The answer couldn't be
any clearer. Pat must've really wanted you to win to have given you such
an easy puzzle. Your answer doesn't fit into the clue category per se,
but you are absolutely certain, deep down in your gut, that your answer
is what is really on the backs of those glowing tiles. "Pat," you
proudly declare, "I have the answer." Pat furrows his brow and reminds
you that it is not your turn yet. Well, it may have been years since you
last saw an episode of Wheel of Fortune, but you're pretty sure that you
can guess as soon as you know the answer, or if you think your know the
answer just as long as your answer is the closest to the actual answer
without going over.
Regardless, you decide to play along with Pat's little game, and as the
other contestants struggle valiantly with the English language, you
ponder the idea of guessing each individual letter so you'll have more
opportunities to check out Vanna White's backside. Oh, what a dilemma.
Boy, I'd like to buy her vowels, you chuckle to yourself. No, wait. That
one sounded a little too disgusting. No matter, it's now your turn, and
it's time to go for the gusto.
"Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle." Pat is visibly flustered. However,
he manages to recover quickly, and he clings to that shred of hope that
you might actually guess the right answer, despite the fact that you
have only the vaguest of clues to go off of. You tell him your answer,
"Mom made me not smart." It was the title of your autobiography, or at
least it would have been, were it not for those snobs at Random House.
It must have been the right answer because Pat is clapping for you. Of
course, you haven't seen too many people clap by groaning and slapping
themselves on the forehead, but hey, this is television.
Much to your surprise, Pat informs you that you've guessed incorrectly.
Well now you have no idea what it could be. Perhaps spinning the wheel
will give you some time to think. You reach for the wheel, but just
before you get to it, Pat grabs onto it and spins it as hard as he can.
As you reach for it, the pegs of the wheel catch the sleeve of your
polyester overcoat. It seems that Pat is far more muscular than you had
originally thought, for the spin he put on the wheel is strong enough to
pull you in and slice you to pieces before a live studio audience. It
was the second most exciting episode of Wheel of Fortune ever.
