"Um, say there, Mongoose," You say, sidling up to your massive and dangerous looking new bunkmate "I’m not gay for you or anything, but have you noticed how overweight that fat kid is? And what about that Nerd kid? Is he a dork or what?"

"Are you trying to be the cool kid?" says Mongoose "‘Cause if you want to be the cool kid, you be my guest."

"What?" you state boldly "I thought you were the cool kid."

"Hell, no. I’m the broody outsider. That makes my chances of surviving this summer way better than the cool kid. Later this evening the cool kid has sex with the slutty hot chick, but all you see are her breasts. Than she gets killed and the cool kid thinks she’s joking around or having a really great orgasm and then you get killed."

"No!" You shriek masterfully "No way! You are totally cooler than me! Shit, the fat kid is cooler than me!"

"If I might interject here" the fat kid whose name you no longer recall interjects interjectionally.

"SHUT UP FAT KID! I’m not cool, I’m WAY not cool, I’m the… the… the GAY KID!

The Gay ‘Kid’? Get it?

...I’m the presexual but totally momo kid who’s all uncool and gay!"

"I don’t know," pipes up the Nerd kid, "Being gay is pretty cool these days."

"Absolutely" Mongoose agrees, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Will and Grace-"

"Don’t you think ‘Will and Grace’ really demeans gay culture?" Says the fat kid "I mean is it any more than "The Jefferson’s" for Queers?"

"That’s valid, but I think if you put "The Jefferson’s in it’s cultural/historical context that speaks pretty well of ‘Will and Grace’. But really we’ve moved past that. Look at "Queer as Folk." Mongoose submits thoughtfully.

"Oh! Oh!" Spouts the Nerd "Have you seen "Salving Ryan’s Privates?" It’s a damning indictment of Military Hypocrisy, plus it’s really hot. And gay! If anyone has a DVD player I brought several copies"

Just then you remember there’s something dripping blood and eyeballs in the bathroom and you start crying.

"Oh, hey, you’re not Gay Kid. You’re homesick kid." Says Mongoose. "You’re in the wrong place. This is a teen/horror scenario, not a kids/family scenario. We really don’t need you."

And with that he punches you in the face so hard your whole skull pops out the back of your head.

UNLESS YOU KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE WITHOUT YOUR SKULL,
START OVER, CRYBABY.