This is the moment
you've been dreaming of your whole life! First contact! The
weighty responsibility of representing the entire human race rests on
your ample, hairy shoulders! The excitement boils within you as -
wait a minute... hairy? Good lord, have you ever heard of shaving?
Waxing? Electrolysis? Any sort of hygiene at all? Do you really want the
aliens to see you like this? Is that any way to make a first impression?
I mean, okay, so you've got a shirt on, but you know the first thing
those aliens are going to do is strip you, strap you down, and start
inserting probes in places where probes should not be.
And speaking of your
shirt, do you really think a Snorks t-shirt is appropriate attire
anyway? Do you think the aliens are really going to appreciate the
kitschy irony of billboarding a crappy 80s cartoon forgotten by
everyone? And flip-flops with blue jeans? Are you insane?? Yeah,
maybe you can get away with presenting yourself like this in your Amish
Sexuality in America class (hey, it's an easy credit) at your local
community college, but this is serious!
In a furious flash you rip off all the offending articles, 'til next
thing you know you're completely naked, flapping in the breeze in places
where most people... don't. And it's right about this time that the
cause of the rustling, the crazy farmer who owns all this corn, steps
out into plain view. Just in time to see you collapse into a sobbing
mass of pathetic disappointment. But hey... he doesn't seem disappointed
at all. Far from it, in fact. Far from it.
