"Pat, there's only one
prize for me," you say with a confident smile, "the Jet Ski." You can
already picture yourself racing along the salty waves wearing your "cool
guy" shades, the wind blowing through your hair, and two bikini-clad
babes clinging to you affectionately as you zip daringly between the
larger boats coasting off the shore.
Hey, don't you hate how these
stories are supposed to be about you, and yet they almost always
assume that the reader is male? I mean, what's with that shit anyway?
When are the ladies going to get a story of their own, huh? This
is BULLSHIT! Last year, it was a camp story, and what were you? A
fucking guy, that's what! Yeah, you were in the boy's bunk. And
the year before that, it was about the haunted treasure hunt, and you
were totally a dude in that one as well. When are we going to have the
first truly unisex story? Never, that's when, because this is all
male-dominated patriarchal bullshit! I fucking quit. I'm done. You can
take your "Select Your Destiny" story and shove it up your ass,
I-Mockery! You hear me!? Yeah, that's right!
Oh yeah, and when you get home with the Jet Ski you realize that you
live in Kansas. There's no water anywhere for like, millions of miles.
Not even to drink.