You simply cannot
believe your luck! Of all the people on the plane, you are
the lucky one who gets to sit between two of like, the best
actors of all time! You're practically foaming at the mouth from
excitement as you remind yourself to stay calm so you don't make a total
ass of yourself.
But next thing you know you've turned to face Lithgow and you gush "Wow,
Mr. Lithgow, I can't even begin to tell you what an honor it is
to sit next to you on this plane. You're like, one of my favorite actors
of all time! And fuck all that "3rd Rock From the Sun" shit, I know
you're probably sick of hearing about that. I want to talk about the
real films like "Buckaroo Banzai", in which you were totally
brilliant, by the way-"
"Fuck off, nerd,"
Lithgow says, not even looking up from the bottle of pills he's been
carefully studying ever since you sat down. Feeling totally crushed, you
decide that rather than freak out like you did at that one comic
convention when the voice actor for Speed Racer kicked your ass for
stalking him in the parking lot, you're going to focus your energy
towards Shatner instead of openly bawling on the plane.
"Mr. Shatner, it is an honor to meet you, sir! 'Beam me up,
Scotty!'", you say with a knowing wink and a slight chuckle. "Captain
Kirk is one of my childhood heroes, and-hey, what's with you being all
black-and-white? Is that some kind of neat special effect for a movie
you're doing? That's pretty cool, and hey, I have this one great idea
for a Star Trek movie I'd like to--"
"Did you know that 90% of the Star Trek fan fiction was ghostwritten by
me?" Shatner says, without even looking over at you.
"90%, really?" you say, amazed that he's actually speaking to you. "But
90% of the Star Trek fan fiction is about Kirk and Spock and sometimes
McCoy and they're...doing things that they...shouldn't be
doing...together..."
"I know,"
Shatner says, turning to you with a warm smile. Then he sighs wistfully
and stares at the back of the seat in front of him again before he starts to
weep quietly to himself.
Just then you turn to John Lithgow again to see him downing the entire
bottle of pills. A few moments later he's foaming at the mouth and
convulsing wildly. No one else notices. Shatner is now in full-on weep
mode, completely oblivious to all things around him. You realize with a
sudden sinking feeling that you've done "it" again.
