Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
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Now that you have a chance to think about it, you're pretty sure that you saw a movie on the Sci Fi Channel called "Paradise Nightmare." As you recall, it "starred" one of the lesser Baldwins, and was a tale of an island vacation gone horribly wrong, complete with poor acting and bad CGI. That must be what the pushy voice in your head was getting at: you are to go home and watch crappy movies on daytime television. This little side quest must have simply been a way for you to lay your hands on a decent TV. "Pat," you declare with supreme confidence, "I'll take the entertainment center." You walk over and try to drag your prize away, but Pat gives you a lighthearted slap on the back and tells you that you'll get your prize later. Once the cameras are off, though, he smacks you on the back of your head and demands the photo. You hand it over, and remind Pat that if he ever wants to just hang out, you're available. Man, look at that vein, you think to yourself as Pat shoves you off the stage.

Six to eight weeks later, a large truck shows up in your driveway. Sure enough, it's not just another trucker mistaking your house for a state-sponsored rest stop; the driver unloads your entertainment system, gets your signature, and departs before you can extend an invitation to hang out. There's something odd about this entertainment system. You can't quite put your finger on it. On the show, the entertainment center was a six-foot cabinet that held a TV, VCR, DVD player, and speakers, but this one appears to be little more than a box full of planks and screws (which is NOT a double entendre). It slowly dawns on you: that fiend, you mutter. He sent it to you with some assembly required!

Well, you don't have all the tools required to assemble it, per se, but with a few quick substitutions, you're able to put the thing together with what you've got. Sure, a couple of screws are a little loose from your using a penny instead of a screwdriver, and several of the planks are creaking a little bit because you took some "creative liberties" with the assembly directions, but other than that, it looks just fine. For the final touch, you place the TV on the high shelf. The entertainment center pictured on the box didn't have a shelf this high, but you feel safer with your TV high enough off the ground to deter would-be thieves. After some serious lifting, you manage to position the TV just right, and it stays there… for about three seconds. At that point, the supporting plank buckles just enough to drop the thing right on your head. You should've sprung for a flatscreen.

Curse you, IKEA!

500 channels and nothing but failure! START OVER!!!!

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