at you, and cracks his knuckles. "Only you... can prevent forest fires." he says with a fiendish smirk.

Before you can do so much as shriek girlishly, Smokey grabs your legs with his big bear claws, and proceeds to beat out the flames with your body. "Gosh!" you tell yourself as the combination of broken bones and burn wounds begin to take their toll on your consciousness. "This is unBEARable!" Smokey would agree.

REMEMBER, ONLY YOU CAN START OVER!