You weigh your options
carefully as you look at all of the Lundies eager to get a
glimpse of the Dolph. Something catches your attention: all of
Dolph's fans are fat. They've all been too busy watching his action
movies rather than getting some exercise of their own that they now have
a collective weight that could crush Kong. It's with this in mind that
you make a run for it, and sure enough, they can't even keep up with
you.
You approach Dolph at
the craft services table and compliment him on his choice of cinnamon
rolls. "Actually, I always eat these in front of my fans to
confuse them," Dolph says with a smile. The them mimics one of his many
perplexed fans, "How does he maintain such a muscular physique when
he only eats cinnamon rolls!? It makes no sense!!" Well, that
explains why they love him so much... they all assume that if they eat
enough cinnamon rolls, they too can become buff like Dolph. He then goes
on to explain how he's appeared in print ads for Cinnabon:
"Haha! You've got them
in the palm of your hands my good man!" you say in a pathetic display of
ass-kissingness. Dolph, however, enjoys having people gush about his
greatness, so he offers you a cinnamon roll and asks you to join him in
his trailer for further discussion.
"So tell me
more about how great I am," Dolph says as he spits out the cinnamon roll
he was pretending to eat in front of al the fatties. You tell him that
his performance in the Masters of the Universe movie was Oscar
worthy and that you don't know how it didn't spawn 10 sequels. Before he
can thank you, you whip out the alien blood sample and show it to him.
He instantly drops the
stupid big galoot facade and goes into über-scientist
mode. He presses a secret button in his trailer, and a fully-equipped
science lab drops down from a hidden compartment in the ceiling. After a
2 hours of intense examination of the sample, Dolph has discovered what
it all means:
"This is alien blood," Dolph proclaims.
"Well yeah, I already
knew that," you respond, worrying that this is all he has come up with.
"The little Pac-Men in
the blood contain the secret alien plans," he says in a dead-serious
tone.
"Oh my god! You mean,
within those little Pac-Men, I can discover what evil plans the aliens
have for this planet??"
"That's what I just
said," he growls. "But I cannot help you any more with this. I'm due on
set for my movie. You must take this blood sample to the highest
mountain you can find and then you must insert 1 quarter to continue."
"Huh???"
"GO NOW!" he shouts
while throwing cinnamon rolls at you.
Not wishing to be
pelted with cinnamon rolls, you grab the blood sample and head for the
highest mountain you can find. You travel for days in search of a
mountain before you realize that Dolph probably just wanted to make the task
seem more epic like a scene in one of his action movies. As if you
REALLY needed to climb a mountain before inserting a quarter into the
alien blood!
You sit down on the
ground and take out all the change in your pockets. "DAMNIT!"
you scream. Looks like you don't have any quarters as you spent your
last one on a bottle of Moxie. All you have is a penny, a nickel, a dime
and a ruble. Well, maybe if you put one of those coins into the alien
blood, you'll be able to figure out PART of their plan since it's not
exact change. Maybe not. Either way, you have no choice in the matter
since you don't have a quarter on you and you've managed to walk out into
the middle of nowhere.
