A production assistant
would have almost unfettered access to the stars of the film. You could
arrange to talk with El Dolpho by tell him that the director is done
shooting him for the day, or failing that, you could just leave a secret
note when you bring him his latte.
You spot one of the PA's walking to his car. A lone PA, walking to his
car, with nobody around to see. The gods have truly smiled on you this
day. Not just the god of parking lot sneak attacks, but also the god of
sucker punching it seems, as you lay him out with one punch. You
discretely slip him out of his clothes and don them yourself.
Unfortunately, he's about two dress sizes smaller than you, so the shirt
and pants are a little snug. Regardless, you remain optimistic about
your odds of pulling off this identity switcheroo.
You saunter over to the set. Your target is pouring himself a drink, but
before you can even take a step toward him, the director stops you:
"Oh, Will, you're back already. The dry cleaners must be closer than I
thought. Say, didn't you used to be shorter, and wasn't your hair a
different color, and wasn't your face in a whole different
configuration?"
Oh crap. You hadn't counted on having to look anything like the original
PA. Looks like the jig is up already. Luckily, you had a cyanide capsule
placed in one of your molars for just such an occassion...
"Ah, but what do I know? All you Asians look alike to me. Just get over
to the shoot."
Phew, that was a close call. You thank your lucky stars for unobservant,
jackass directors. You may not be able to go straight to the Man of the
Hour, but he'll have to come back in front of the cameras at some point.
Best to just head over there to keep up appearances. The rest of the
staff give you a second glance, but most are too busy to think any more
about how different you look from poor, half-naked Will in the parking
lot.
The next scene is being
hastily prepared, and with the actors assembled, the director sets up
the scene:
"Ok, Dolph, in this scene, you are confronting the evil Samurai Ninja,
Kojiro. Now, you've just fought your way through a score of his CIA/KGB
double agent henchmen, so try to look tired, but defiant. Remember, this
is the guy who killed your brother, beat up your sensei, stood up your
sister at the prom, and taped a sausage to your dog's tail, so I want to
see anger! ACTION!!!"
Dolph points his katana at the other actor. "Know this, Kojiro: The time
has come for you to pay the price, and this piper aims to collect...
your head! En Garde!"
The two actors engage in a furious exchange of carefully coordinated
series of chops, thrusts, and parries. You feel privileged to be able to
witness such a battle firsthand. It's such a sight that you almost don't
notice a figure clad only in a pair of soiled briefs advancing on you.
Looks like Will's jaw isn't as glass-like as you thought. You turn your
attention away from the fight, and see that he has one of the prop
swords in his hand. You try to mumble out an explanation, but he takes a
swing at you anyway. You dodge his weak and uncoordinated swings fairly
easily, but one of your dodges carries you further back than you
intended, and you find that the actor playing Kojiro has accidentally
impaled you his his own sword. Man, they really shouldn't make prop
swords this sharp, you think to yourself. You can just barely hear the
director shouting there's two Wills before the original Will takes your
head off and shouts, "there can be only one!"
