WUH-OH! Oh boy, hand on
a sec, there mister Wizard! It's all starting to become just a little
bit too clear, like the last ten minutes of one of them M. Knight
Shyamalan joints where it turns out the thing you've been think all along
is some totally other thing! Sure, of course, Shatner, Lynda carter,
Bill Mumy, all the clues were there, a simple school boy could have
solved the mystery, and if you'd had one, you'd have been all set!
Wow, you are one smart
cracker! I guess all those years huddled in your tree house with
pilfered school library copies of Encyclopedia Brown have finally paid
off! And the masturbation really did make the memories bond more
permanently and deeply, just like you'd told your mom the day she caught
you! Hah, MOM! So there, this will show you for your disdainful
assumption that I had a pathetic gay on for Encyclopedia Brown! You
wrote me off that day, and now it's me who's the genius and you spending
your time on a shelf in the garage ‘till I figure out a particularly
humiliating place to dump your ashes! Hey, Vanna! I don't need to buy no
vowel, baby, cause ah's a GWYNTA SOLVE THE PUZZLE!!!"
"Okay. The toilet portal I fell through must have been a time warp. And
this island is obviously the set of… BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS, CIRCA
1977!"
"Thath a pwetty good thee-a-wee. Mithter guy," Says a tiny little voice
behind you, "Exthept ith got a few flaws."
You turn and see no one, until you look down.
Good God. The youngest one in curls. Such a cute little girl. Such a
huge lethal gun.
"Thee," she lisps, "It
doesn't exthplain why mithter Thatner was in bwack and white. Or why Mith Carter theems to think she actually ITH Wonder Woman. Ith a pwetty
thtupid thee-a-wee, when you thit right down and think about it. And
then there's the biggetht part it doethn't account for." She says, the
island light glinting off the sawed off barrels of her shotgun as she
raises it toward your gut.
You can see her lips moving, but the roar of the blast makes you just
about deaf, and totally dead. In that order.
